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Final Thoughts on Ferguson, Torture, and Beyond

Mick Zano

If you missed the first part of the deboc…er, the debate, check it out here.

Here are my closing arguments on the Ferguson phenomenon, as well as the media’s constant ideologically-driven themes. I agreed with Pokey’s assessment of Al Sharpton and I condemned MSNBC for its recent ideological spike on the Fox shit-o-meter. But not all wrongdoing across our nation can, nor should be pinned on our president. We also disagree on the basic premise of which political party will lead to our demise. To me, Benghazi and Ferguson are still feeble attempts by conservatives to pin the fail on the donkey.

I listened to many of Obama’s reactions to allegations of police brutality and his speeches have struck the right chord between police and black communities, who are not exactly feeling the love right now.

“I think most of the people protesting out there are doing it peacefully and most cops are just out there doing their jobs.”

—Barack Obama, mob inciter

…IMPEACH!

You claim to be a truth seeker, Pokey, yet you back a political party so denial-driven they couldn’t identify reality if it wrestled them to the ground in a chokehold. We live in a white privilege world, which has consequences for those subjected to trauma—cultural, socioeconomic, racial, or otherwise. Does that mean we should ignore the details of any case? I’ve never condoned that, thus your inability to find any real examples in my posts. And whereas I agree with you in some of your assessments of the media’s handling of these incidents, you continually ignore the massive failures on the right. Sorry, Fox News drew first flub. I’m not giving MSNBC a free pass, in fact, I’ve turned it off.

When those oppressed try to reach for some justice, it may not always be pretty, or precise. See: Woodstock. But sometimes we must embrace the naked, muddy hippies of freedom! You continue to conflate my views with that of Al Sharpton’s. Initially, I stayed out of Ferguson and trusted in the system, until the Cleveland and the Garner videos surfaced. If the black community got the Michael Brown premise wrong—which I’ve always felt—it changes nothing when the default of our system remains:

Guilty or Not Guilty  =  The Police Officer is Exonerated

The system is failing to protect its citizens. How many police officers get indicted for such wrong doing? That’s the issue. Meanwhile, your criticism of Obama in this matter is overinflated. When Obama said, “He (Trayvon Martin) could have been my son,” our president was a expressing a genuine human emotion, in real time (before the facts were even in).

Showing feelings of an almost human nature. This will not do.”

—Pink Floyd

Tear down the wall! Tear down the wall!!

Meanwhile, Republicans forever wax nostalgic for a world tilted clearly in their favor. They are hopeless romantics, who harken back to the ‘50s so they can beat their wives and their children and command so many servants that Mexican landscapers are superfluous.

We have made progress on race and inequality, but there’s much more to be done. Cultural or incident-specific-trauma has a real impact on the brain’s development as well as a given individual’s economic opportunities. Those traumatized, societal or individual, don’t always recall the facts perfectly—just as Jackie over at U of V can attest. This may not be the prettiest of movements, but one day it will yield justice.

Wanna hear a crazy conspiracy theory that actually makes sense?

“Bush’s answer to our educational failings was No Child Left Behind, which was all part of a plan to make us all so ill-informed we would one day elect his brother.”

—Mick Zano

Now that’s a valid conspiracy theory, at least comparatively. Shit isn’t fair and, within the growing disparity of super capitalism, even those in the middle class are finding fewer doors to prosperity. This is all part of the Republican’s plan to shift all of our country’s assets into the hands of a few well-deserving white folks (WDWF).

The juxtaposition:

On the VERY DAY of our email exchange we find out the CIA brutality tortured and lied about it and you harp on this—and on the wrong side of this. You even defend the CIA Torture Report as a “distraction.” I chose no sides on this rash of police incidents until the Garner video surfaced and, yet, in light of this you still deny any systemic issues?  The only charges pressed in Garner’s death was the guy holding the camera. If that doesn’t piss you off, I don’t know what—oh, who am I kidding, BENGHAZI!! Speaking of distractions.

As for torture, many on the right (present debater excluded), don’t even understand why “drowning the towel heads” is an issue. Just as more folks on the right support “torturing for Jesus.” Yes, condoning such abuses is on the upswing, here. This moral decay on the right is the issue, not the left’s rally cry for equality. Torture is a trend even more disturbing when one considers 26 of those (some American citizens) were detained wrongly and yet we gained no actionable intelligence. Cheney keeps mentioning this L.A. threat as his only defense, which is another lie, here. This is not nuance, this is HUGE. But, again, sorry for that shop window Obama is partially responsible for in Ferguson. And a thousand pardons for that court testimony of Michael Brown’s friend, who had direct coaching from the Obama Administration, per the IRS’s missing emails smuggled over the border during Fast & Furious ….BENGHAZI!!!

I guess if you can’t find anything, dig deeper. Where there’s no smoke, there’s an embassy fire. When Bush stepped down and said history would likely equate him to Truman, I thought, what an astoundingly delusional statement. Similarly I know history will not judge Obama as harshly as you and your friend’s on the right would like, because hatred toward our president is primarily ideologically driven.  When I see a guy who both avoided WWIII and saved the global economy during the onset of his tenor, I can still muster some scant gratitude.

Some of your points are valid—trivial and sad—but valid. Sorry, but not everyone who acts poorly in the face of inequality can be linked to Obama. Cheney will walk for his secret prisons, his torture, and his lying us into war but please indict that person who testified for Michael Brown as she was not, “Tell’n dat twooth to whitey.” It wasn’t Buckwheat, it was Spanky in the Observatory with Officer Mustard gas, aka cop a Clue, Alfalfa.

We officially live in two realities. Both sides paint two different pictures of any given event, issue, or policy. We are polarized, perhaps beyond repair. I predominantly blame Republicans for this reality and I assign this blame based on something I like to call facts. Obama isn’t fomenting this; he’s shown tremendous restraint in the face of ignorance. Liberal paintings, at least for the moment, still borrow some aspects from realism, while Republicans primarily draw their inspiration directly from some avant-garde, sniffing glue branch of surrealism.

Racial injustice needs to be addressed, I just encourage black communities and leaders to pick the right battles and the right champion for their cause—which is the heart of your argument. If you want to see real spin, turn on Fox News. There you will see how truth is being beaten, each and every news cycle, into submission. You have found a couple of narratives you don’t fully endorse while I maintain the entirety of Republicana is a farce.

More juxtaposition:

As Pokey paints this picture of a president intentionally seeding racial tensions—to which there is little proof—today my Senators in Arizona said, “We don’t need any more clean water. You want clean water buy a Brita” (paraphrased). Senator John McCain (R) and Senator Jeff Flake (R), TODAY, voted against the Clean Water Act, saying,

“There’s no peer-reviewed research to support this unwanted piece of government over-regulation.”

—Jeff Flake (R)

By none, of course, he means there’s over a thousand peer-reviewed studies (per NPR). That is an example of a lie, and a potentially consequential one at that.  We are destroying our water supplies and our planet. Climate change is real and is impacted by man. Republicans are lying about this and get a free pass, but God forbid liberals address racial inequality in an imperfect manner. But Obama should fix that window in Ferguson. I could self-harm with those pointy shards.

These types of lies go on every day on the right and—the Torture Report and this clean water thingie are happening right now. The connection to these and Republican legislation is direct and damning, not hazy and conspiratorial. Obama’s atrocities are, for the most part, hyperbole and delusion wrapped in propaganda, per those IRS emails we never saw during that Benghazi testimony.

Even more juxtaposition:

Let’s revisit McDooris’s main beefs with Obama over his six year tenor, which he believes will eventually encroach on our freedoms:

Obamacare:

Pokey: “You can keep your doctor.”

Zano: Admittedly, this was Obama’s worst blunder to date, yet it still rang true for an estimated 96% of Americans, most of which we never tortured. Of course, the argument now is Obamacare a good law or a great one, here. Yea, accomplishing everything it set out to do is tragic.

Immigration Reform

Pokey: “It’s just for the hardworking immigrants who have been here for five years.”

 Zano:  …which it is (See: Law).

Clean Coal:

Pokey: “We’ll just regulate coal.”

Zano: True! Get honest, Obama! Coal needs to go NOW! Stop placating these bastards!

The 2nd Amendment

Pokey: “It will start as sensible background checks.”

Zano: Our 2nd Amendment rights will always exist in America, perhaps to a fault (See: Obama’s lack of balls in this area). Meanwhile, 90% of those polled agree with the idea of sensible background checks, but thankfully this is an aristocracy.

This is Pokey’s list of Obama’s worst deeds and yet the CIA Torture Report was released this week. As I attempted to review Bush’s actual atrocities during this rebuttal, Mr. Winslow warned me about the lack of available server space. Ultimately this torture logic is the best example. So the shit I was shouting about in pubs and coffee shops with you over a decade ago turned out to be true and, likewise, the radical decent of one of our political parties will also eventually be common knowledge. Yes, the blame will land on Republicans—where it belongs. As for the “common knowledge” you are endorsing: it may be common, but knowledge has nothing to do with it.

I shouted for investigations from the beginning on torture and we find out yesterday it was widespread, egregious, and yielded no actionable intelligence. Yet you got every investigatory committee you wanted for Christmas on Benghazi and…I want my friggin’ money back!

“Some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right and when I say Republican driven, I’m thinking Captain Ahab with ‘roid rage.”

—Mick Zano

When all is said done, Bush should hang and, sadly, when the next Republican president is elected we will look back to that asshole fondly. That is a prediction you can bank on. Oh, wait I’m being told those will collapse. Everything else you’re harping about seems to pale in comparison to the real issues of our time. We both agree on the danger of the expansion of executive power but there will always be these quantum executive power leaps under Republicans—well, if history is any judge. And, as violent crime stats plummet, we decided to turn our police stations into paramilitary operations, after the fact. This has only increased instances of police brutality and racial tension. Al Sharpton may not be the solution, but either is Ted Cruz. Maybe the whole system is to blame, but the origins of most wrongdoing always seem Republican in nature. They end up trashing the law that allows the abuse to occur in the first place. Then, on a rare occasion when a Dem tries to create a law to fix an existing abuse, Congress won’t even vote on it!

If you continue to drink the Republican Kool-Aid, you will always find yourself barking up the wrong scandal. Sorry, but our Republicans’ place in history is already reserved. Hint of the Day:

History will forever place a crescent moon on the door of that shit-shack called The Grand Old Party.”

—Mick Zano

Sorry, I did not mean to offend. Please edit out Christmas and replace with Festivus. Thank you.

Zano Hacks Rogen!

Zano Hacks Rogen!

Flagstaff, AZ—Mick Zano of The Daily Discord.com has hacked into Seth Rogen’s personal email. He is now threatening to release sensitive personal information unless Rogen adds at least ten funny jokes to his movie, The Interview, or he will “not even watch it on Netflix.” To show he means business, Zano stated he has firm evidence from the acquired emails that Rogen “smokes pot while working.”

Mr. Zano’s list of demands are as follows:

Seriously, Seth, I have enough information on you to write an autobiography but, upon reading all of your emails, I don’t want to. Here are my demands, in no particular order:

1. You need to read the script I sent you entitled Search Truth Quest: Schlock Ness Monster.

2. You need to accept the above manuscript instead of another #$%^ing rejection letter!

3. Make the fuzzed-out part over your groin larger in your recent Naked and Afraid episode.

4. I want one interview for TheDailyDiscord.com. Skype is fine, but you can’t phone this one in Seth! Not this time!

5. I want some of that pot.

6. I would have more demands but I’m already smoking pot.

P.S. This doesn’t work, Seth! It’s not funny! Oh, and chips. I want some chips…your choice.

Respectfully Blogged,

Mick Zano

Oh, and I know what you and Franco did last summer and what you did at the Christmas party. Feel naked and afraid, Rogen, naked and afraid.

Final Thoughts on the Culture War Zano Debate

Pokey McDooris

If you missed the first part of the deboc…er, the debate, check it out here.

When all is said and done, history will suggest how the Fort Hood tragedy was the result of a reprehensible video pertaining to workplace violence. The real tragedy is how our general population has succumbed to this disingenuous narrating of events that so easily sacrifices truth and integrity for the whims of political ideology. The peaceful protestors in Ferguson and throughout this nation don’t show any concern for what actually occurred. Their leaders haven’t given them any role models or much incentive to even care. It’s like Mr. Winslow’s Christmas gifts.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Islamic State and the American Communist Party were funding the Ferguson protests. There are forces in this nation and abroad who gain political leverage by keeping Americans divided on the basis of race, sex, class, citizenship, and sexual orientation, and these enemies of our nation push those issues to the forefront so that we won’t focus on the real racism in the world, the real oppression of women in the world, real state-induced poverty, and the real persecution of gays.

Yes, I believe in Truth, something actually occurred in Ferguson and I believe with some effort and honesty we can get to the bottom of many of these incidents. Some people say that a white racist cop shot and murdered a defenseless black boy who surrendered with his hands in the air. When reading through the Grand Jury transcripts, the truth becomes apparent. But there are people who don’t care about the truth; they simply wish to use the Ferguson tragedy to promote their political ideology, so they orchestrate a narrative that involves powerful racist white people killing poor defenseless black boys.

Eyewitness Piaget Crenshaw said, after it was publically confirmed that Brown was inside the police car, “Well, from my point of view, I could not tell exactly what was goin’ on, but it just looked as if, um, he was tryna’ to pull ‘im into the car.”

Or:

“It just looked like he was tryna’ do such a, you know, um Brown bein’ a bigger folk, he, that didn’t seem to have been workin’ (sob) so he got away and it just seemed to have upset the officer.”

From my point of view, I can tell that Piaget is, well, tryna’ to lie to the Grand Jury and deserves, um, jail time.

It all comes back to our religion debate, Zano. If there is no such thing as absolute truth, what does it really mean to lie? The above eyewitness is presenting a testimony that encourages much needed attention to the plight of black people in this country, so her “inconsistencies with reality” should be commended for advancing progressive policies.

Other witnesses acknowledged changing their stories to fit published details about the autopsy (see Zano’s critique of the individual mandate and executive directed immigration reform) or witnesses who admitted that they did not see the shooting at all (see vanishing IRS emails).

Many witnesses to the shooting of Michael Brown made statements inconsistent with other statements. Let’s put that in what Zano likes to call the “historical context”:

Obama’s “sacred union between one man and one woman,” which often conflict with the physical evidence “you can keep your health care plan.”  Some accounts were completely refuted by the physical evidence.

“I take the constitution very seriously but the biggest problems we’re facing right now have to do with George Bush trying to bring more and more power to the executive branch and not go through Congress at all.”

Then, the most reliable witness turned out to be the “white racist killer cop.” The cop who lost his job at the threat of an orchestrated mob.

Here are my predictions:

1) President Obama will further expand his executive power beyond its constitutional limits, including the bypassing of Congress to establish “reasonable” gun regulations, and there will be increased vocal and visible protests against such expansion.

2) There will be increased visible and vocal protests against: racism (stop the police brutality), sexism (equal pay for women), classism (raise the minimum wage), and citizenism (amnesty for illegals).

3) The Obama administration, with the help of major media sources, will create a narrative that shows one group as freedom-and-fairness-loving patriots speaking their mind against an imperialistic tyranny; and the Obama administration will create a narrative that shows the other group as racist/sexist/homophobic/gun-crazed terrorists spewing hate-speech.

4) This little culture war will begin looking more-and-more like a civil war that will threaten to tear the very fabric of this nation apart.

5) Mick Zano will blame it all on George Bush.

Yes, I do blame the President, and you Zano, for promoting an attitude that sacrifices truth and integrity for ideological advancement. That’s what all these witnesses share in common. The movement that you have aligned yourself with has justified doing and saying anything to promote the means of progressive policies of single payer universal healthcare, gay marriage, amnesty to illegal immigrants, climate change regulations, gun control or whatever whim awaits the future (mandated surgically implanted Access Cards with medical records.)

It all starts the same, as small little lies:

“You can keep your doctor.”

“It’s just for the hardworking undocumented immigrants who have been here for five years”

“We’ll just regulate coal.”

“Sensible background checks.”

But you don’t even deny it anymore, once your side gets its foot inside Pandora’s Box, you keep pryin’ that box open like a roofied Cosby playboy model, until there’s only one payer, all gayers, No habla Ingles sayers, total business regulators, bow and arrow Hunger Gamers, and Access Implant indoctrinators. 

“Look out kid, you’re gonna get hit, by losers, cheaters, six-time users, hang around the theaters. Girl by the whirlpool, lookin’ for a new fool, don’t follow leaders and watch the parkin’ meters.”

—Bob Dylan

Big Government Is Bad but Big Government Torture Is Glug, Glug, Great!

Big Government is Bad but Big Government Torture is Glug, Glug, Great!

The Heartland—According to a recent poll, Dick Cheney and the rest of our not-ready-for-prime-time citizens now condone torture. Cheney defended his use of enhanced interrogation techniques by saying he would “do it again in a minute.” This turned out to be another lie as new allegations suggest he has never actually stopped. “As it turns out, they never did revoke my retinal scan access over on Black Pod 3,” explained Cheney.

Senator John Q. Republican told the press today, “As my record will attest, I do not trust the government, but I would allow them the discretion to pick me or anyone else up off the street, without due process, and send me to a secret prison indefinitely, with no trial, to be subjected to walling, sleep deprivation, waterboarding and rectal feeding, because I’m an American, damn it…but affordable health care for all? Are you kidding me? Those are death panels.”

When confronted with the fact that 25% of those incarcerated during the War on Terror were detained wrongly, Cheney said, “If there was even a one percent chance we could stop a terrorist attack I would stick a rectal feeding tube in the ass of every American. It never gets old, really. Besides, don’t you read polls, son? The majority of those polled are okay with me sticking them the pole. Get it? It’s a play on words, son. Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

The rest of the interview was later pulled and Warner Brothers is now suing the former Vice President for what they are calling, “The raunchiest and most perverse Foghorn Leghorn impersonation ever.”

Jesus of Nazareth told reporters today, “Blessed are the torturers. I’m glad Americans are finally taking a stand and doing the whole eye-for-an-eye thing, which is such a key lesson from the New Testa…shit.”

Jesus later recanted his statement claiming, “Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s from the Old Testashit.”

Republicans Accuse God of Being “Weak on Terror”

Republicans Accuse God of being "Weak on Terror"

Rome, IT—Earlier today, his Holiness the Pope called for all Muslim spiritual leaders to condemn terrorism. Republican leaders from all over the heartland voiced their extreme displeasure with the Pope’s radical approach to extremism. They are calling it “un-American” and “ungodlike” and “unnatural.” Many in the GOP feel the Pope is acting a lot more like Barack Obama lately and a lot less like he should be, aka uneducated.

John Q. Republican said, “How do you account for these Biblical discrepancies? I mean these, not the ones in the actual Bible. Is the Pope mixing up his political messages with God or is God weak on terror? There has always been a close link between conservative thought and the smiting-shit parts of The Bible. Was it not Jesus who turned the tables on the money changers? He was the first Galilee Partier. Heh, heh, get it?”

The Pope responded to allegations by pointing out several quotes from the New Testament and several quotes from President Obama’s similar attempts to reach out to the moderate Muslim community leaders.

John Q. Republican was outraged, “I never made it passed the Old Testament, so I’m lost on this hippy juice shit. Honestly, I never even made it through the first part, you know when God said ‘let there be whites’…or something.”

AM radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, added, “The Pope is getting it all wrong. He’s asking for a global condemnation on all terrorist acts, which essentially calls for Muslims to condemn other Muslims. It makes no sense. He needs a global condemnation of Barack Hussein Obama and his policies. I have managed to repeat the dangerous stuff Obama’s doing on this show, over and over again. Isn’t the Pope listening to the stuff I spend hours making up? It’s a sad day when Christianity moves away from hatred. What next, you can’t get into heaven if you’re F-ing rich?”

Dems Distance Themselves Further From Strengthening Economy

Dems Distance Themselves Further from Strengthening Economy

Washington, DC—The last two quarters marked the strongest six months of economic growth in over a decade. The news could not have come at a worse time as Democrats are already struggling with a new wave of Obamacare enrollments as well as an unemployment rate plummeting below 6%.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Democratic Strategist Hilary Rosen. “Don’t you read the narrative?”

The President dodged questions today about the wave of positive economic indicators that continue to plague his administration and his policies. “Sure there is plenty of positive economic news, but I would rather talk about Ferguson, or ISIS or that salute I did with that coffee in my hand. Remember that?”

The press demanded answers. The President told reporters, “I would like to remind everyone that the president has little to do with soaring stock markets and falling gas prices. That could happen to anyone, and has…uh, just not to Republicans much. Sure we have the strongest recovery in the west, but what about the south, or the frozen north. What about Greenland, Antarctica, or that place where they filmed Arctic Blue? They could all be doing better for all we know.”

Senator Al Franken of SNL said, “Look, strong economic news cannot be totally laid at the feet of Democrats. The inaction of Republicans, who, I remind you, did absolutely nothing in the last six years, may have actually contributed to this successful period through a prophetic brand of tactical inaction. Although, at first glance, it’s tough to see how.”

Republicans continued to bludgeon the President on issues of increased oil production and historically low interest rates. Overwhelmed, Obama stormed out of the press conference, visibly shaken. A close aid to Obama admitted the President hopes that “by invading Bucharest for no reason and then gutting Medicare, he may yet save his legacy.”

Charlie Manson Upgrades Forehead Tattoo

Charlie Manson Upgrades Forehead Tattoo

Corcoran State Prison, CA—In a move that many are calling overdue, mass murderer Charles Manson is finally changing his toon about his tat.  This will not change the minds of the California parole board and, as Manson attests, is not even an indication he’s moving away from Neo-Nazism. Manson describes the original tattoo as a symbol misunderstanding made long ago.

“I found out this thing that’s been on my forehead for over half a century is actually the ancient Hindu symbol for well-being,” said Manson. “Can you believe that shit? Talk about a slap in the face. It’s enough to make a guy want to spit, which is really one of the only things to do here in prison.”

When asked about the decision about his upgrade, Manson said, “I had one rule. I wanted something that could in no way be misconstrued as any kind of symbol for well-being. Klingons are never going to be confused with anything mamby pampy. I’ve been in jail forever and if anyone knew the real meaning of my tattoo I could have been in real trouble in here.”

The Klingon home world is thus far nonplussed by the gesture.

Manson hopes the Klingons will change their minds about the aged psychopath. “I want the Klingons to all be part of my family and I really want to be part of theirs as well, I mean if I have any shot at an afterlife it’s Stro-vo-kor or bust.”

No deceased Klingons were available for comment.

Zano’s 21 Day of Self-Imposed Ebola Isolation Deemed ‘Job Avoidance’ Stunt

Zano’s 21 Day of Self-Imposed Ebola Isolation Deemed 'Job Avoidance' Stunt

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord staffer, Mick Zano, was cleared of the Ebola virus earlier this week by a nurse he hired by the hour from Vegas. The story of his exposure to the deadly virus unraveled shortly thereafter. His 21-day isolation at McMullen’s Pub was all part of a stunt that started out as a bet—with the same nurse he hired by the hour from Vegas. Zano reported traveling to Liberia to cover a breaking story for The Daily Discord. CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, arranged for the expedition for what was billed as a story on climate change’s impact on the predatory West African mangrove. Winslow grew suspicious, however, when Zano arranged a Skype session, wherein Zano claimed to be in Sierra Leone but Winslow could clearly hear a live punk version of “Drunken Sailor” in the background.

Winslow told the press today he’s disappointed but not surprised, “He’s tried stuff like this before. You give Zano an inch and he will take a virtual mile. He tried to call in sick for a month last year, saying he contracted the avian flu from a Skynard cover band’s encore of Free Bird. He doesn’t have Ebola. He also doesn’t have a work ethic.”

Zano is suspended without pay until a thorough review can be conducted by The Discord’s Board of Directors. Winslow maintains that Zano’s future with his important spoof news blog is tenuous. Zano already had several marks on his record, not the least is a recent business expense involving a “nurse” from Vegas.

Mr. Winslow is not lifting his own self-imposed quarantine on the Cayman Islands. “I skyped with Zano only two days ago so that means have 19 days before I’m in the clear. You just can’t be too sure of these things,” said Winslow.

Congressman’s Protest in Front of Library Ends Poorly

Congressman’s Protest in Front of Library Ends Poorly

Fremont, NE—The Campbell camp is on damage control today after congressman Ted Campbell (R) organized a protest outside of Keene Memorial Library.  After watching a Fox News segment, the two term Congressman became convinced that librarians living here in this country illegally were spreading Ebola to good Fox fearing Americans.

Campbell believes Al-Qaeda and ISIS operatives have been training and sending librarian “shusher cells” to decimate the American population. “What do we really know about the Dewey Decimal system?” said Congressman Campbell. “No, really, I never learned that.”

Campbell had a lot to say about the ‘ills of learning stuff’:

“Reading and learning is a slippery slope to understanding,” said Campbell. “What happens to readers? They become liberals, that’s what. So reading is obviously a gateway skill. Now I’m not a mathematician, but the word “liberal” even sounds like librarians and we all know librarians spread Ebola.”

When explained the definition of librarian, Congressman Campbell became agitated. “We know our borders are not secure, because our President hates freedom. Breitbart.com has proof that ISIS is sending Ebola-infected librarians through Mexico. Heck, Nebraska is only a quick 20-hour jaunt up 25, uh, and several hours east over on 76. Look, if we allow one more librarian to infect just one more Texas nurse—except that oriental one, I mean, I’m sure she’s from somewhere else—we will use our God given 2nd Amendment rights to shoot people who disagree with us. Amen. That’s part of the stand your…uh, stand your, well it’s a law somewhere. I, as a Fox fearing American, want to know if these shush happy oppressors have connections to reading extremists. I think that’s a fair question and this may be off topic, but if I want to talk in that ‘quiet section’, isn’t that part of my 1st amendment rights? Shush yourself you NPR-listening Ebola-spreading foreigners!”

Campbell’s rant on this site was not without consequences as he received a ten point bump in the polls and a happy tweet from Sarah Palin.

A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick up Hockey Game

A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick Up Hockey Game

Montreal, CA—In response to the recent terrorist act, Prime Minister of the Canadian Parliament Stephen Harper, is less than pleased with his Skype session with Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, the head of the Islamic State. Their on-line meeting was plagued with translation difficulties, explosions, and streaming issues that tragically spilled over into the first period of Sunday’s Blackhawk/Senators game. 

Prime Minister Harper suggested the two factions settle their differences by “meeting over a Molson and maybe playing some hockey, eh?” To the dismay of the Canadian Parliament this request was met by calls to “behead the Canadian infidels!”

Harper told The Discord today, “I know we already called this recent veteran car attack an ‘act of terror’, but this is Canada. Before we make our ultimate decision we must defer any final judgment to our goal judges in Toronto, eh? You know, after we review the instant replay.”

Harper continued, “The great Canadian Empire has a strong history of conquering all those who stand in our way, although we admit we’ve had some trouble with parts of the Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles lately. Whereas we stand by our allies in this fight, we are getting a late start to this whole Islamofascism-thing but remember, we have mounted police. That doesn’t mean their shagging anything. Au contraire, it means they’re on horses. I know what you’re thinking, and NO. They don’t do that either. That’s just sick.”

When asked what Harper plans to do about ISIS, should the hockey pickup game plan not occur, the Prime Minister responded, “Make no mistake, we are not afraid to deploy our Mounties into the more heavily-wooded areas of the Middle East for the purpose of keeping the peace.”

He later emailed the Discord requesting all the ‘ehs’ from his previous statements be removed and, “If I happened to say back bacon, ditto.” To which the CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, responded, “No problem, eh.”