Miami, Fla— The Department of Environmental Protection is banning their employees from the words ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming.’ Always ready to create a better life through relabeling, conservatives are rethinking their strategy to fight Mother Nature. The Governor of Florida, Rick Scott, explained, “You can say any of those words but just not together. You can say, like, the climate is warm today and I have to change into shorts. Stuff like that is fine. We just need to keep some distance between those politically charged words.”

When asked, “Why?” the Governor explained, “I do not approve of Obama’s handling of radical Islam, but this model can actually work when addressing coastal flooding. Why needlessly radicalize countless otherwise moderate water molecules? Water is harmless unless it coordinates and gathers into great radicalized waves. Tidal terrorism might just be one of the greatest threats our country faces. Oceanic extremists threaten our very way of life here and what is Florida without our bitches? Sorry, I mean beaches.”

When asked if there would be any associated fines or consequences for saying the words C****** C****, the Governor said, “Look, if you have to use those words together, like some liberal teacher gives a homework assignment, firstly, I would report that. But, in the interest of a grade for a particular class, at least use quotes around the words. This implies it’s bullshit. I am not planning fines or jail time for anyone who mentions these forbidden terms, but no options are off the table. We want folks to just exercise common sense, while avoiding said common sense.”

Currently the Department of Environmental Protection is planning to follow this mandate, but some former DEP workers are speaking out. “As a climatologist, I like to say those words together to explain large weather patterns and changing systems.”

Governor Scott said, “See? You did that without mentioning those words. Strong work! Some think I’m way off base but, hell, so is my base. Besides, if we lose the expected 30% of our beaches in the coming decades there will no longer be enough sand for republicans to bury their heads in. Not on my watch.”

Washington, DC—Obama sent his sincerest apologies to Benjamin Netanyhu after his speech to congress was plagued with explosions and endless drumming. The Rotunda room, the room located directly in front of where the Israeli Prime Minister gave his speech, had two simultaneous events. Someone had double-booked punk drummer tryouts and a 4th of July “practice” display.

Obama told the press, “We are looking into how this could have happened. Whoever double booked two such important events will be hearing from me personally, or at least a personalized text from me sent by my Secretary of Texting. I could barely hear the drummers over the firework display. This simply will not do. The buck stops here and, as a direct result, I have decided to relinquish command in 2016. Mostly.”

Explosions rocked Congress as Netanyahu pleaded with Congress over the sound of bombs and sifting dust. “This is what I’m talking about. If America chooses to sit on its hands idly and allow Iran to get their own fireworks display, you will have to get used to this kind of thing.”

The lead guitarist for the Armpit Salesman, Nigel Scourge, said, “Congress really needs to keep it down. Nuclear proliferation is important but so is finding this year’s drummer. Peace.”

The Armpit Salesman tend to go through drummers about once a year and have a clear goal of surpassing Spinal Tap’s total number of drummers by 2017. “Because our drummers go to 11,” added Scourge.

The President added, “I don’t want to be part of the reason The Armpit Salesman don’t reach their lofty goal. I don’t think anyone does.”

Washington, D.C.—The data recovered from a very small black box retrieved from the drone that recently crashed on The White House lawn, suggests the drone “acted alone”. The information stored on the unmanned aerial vehicle also indicates the device may have become radicalized after viewing a rerun of a particularly controversial episode of Robot Chicken.

John Q. Republican doubts these initial reports. “This was not a lone drone attack. A coordinated strike would not fit snugly into this Administration’s false narrative. I think this is the first wave of a robot vanguard, which is a testament to this President’s ongoing inability to protect our borders and his failure to identify cybernetic threats—Robot Chicken related or otherwise.”

The Obama Administration is calling for calm. “I have seen every Terminator movie,” said Obama, “I am therefore confident that should such a scenario play out in America, I would be like Will Smith in I, Robot. Remember that shit?”

“More like Robot Chicken,” argued John Q. Republican. “We can no longer afford the luxury of waiting until a threat actually exists. We need to bomb the shit out of Comedy Central today and then we must bomb all those cyborg making factories and stores. We’re done waiting for pussies like Obama to actually assess the best strategies. Look, I’m not a dataologist, but what do we really know about these black boxes and those liberal technicians who read them?”

Brian Williams has recanted his earlier account, “This is not the drone that attacked me while I was preparing an NBC segment on the dangers of sentient cyborg technologies. It did look like it, though. Gosh, I feel terrible again.”

Washington, DC—A Federal D.C. Circuit Judge ruled against the first lady today in the case of Brown Something vs the Bored of Mashed Potatoes. As a result, the First Lady will be subjected to four semesters of her own lunch menu from Lincoln Middle School on West 16^th Street. The meals will be delivered to the White House by a sheriff appointed by the court and each weekday the meal will be consumed in the presence of said Sheriff.

Republicans are calling this a major victory on the War on Tater Tots, but the President expressed his outrage today, “This is an outrage and it is today,” said Obama, wholly endorsing the narrative. “You think republicans are mad about the amount of vacations we normally go on, huh? Until this court stipulation thing is over you can find us at Camp Maui.”

Senator John Q. Republican is calling this ruling a “good start” but questions the details of the case, “Why is the associated cost of the food and the delivery shifted to the American tax payer? This is another liberal handout.”

AM radio host Rush Limbaugh said, “Increasing nutrients in school lunches is un-American. Fish sticks should not be made from sticks and meat pie has pie right in the word. Isn’t apple pie American enough for you people? I grew up on grade D but edible meat product, just like the founding fathers envisioned. Hell, I used to sip the grease right off the tray growing up. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless you burn your tongue. Besides, salad is for fags. I’m not a gaynecologist but, who knows, maybe that green stuff causes faggery. Did our Commander-in-Chef salad ever think of that?”

When questioned about the wisdom of increasing his vacations, President Obama said, “Look, you heard of frequent flyer miles, right? I have a shit ton to use by the end of 2016.”

Topeka, KS—Not only is Topeka known for the “fag hating” Westboro Baptist church, it is also the home to the poster-child for republicana, Sam Brownback.  Governor Brownback told the press today, “The state of Kansas will be divided and subsumed by our four neighboring states. This is not a negative reflection on conservative economic policies. This is all part of a larger plan to make Puerto Rico a state and keep America’s overall number of states at a nice even 50.”

The Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, weighed in on the news. “I have never been more grateful for the Oklahoma panhandle than I am today. That tiny strip of land is keeping Texas from having to support parts of that shit show of a place. This will shift the burden of this failed state to Oklahoma, Nebraska, Colorado and uh…um…The fourth one, uh, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.”

Brownback also apologized to Rand and McNally as this is a big change to the lay of the land—no small point for one of the largest map makers in the country. The Governor then tried to highlight the positives, “This will not change the route of the Keystone Pipeline. This may even be an opportunity for the Keystone State to become involved, although looking at the map I can’t see how. We also get a lot of tornados here and maybe the new divided state won’t. Also, the folks who live in the northwestern section of Oknebourirado will become part of Colorado and will therefore immediately be eligible for Obamacare and marijuana. The rest of you are still pretty screwed.”

When asked about the name Oknebourirado, Brownback said, “Sorry, that’s just the interim name that we came up with for the state-formerly-known-as-Kansas. Eventually our four bordering states will just be larger. And I can probably guess your next question, I have no idea how this change will impact the rock band Kansas, but I’m sure they will carry on my wayward—oh, I can’t do that prepared joke. It’s terrible. This is not a laughing matter, not like my economic policies.”

Tampa Bay, Fla—After announcing his presidential bid, Jeb Bush promptly resigned from the Board of Directors of Barclay’s, a multinational bank, Rayonier, one of the nation’s largest private landowners, and Tenet Healthcare Corporation. This week the Bush camp followed up these moves by severing ties with Cyberdyne, creators of artificial cyborgs, Soylent Corp., a cannibalistic offshoot of Monsanto, and Umbrella Systems, best known for a number of bio-weaponry and genetic engineering “mishaps”. Oh, and whatever the hell that company was from 28 Days Later.

Bush is claiming there is no correlation between his running for president and his decision to break all ties to these evil conglomerates. “I have no quarrel with any of these fine institutions, nor am I questioning their business practices,” said Bush. “These companies are the champions of industry and represent the very finest aspects of American entrepreneurialship, except maybe that turning-dead-people-into-food part.”

When asked about Cyberdyne’s creation and subsequent release of the T-virus, a bio weapon that caused several lengthy zombie sequels, Bush said, “I don’t agree with everything Umbrella is doing in those clandestine subterranean labs. The T-virus is not something I was made aware of during my tenor on their Board and, had I known about this, I would have shut that shit down circa Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), not waited until Resident Evil: Retribution (2012). This certainly factored into my decision to step down. Look, I do not want to minimize the millions of deaths, the subsequent reanimations, the ultimate head shots that occurred during the T-virus outbreaks, but I do want to remind potential voters that I made a shit load of money during that time period.”

When asked about Soylent Corporation, Bush admitted, “Yes, yes, we all know Soylent Green is people, but that should not diminish their other tasty, non-people-related products. And, as for your next question, Skynet fell thanks to the quick thinking of that Connor kid and his mother, so can we just get passed that shit already?”

When asked about his current connection to Koch Industries, Bush ended the interview and stormed off.

Washington, D.C.—President Barack Obama changed his mind today on Sony’s decision to air The Interview in theaters across America. Upon watching the Rogen/Franco production, Obama announced, “I think Sony initially had it right and I am denouncing this movie in the strongest possible terms.”

Republicans immediately accused the President of flip-flopping and of being “weak on humor”. John Q. Republican said, “This is a slippery slope. What about Chaplin’s Great Dictator or Borat’s not-so-great one? What about Sausage Party? If they all go, then you can say goodbye to Zoolander, and I refuse to let that happen, not while I am an American Senator who ran on family values and equality while banging most of the help.”

Obama promptly responded to critics, “After watching this turkey of a film, I threw up a little in my mouth, and then I called Kim Jong Un and personally apologized for America’s actions, certain South Park episodes, that internet thing, as well as for most of reality television.”

When asked about Mick Zano’s proposal, urging Rogen to “add at least ten more jokes”, Obama remained nonplussed. “Ten more jokes or ten thousand, the acid reflux would be the same. Heck, that turkey I just pardoned on Thanksgiving has nothing on this thing. Look, humor can incite violence.  Crime spiked in Fargo after the movie Fargo and Ambien sales rose dramatically in Washington state after the premiere of Sleepless in Seattle. Furthermore, Raising Arizona only encouraged kidnapping in the Grand Canyon State and it’s not Always Sunny in Philadelphia, in fact, it rains there a lot. It also rains a lot in Seattle.  Coincidence? I don’t know. My teleprompter crapped out two minutes ago, so I’m just making shit up.”

Republicans question whether the teleprompter “crapped out” sometime in 2010.

The Frozen North—Al Gore is at it again. Our favorite former Vice President is back in the news today after taking on the Heat Miser head on. Gore claims the Heat Miser’s little heat demons are working overtime to warm parts of the Arctic and Antarctic. “The Miser’s in clear violation of basic Labor & Industry Standards and his actions are undeniably contributing to global warming,” said Gore.

The Heat Miser is refusing to release important HR files and replied to the request by sending a series of fire balls hurling toward Al Gore’s mansion.  “Nice try,” said Gore, “but most of your energy was captured by my impressive array of solar panels. It will keep me in cognac hot totties for months!”

Republicans, meanwhile, are accusing the Snow Miser of employing undocumented marionettes, some originally from Canada. John Q. Republican told the press today, “Gore attacked the Heat Miser, an act of war, without Congressional approval. He’s the hothead, the Miser is just doing his job. If Al Gore is going to start an unprovoked war, maybe he should turn over that Nobel Pizza thingie. Besides, ‘warming’ is a hoax. There’s still ice in my freezer, in fact, I have been forced to defrost it at periodical intervals. I think the Earth is a lot like my freezer, sometimes shit just needs to thaw so we can find cool glacier stuff floating around, or in the case of my freezer, fish sticks.”

Al Gore plans to respond to the barrage of fireballs that rained down on him with a scathing documentary of the Heat Miser’s questionable business practices.  “I understand the Heat Miser’s plight,” said Gore, “Sometimes I still want to see Florida underwater too, but not this way…not this way.”

Ryongsong, KP—The Sony debacle involving the latest Rogen production and North Korea, The Interview, has left many scratching their heads. Upon further consideration, Sony is now deciding to play the film as not to cave to terroristic threats. In light of the news, President Obama has resolved to send Seth Rogen and James Franco to North Korea to apologize and to explain the situation to Kim Jong Un, personally.

When it was pointed out how sending the two comedians parallels the plot line of the actual movie, President Obama said, “I never noticed that. But, no, this is a friendly trip. These are comedians, not assassins. We want to start talks with North Korea and, remember, the word “ass” is in “ambassador” and the word “dip” is in “diplomacy”. So we’re just sending a couple of ass dips on a diplomatic mission. Hey, it’s no worse than my latest pick for Ambassador to Hungary.”

Obama continued, “The leader of North Korea needs to know this is a just low-brow comedy. The Un-ster needs to Un-sterstand—God I’m going to kill my teleprompter again—anyway, Kim Jong Un needs to realize that parody is the greatest form of flattery and who better to explain this to the Supreme Leader than Seth and James themselves?”

When the President was asked about his recent statement, “We will respond proportionally in the time and place of our choosing,” Obama said, “Yeah, responding in a good way, like sending a Christmas card or something.”

Rogen and Franco are downplaying their series of meetings with CIA operatives as well as former Vice President Dick Cheney himself. Rogen explained, “The CIA was just telling us the dos and don’ts while visiting with his supremeness, like I shouldn’t smoke pot in his presence. But if I do, I definitely shouldn’t blow the smoke in his face. Stuff like that.”

When asked about their meeting with Dick Cheney, James Franco said, “That was just to get us used to visiting with a truly evil person. He didn’t give us any advice about how to shake the hand of the Kim Jong Un. The CIA explained that…no, wait, they didn’t! Mulligan!”