Washington, DC—Further evidence is mounting that the American Psychological Association (A.P.A) collaborated with the Bush Administration and the C.I.A. to develop enhanced interrogation techniques, which later came to be known as: Operation: We Tortured Some Folks.

The A.P.A. is now on the defensive about their role in torturing people at Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, and that Organizational Psychology conference in San Diego. A psychologist who helped develop the Patriotic Torture Program (PTP), James Mitchell, said he is confident that “All torture reports written during that period strictly maintained a high standard of A.P.A. formatting (Johnson, A., Peter, A. (2003), pp. 198–215).”

When asked about the political fallout and consequences to the A.P.A., Mitchell said, “I do not believe the institution’s reputation has been tarnished in any way. We simply expanded the A.P.A.’s rules of professional ethics to include a few carefully selected Gestapo techniques (Wood, A., Dick, A., 2004). Every report handed to me during those cruel and sadistic Bush-era torture sessions were all well written, well referenced, and resulted in zero instances of plagiarism (Penis, A., Thomas, J., et al, 2006). Although I must admit we did borrow some of the techniques themselves from Nazi Germany, The KGB and the movie Fifty Shades of Grey (2015).”

Mitchell defended the techniques in question by showering with his mouth open before hurling himself repeatedly against the shower stall wall. “See? This isn’t so bad? I only chose those few Gestapo techniques that best represented American values.”

Baltimore, MD—Some savvy Baltimore entrepreneurs are taking advantage of the angry gangs roaming freely through their streets. Debris Stands, as they have come to be called, are now on almost every corner from Rosemont to Westport.

One business owner, Ed Stanko, is selling bricks to rioters from his own burned-out storefront. “I feel like a real American today. I’m helping the police bring the people who torched my business to justice, while also making money by arming the mob to fight the police. Now I know how Dick Cheney must feel.”

When asked if people really stop to pay for projectiles amidst clashes with police, Stanko said, “Some do and some don’t, but so what? I can walk over and pick the stuff back up and resell it. I’m even thinking of expanding to riot gear for police. You know, sometimes when the police are cracking-in skulls the baton gets stuck in the brain bits and, boom, I’m right there making the sale.”

Many Debris Stand owners are concerned that the market is already reaching saturation. “If enough places are reduced to rubble, the depreciation of my own rubble could force me out of business. Until then, I’m doing twofers today on pointy rocks. Hurl one hurl one free. But I might even diversify into T-shirts, you know, like Don’t Shoot the T-shirt’s White or something. I’m still working on that.”

Washington, DC—The chief scientist of NASA, Ellen Stofan, recently announced, during a panel discussion, her firm belief that “we are on the verge of finding alien life” and that “this discovery will happen within a decade.” This stunning announcement sent Ted Cruz, the chair of the Space, Science, and Competitiveness committee, into immediate inaction.

Senator Ted Cruz told the press today, “I have no reason to doubt NASA’s claims—except the whole aliens are never mentioned in either The Bible or Atlas Buggered—but if we only have a decade before these little green welfare recipients invade our sovereign planet, we need to start building a global border fence now.”

Many believe Alien life capable of traveling on interstellar missions would have technologies that far exceed our own. When someone confronted Cruz with this fact, he responded, “NASA can work on the fence, because I’m in charge of NASA, but the Defense Department is going to have to work with me here and start making phasers, light sabers and those X-Men mutant people.”

When questioned about the 927-trillion dollar price tag associated with the space wall, Cruz said, “Fiscal conservatism has a long rich history of out-of-control deficits. I intend to continue with that time honored tradition. It will keep America safe from the grey menace and will decrease unemployment. And if these little googly-eyed bastards try to take my ray gun, let’s just say, from my cold dead Iron Man-style hand blaster.”

New research conducted by Primates-R-Us Laboratories suggests chimpanzees have acquired all of the necessary skills to become Congressmen. Chimpanzees learned to dress in suits while filming movies during the 1950’s – 60’s.  They have also learned to respond to anything the alpha chimpanzee is doing simply by flinging feces. Now, some primates are proficient at both flinging feces and having affairs with their interns.  Many scientists believe this is the last skill that separates primates from politicians.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Lube said, “We are watching evolution occur. In this case, it’s really more about evolutions converging as chimps are evolving and Congress is devolving. So essentially they were bound to meet.”

When asked about the comprehension of legislation, Dr. Hogbein explained, “This is no longer a requirement of Congress. Case in point, no one, Democrat or Republican, read the Affordable Care Act and it has been the law of the land for some time. The other criteria we scrutinized was the filibuster, but chimps are capable of grandstanding-style speeches with both chest thumping and feces flinging. The sheer endurance needed for an all-night filibuster simply requires the consumption of enough bananas prior to the condition stimulus.”

Upon ending the interview Dr. Hogbein added, “Good thing Republicans don’t believe in evolution because they haven’t quite mastered it yet. Oh, and what does a monkey fling across a room that sounds like Pavlov’s bell? Dung! Get it!”

Washington, DC—Senator Mitch McConnell unveiled his plan to “break the last of the shit that’s still working” while on Meat Depress earlier today.  The republican leader believes his party can accomplish this important non-task by the end of Obama’s tenor. “By not actually doing anything,” said McConnell, “and by leaving the Capitol Building mid-session, it not only increases the likelihood of a republican president in 2016, but it also increases my own hourly wage, tenfold.”

When asked about blocking Loretta Lynch’s Attorney General nomination, McConnell said, “I was prepared to support the Loretta Lynn nomination, after all, I love Coal Miner’s Daughter. Who doesn’t?  In fact, I love all things country and all things coal. But then this black woman, who can’t sing a lick, walks into the room. I was mortified.”

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, explained how by not confirming the Lynch nomination, Eric Holder could remain our Attorney General indefinitely. McConnell responded, “I agree that’s unfortunate, but the only thing I like less than a black man is a black woman.”

When McGrath pointed out how, as a woman, Lynch would likely earn only 86% of Holder’s salary, McConnell said, “You’re really selling this, young lady. I admire you for that. But, by actually taking action on something, it would go against our strategy of not doing anything. It’s like one of those congressional paradoxes. We could blow up the universe or something. I watch Cosmos too, you know—just not the parts that involve science. But I’ll tell you what, let’s see if Loretta can at least sing that song she did with Conway Twitty. Remember that? She sings a tune and that might change mine, although probably not.”