Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Software Programmers Working Diligently On Likeable Personality for Hillary Clinton

by Mick Zano • July 13, 2015

Washington, DC—Whenever Hillary Clinton is placed in a situation that involves other people, she continues to look like a deer caught in the headlights. Some of Clinton’s awkwardness, at least in part, may well be a result of the ‘testing phase’ of several sophisticated new personality software programs. Clinton’s IT team has obtained a Google-emotion technology patent, which will ultimately allow Hillary to change her personality based on circumstance on the ground, in real time, by utilizing both available data bases and user information.

Project Leader Matt Narrows explains, “Although this may not be evident from her recent interviews, public appearances are helping us move toward a fully adaptable and functional presidential personality by early 2016.”

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by Mick Zano • July 7, 2015

Tokyo, JP—The left wing media remains overly fixated on the deaths of seals, dolphins and polar bears, but what’s going to happen to our giant radioactively-enlarged monsters? With the advent of climate change Polar bears are switching their food source from seals to dolphins, and sharks are already acquiring a taste for human flesh. This begs the question, what’s going to happen when our ocean’s apex predators get a Big Mac attack? What happens when Godzilla runs out of whale kibble? What happens when Gamera runs out of Megaladon and chips? Speaking of which, always offer the malt-vinegar with that order. Gamera totally loses his shit without malt-vinegar! Do you want some toast with that town of yours? Word to the wise, that turtle is not fucking around.

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by Mick Zano • July 4, 2015

Washington, DC—Washington was assailed by a barrage of patriotic and colorful missiles. Didn’t you read the headline? The President is referring to this attack as Operation: Flag and Awe as many onlookers waved flags and said “awe” during the hour long siege of our Nation’s Capital.

The President, who to onlookers appeared drunk, rambled on about NASA and England’s upcoming UFO disclosures and then started plagiarizing parts of the presidential speech from the Sci Fi movie classic, Independence Day. It marked the first time in U.S. history the Secret Services contemplated taking out the President in the interests of national security.

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by Mick Zano • July 3, 2015

Madison, WI—The self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), is rocking the campaign trail. Over the course of the last three months he has raised an estimated 15-million dollars. The current Vermont Senator made a bold statement in Wisconsin today, “I am not having any of it…well, more accurately, I’m only going to have some of it.” In the true spirit of socialism, Sanders plans to divvy the funds equally between all the other Democratic presidential hopefuls.

Sanders told reporters, “Socialism works and Hillary doesn’t. Can you say, Benghazi? No really, the H is silent. It’s weird. Anyway, I’m just glad I’m running on the Democratic ticket. Hell, if I had to split the money on the republican side I’d have to raise enough to fund the Defense Department just to get enough for a Starbucks.

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by Mick Zano • June 30, 2015

Washington, DC—In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court has agreed to lure Justice Anthony Scalia to a designated subway station and leave him there. The other Justices hope to convince Scalia that this is a planned outing that will include both a free lunch as well as a chance to overturn the Affordable Care Act. The other members of the Supreme Court are going to act as if they’re getting off at the Capitol Heights Station and then plan to jump back on board just before the train pulls away.

Justice Ginsberg explained, “I don’t plan on any jumping, per se, but I can lean toward the door a little.” When questioned about the legality of this move, she said, “We decide what’s legal, remember? Look, if we had our own Supreme Court reality show, we would have voted Scalia off Justice Island a long time ago. We’re just implementing our own three strikes and you’re out thing. Scalia is a conservative, he is a Catholic, and he is a Yankee’s fan. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he’s an asshole.”

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by Mick Zano • June 22, 2015

Columbus, OH—Shortly after Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy, God summoned a low pressure system designed to punish him. God is basing his wrath on the two-term Governor’s decision to expand Medicaid and other shortsighted budgetary measures. The state capital, Columbus, was at the center of God’s wrath this weekend and the almighty is warning, “There’s more where that came from!”

The Supreme Being told reporters, “Thou shalt not spend. Remember that one! Yeah, well it should have been in there but Moses could only carry two tablets. They were made of stone, you know. Bottom line, this is exactly what the people of Sodom and Hussein did before I laid waste to that entire shithole of a town.”

The reporter who tried to correct God was immediately struck by lightning—an incident God is calling “an unfortunate coincidence.”

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by Mick Zano • June 21, 2015

Tampon Bay, FL—Incensed by The Pope’s comments on Climate Change, Governor Rick Scott is now on the warpath. According to the Governor’s orifice, The Pope is in clear violation of his “Shhhh, Don’t Mention Climate Change, Just Keep Building Shit Inland” initiative.

Radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I believe the Vatican is very close to getting the bomb. And I will have nun of that…Get it? I don’t know about this new guy, Pope Benedict the Arnold. He obviously has connections to liberal sympathizers, who obviously have connections to the Muslim Brotherhood. So do the delusional math, people! Last time I was in church the priest was swinging around this smoking metal ball. That could take out a few rows of pews if weaponized. Hell, if that’s not a smoking gun I don’t know what is. What else is the clergy hiding under those bulletproof vestments? In fact, I believe the Vatican has acquired Weapons of Mass Mass Destruction.”

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by Mick Zano • June 20, 2015

Washington, DC—President Obama’s reluctance to lose more conflicts, create more jihadists, and get more Americans killed is confounding many. Intelligence gathering, diplomacy and targeted drone-strikes remain foreign concepts to republicans, like Taco Bell or Panda Express. Republicans’ ongoing plea to become mired in more ground wars is thus far falling on deaf ears. As ISIS gains more ground—ground that is actually sand—conservatives remain fixated on the oil that might be under said sand…er, ground. Oily to Dead?

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by Mick Zano • June 17, 2015

Flagstaff, AZ—A long time ago in central Pennsylvania I left a bar called Sal Assante’s to find the streets filled with brawling people. Not knowing what to do, I started instinctively singing The Beatle’s Yellow Submarine. This seemed to pause the violence as everyone kind of stopped punching each other to look at the crazy person. Yesterday, I employed this same tactic in the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona, and once again my singing somehow ended the violence. So what if we weaponized the Fab Four and deployed specific Beatles songs to combat ISIS?

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by Mick Zano • June 16, 2015

Topeka, KS—Governor Sam Brownback is denying allegations that his state has done poorly under his leadership. Despite his state’s ongoing struggles, he refuses to take any responsibility for his economic record. “Responsibility is for the little people,” said Brownback, “who we here in Kansas refer to as Munchkins.”

To compensate for the many years of crushing austerity measures, Kansas celebrated today with the largest tax increase in the state’s history. Brownback is denying this is an actual tax, however, as he and his staff are referring to it as Freedom Funds, which will be used to “fight the ongoing War on Obamacare.”

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