Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Travel Plans An Uphill Battle For Man Named Zika Ebola

by Mick Zano • March 5, 2016

Tunisa—A Nigerian man with the unfortunate name Zika Ebola is on a permanent layover in a Tunisian airport. Despite requesting full screenings and medical examinations, no one will come within ten feet of Mr. Ebola. Even Zika-sniffing dogs, usually employed in these situations, are just whimpering and trying to scramble up the baggage chutes. Mr. Ebola has yet to be cleared to leave the Tunis-Carthage International Airport snack bar. At this point, he is very concerned of ever reaching Disney Land or his uncle’s wind farm, before he is due back at the water treatment plant.

READ MORE ->

by Pierce Winslow • February 27, 2016

I am soooo fucking done with this shit. The only reason I, as CEO of The Discord, haven’t killed Zano outright is the associated jail time. This is another retraction installment of our internet saga, which, incidentally, takes most of my time these days. First and foremost, Zika is NOT spread by having sex with mosquitoes. I admit this one slipped right by me like a gaggle of Greaseweasels in a KY commercial. Secondly, the above image is of a Plymouth Superbird, not a Dodge Charger. I immediately told Zano to change the headline, but he apparently ignored me and kept having sex with that mosquito. Yes, most of our mistakes are not in the body of our posts, but in the headlines themselves. Fine, that’s all I will proofread anymore. You try reading Zano’s shit every flippin’ day! Oh, wait…you should. It’s really good, I swear.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 26, 2016

CrissangelGitmoML

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama was all smiles today as he and the First Lady watched magician Criss Angel’s performance at Guantanamo Bay. The 48-year-old illusionist wowed a large live audience with his most elaborate trick to date. At the start of his act a giant cloth surrounded the notorious detention facility, Guantanamo Bay, but when the cloth was dropped only an empty landscape remained. Critics are calling the move a gross violation of the Constitution. Presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, said, “Obama is dumb. He’s dumb. A. He could have had Cubans build the giant cloth around Guantanamo and 2. the trick should have made the prison grow larger. I want to round up every ISIS and Al-Qaeda member in the world and put them all into my larger camp, which I will rename Trump Torture. I might employ Mr. Angel to make the Red Cross disappear.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 24, 2016

Federalsburg, MD—Thirteen bald eagles were found dead in eastern Maryland today. Some are theorizing this was a suicide pact as witnesses describe the birds as “flying directly into American flags like kamikazes.” It is believed one eagle from each of the original 13 colonies flew to Maryland as part of a suicide pact to protest Donald Trump’s current success in the Republican nominee primaries. Either that or the eagles decided they couldn’t go on without Glenn Fry.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 23, 2016

Flagstaff, AZ—The Tuesday before Super Tuesday is about to get even supererer as The Daily Discord is throwing a HUGE endorsement Hillary’s way. Many of my fellow contributors are clearly Berning, so this was a tough choice. My rants over the last decade are imbued with a common theme. I feel strongly that a Republican supermajority would be worse than when Kidz Bop opened for that Jonas Brothers cover band. Never again! My ultimate decision to support Hillary is twofold: 1. Hillary is one the most qualified candidates in recent memory and 2. most of her popularity problems are based on either the actions of her husband, or what we in the industry call “bullshit.” When it comes to complaints there’s very little there, there. Her main problem is her likeability. She’s a walking personality-void in a pantsuit. She makes John Kerry seem like the Most Interesting Man in the World. “I don’t always endorse candidates for president, but when I do, they where pant suits.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 22, 2016

Prior to the Iowa Caucuses, Glenn Beck threw his support behind Ted Cruz and he has been campaigning for him ever since. The Beckster is now willing to fast until his choice for the Republican nomination wins super Tuesday, which Beck dearly hopes comes with cheesy fries. “I will be ready for cheesy fries by then,” explained Mr. Beck, “or some other substance in the chili fry, or poutine family.” If Cruz doesn’t win, Glenn Beck feels the blame should fall squarely on Christians and their inability to choose between a snake oil salesman and a megalomaniacal ass-clown.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 20, 2016

Washington—In the wake of the suspicious death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama is implementing Operation: Pillow Fight. The President’s plan is to order three more pillows to remove the last three conservative justices from the bench, with prejudice. President Obama said, “There is only three people standing in the way of a liberal legislative nirvana and I think we all know who they are. So repeal and replace this, bitches. ” He then told critics today he will not require approval from Congress and can proceed with this triple homicide on an Executive Order. If this mission is successful and four Supreme Court Justice vacancies become open in the near future, the President has not ruled out nominating all of the members of Nickelback.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 19, 2016

The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the criticism that “he is not a true Christian” by saying, “Who is more Christian than me? The meek love me; they love me. Remember the trials of Joab? Yeah, if I were President he would have had a Joab and he wouldn’t have had to hang out inside a friggin’ fish all day. Teach a man to fish and I have some casino charter boats to show him.” In related news, the staffer who attempted to correct The Donald on his biblical prowess is currently Joab hunting.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 18, 2016

Washington—Zika, a disease associated with encephalitis and microcephaly, continues to spread across the globe at an alarming rate. Its main mode of transmission remains mosquitoes, sexual intercourse, or sharing needles with sexually active mosquitoes (SAMs). Pope Francis rocked the Christian world today when he announced his support of using contraception, in certain instances, to combat Zika. Unfortunately, he then clarified his statement. The Pope is essentially only approving condom use for those mosquitoes who may be carrying the dreaded disease.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • February 14, 2016

Vellore, IN—Last week without warning or provocation a meteorite slammed into the Earth, killing one and injuring three. Rayja Sinhi told reporters today she plans to sue the entire asteroid belt for her husband’s death. “We must send a clear message to all radicalized space rocks,” said Mrs. Sinhi. “I won’t be satisfied until the asteroid belt is downgraded to the Great Cosmic Dust Patch!”

There is mounting fear in the U.S. that the incident may represent the first wave of similarly homicidal cosmic debris. Senator John Q. Republican told reporters today, “We should fear both the lone-wolf-style attack as well as instances when they organize into more formidable meteor showers. We need to fight them in the dark, cold void of space, so we won’t have to fight them here on Earth. When I’m President I will force Mexicans to build a giant wall around the stratosphere itself to protect American interests. If that Hindu fella’ was carrying a concealed weapon, this might have ended very differently. This is why I am proposing we expand existing Stand Your Impact-Crater laws in my state. I don’t want giant circles pocking up my square state. It reminds me of a Roger Daltrey quote, ‘Look again, rock is dead.'”

READ MORE ->