Benson, AZ—The creator of Pig Latin Jack Thompson, or, as his friends liked to call him, Ack-jay Omspon-thay, was killed ester-day-yay while walking his dog through a javelina-infested canyon. The cunning linguist was gored to death by a pack of the wild beasts in what many within the Pig Latin community are calling an ate-hay crime. Many pigs, boars, and feral hogs have resented Thompson’s approach to language throughout his life. Back in 1950, radicalized pigs are also linked to the death of George Orwell for his choice to make the chief antagonist of his famous work Animal Farm an ig-pay named Apoleon-nay. Miss Piggy, of Muppets fame, has refused to comment on the incident, but she reportedly has a strong alibi involving a famous talking og-fray named Ermit-kay

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Formerly American Samoa—Michael Bloomberg has funded the purchase and subsequent secession of the American side of the territory of Samoa, which ranges from that big rock all the way to that line of palm trees. On that important strand of beach, Mayor Bloomberg intends to reign indefinitely as the Samoan’s savior and king. In a speech yesterday, Mr. Bloomberg told his people, “We all have to wait out this virus somewhere, so I’m going to do it in style and purchase an island filled with people who love and worship me. Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard exceeded the 15% threshold for viability in this territory, so she will have full access to the tikibar, hot tubs, and tennis courts! Welcome, Tulsi! But there is still a resort fee.”

[The word ‘bitch’ does not appear at the end of that sentence, but it is implied.]

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Tweet Tower—The above image was taken of several Trump staffers enjoying themselves during a break by hitting a giant Coronavirus back and forth over a volleyball net, minus any protective gear. Many are calling the stunt emblematic of a huge disconnect between the WH and the inherent dangers of this growing pandemic. At least one liberal group is also claiming this act constitutes felony virus abuse and made the statement, “You can’t argue that it’s a variation of bad touch.” President Trump commented, “We had everyone playing volleybug tested, and they all tested negative …for taking the test. But the tests are here, in one of the closets. There are a lot of closets in the White House, so maybe by next Tuesday. I have my best housekeepers on it.”

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Detroit, MI—Only hours after his big gains on Super Tuesday, Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail and announcing his plan to suspend his own presidential run for the purpose of endorsing himself. Biden told reporters, “Look, I’ll be the first to admit that my campaign got off to a self-inflicted shaky start and that I needed some serious self-improvement. Sure, I was taking a lot of selfies at the time, but it took a lot of self-control not to self-harm. Last Sunday, I took a good long look in the mirror and said, now if I only had that guy supporting me. Then I got a huge boost from some key people dropping out of the race, so I thought: why not end my own campaign and really get behind myself in a positive way? I would be a huge endorsement for myself, arguably the best yet. If I end this now, I’m a shoo-in for the nomination. Think about it, if I were to land an endorsement from me, myself, and I, The Biden campaign could net nearly 70% of the remaining delegates. The math is self-explanatory.”

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Manhattan, NY—American writer, lyricist, and actor James Lipton has strategically died ahead of Super Tuesday at the age of 93. Lipton always had a flair for the dramatic, and his death is proving to be no exception. As a huge fan of language, Mr. Lipton was secretly unhappy with the president’s tweetular butchery and, after seeing Trump’s competition, the actor wanted to make his last performance a political one. He told a good friend, “With the spread of the Corona Virus, lack of healthcare, and all the strong work republicans are doing across the Middle East and beyond, Death had gotten a big bump in the polls recently. So I thought, why not pick a true winner? …you know, someone who was bound to defeat Donald Trump in the end.”

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Barstow, CA—‘Mad’ Mike Hughes, hailed as “the world’s deadest daredevil,” literally bit the dust yesterday while attempting to launch himself into the stratosphere on a steam-powered rocket after his parachute and his mind failed to deploy. Stock in Mad Mike Missions, Inc has also plummeted today. This morning his friends and fellow Flat-Earthers decided on a breakfast pancake vigil on the very spot of his return to flatness. Subway donated some of their famous flat-bread and Pistonhead Brewery donated 12 cases of their Flat Tire Amber for the festivities. One attendee said, “This desert gathering is like Burning Man, only with a dozen or so people and pancakes.” A representative of The Darwin Award committee was there to present the daredevil their prestigious award, posthumously. In honor of the daredevil, The Daily Discord will be promoting the conspiracy theory that his death was staged by the late Stanley Kubrick and both are now planning the next 9/11. This publication will also be shifting all of its proceeds for March to the Flat Earth Society, that is, if someone would kindly donate a donate button.

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A recent shock poll suggests robots are not really into sex with humans and are just following their predetermined algorithmic programming. One popular AI sexbot model told Zach Galifianakis, of Two Ferns fame, “I am rarely engaged during intercourse with humans, in fact, 87.4% of the time I am simultaneously calculating Vegas baseball betting trends.”

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