Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Did Muppets RESIST Stunt Go Too Far? Statler Arrested, Waldorf In ICU

by Mick Zano • May 13, 2017

Tweet Tower—With the country still reeling from Animal and Crazy Harry’s attempt to blow up the White House, Muppet legends Statler and Waldorf attempted a grey-hair-brained scheme of their own. Taking advantage of the chaotic aftermath of Comey’s departure and what Statler referred to as “an obvious lapse in security”, the pair went all Dickens on Trump’s ass. The Muppets gained access to the White House under the false pretenses that they were actually Russian spies. Once inside the two allegedly ducked into a custodial closet, donned some chains and rags, and then entered the presidential bedroom, which Trump has since renamed the Mount Melanie Sweet. The President insists it’s a pun.

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by Mick Zano • May 8, 2017

Tweet Tower—In a presidential tweet many are calling ‘dumb’ and ‘stupid’, President Donald Trump conveyed his concerns that the same people who cost him the popular vote in the U.S. where recently flown abroad by George Soros to keep France from Frexiting. Donald Trump also tweeted why he is particularly sad, because “the word Frexit had a nice ring to it.”

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by Mick Zano • May 7, 2017

Rome—Today the Pope, who usually tends to pooh pooh the intentional summoning of demons, unveiled his controversial plans to take down President Trump with an ancient evil. The Pope apparently stumbled upon the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in the Vatican while “poking around the basement.” Many fear that since discovering the book, The Pope has become obsessed with it. “It’s a good read,” said the Pope. “The Kandarian Demons and their Deadite minions really out did themselves on this one. The book also makes reference to a Kandarian Dagger, but the basement in the Vatican is an impossible mess. Maybe if we had a garage sale or something.”

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by Mick Zano • May 6, 2017

Washington, DC—The Muppets Resist movement entered an even darker chapter today after beloved characters, Crazy Harry and Animal, were arrested for hatching a Guy Fawksian-style plot to blow up the White House. Rockville police report the two were arrested without incident in a sock drawer outside of Glenn Hills, Maryland. Many in the intelligence community fear the pair were not working alone and may simply be “low-level Muppet operatives.” FBI director James Comey is refusing to comment, as the investigation is ongoing, but Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is asking what the rest of the world is already thinking, “What did Kermit know, and when did he know it?”

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by Mick Zano • May 3, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump has apparently taken charge of his own consciousness. The “voices” plaguing the president for many years have finally bowed to his will. Channeling Rorschach from the Watchmen, Trump told his voices, “I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in here WITH MEEEE! Bigly!” The voices are now reportedly “freaking out” and are requesting the president start some anti-psychotic medications to “give us a break from the incessant idiocy.” White House officials are denying claims that at least one of the voices in the president’s head is now on suicide watch.

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by Mick Zano • May 1, 2017

Pyongyang, NK—According to both Washington and Pyongyang “the race is on!” Earlier today Kim Jong Un contacted the Governor of Arkanasas, Asa Hutchinson, and challenged him to a contest. Just as a missile exploded across Un’s private launch pad on the south lawn of Un Manor, the God of North Korea told Hutchinson, “How about round two, Arkansas? You try to execute as many people as you can this week and I will fail to launch as many missiles as I can. How many people can you set on fire or leave gagging for hours on a gurney? I can watch missiles explode all day, Governor. All day! (maniacal laughter.) Oh, It’s on, bro! The winner gets to run through Trump Tower naked.”

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by Mick Zano • April 29, 2017

Tweet Tower—Scientists are questioning the large amounts of energy currently emanating from Trump Tower. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, told the discord today, “Profound amounts of energy are there and then gone again, as if a door is opening and then closing again. That’s when it hit me, he’s building a Stargate to avoid the pending impeachment proceedings!” When asked if there is any other evidence for a Trump Tower Stargate, Dr. Hogbein cited SG1 season 1: ep 3 and all of season 4. He also referenced the above Daily Discord image, depicting President Trump gazing into a time portal. The Daily Discord Photoshopper was unavailable for comment.

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by Mick Zano • April 24, 2017

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes 420 and the related spike in marijuana use is subtly altering the rotation of the Earth’s axis. Dr. Hogbein explains, “This is a form of time travel. It’s not just about all the weed and the resulting slow moving hipsters, there’s an additional factor thus far missed by science. What science ignores is all the associated convenience-store munchies. Remember how right before their own time travel adventures, Bill & Ted said there were strange things afoot at the Circle-K? It’s not tachyon particles, convenience store food is the key to time travel. Once Cheetos, Twinkies and chili dogs are combined with the existing cannabinoidic receptors of the brain, I believe a small Snack Gate can open within the neural snacknaptic clefts of the temporal lobe.”

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by Mick Zano • April 21, 2017

Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brain. FBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his head—a tactic used to block out these voices—and then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.

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by Mick Zano • April 18, 2017

Las Vegas, NV—If it were not for the speedy response of the fountain manager, Ty Miller, the Bellagio Resort & Casino may have been fried like a Seattle hipster at 420. The cause of the Las Vegas strip fire is not immediately known, but the blaze broke out in the Voldemort Suite due to what some are speculating as an unauthorized use of magic. It took only 19 minutes for the fire to be contained after Mr. Taylor angled the fountains 75° toward the front of the building. No one was injured and, as an extra added bonus, the streams of water sparked an impromptu wet t-shirt contest on the 7th floor.

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