Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Empire Closes Popular Bar On Mos Eisley

by Mick Zano • July 8, 2017

Tatooine—Chalmun’s Cantina, an infamous watering hole located at the Mos Eisley spaceport, has closed its space doors forever after a violent incident involving an Ewok and the hind end of a Tauntaun. Shortly after the Imperial Stormtroopers’ arrival, their blasters claimed the life of the owner, a Wookie, and several of his staff. Empire personnel then arrested 23 of the establishment’s intergalactic patrons. The Empire hopes to reopen the bar again soon, complete with extended hours, an expanded menu, and more of a Neimoidian theme.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • July 6, 2017

Davey Jones Depot—President Trump’s speech today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square is now marred with tragedy. The Polish government had already promised the Trump Administration hundreds of adoring fans for his speech, so many are questioning the decision to send more U.S. crowd-stackers. The fleet of buses carrying the Trump rally enhancers are now missing. The president vows to get to the bottom of how his rent-a-crowd bus fleet ended up at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Several of Trump’s cabinet members were vehemently opposed to dispatching these buses. Unfortunately the president is not familiar with many of his cabinet members, or the word vehemently.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • July 3, 2017

New York, NY—For the past 54 years the Independence Day Celebration and Naturalization Ceremony has taken place at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. In a surprise move President Trump has broken with tradition and held the event at a clandestine Satanic Temple in NYC. This decision was met with harsh criticism from many Democrats, and even some Republicans are questioning the move, at least privately, during black mass sessions.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • June 30, 2017

Santa Barbara, CA—What started as an important porn-user download session (PUDS), ended with the destruction of an ASUS laptop and the premature evacuation of one beach goer. Kip Miller, of nearby Montecito, was mortified by the sudden deluge that also claimed the life of his Nintendo 3DS. “When stuff like this happens it makes me question whether or not the universe is fundamentally evil. To quote Bender from Futurama, ‘What is the deal with the ocean?'”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • June 27, 2017

Washington, DC—Vice President Mike Pence is doing his best today to sell a less than popular healthcare bill. Republicans took all the usual steps, including lying and relabeling, but to no avail. They are saying that the increased number of uninsured Americans, Pioneer Health Recipients and Obama death panels, which didn’t actually exist under the ACA, will be created and called Obama Death Panels. After these maneuvers did little to sweeten the pot for the naysayers, Pence suddenly yelled, “Hey, Kool Aid!”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • June 25, 2017

Damascus, SY—War ravaged Syria is trying to make an economic comeback in 2017. Part of this daring rebound involves exporting gravel to countries in need of gravel. In a recent speech Syrian President Bashar al-Assad told the world he was “growing more confident by the day that my country’s economic prospects are looking up.” President al-Assad added, “You should always look up when visiting Syria as debris is constantly falling from the roof tops. Besides that, I am very pleased with recent economic indicators. Long before Trump I promised to make Syria Gravel Again. Oh, and to celebrate Ramadan this year I personally sent tons of Ramen noodles to all of our major cities. I’m calling it Ramendan. Get it? Ha! And, boy, do we have a shit-load of gravel! And it’s all 100% authentic Syrian gravel, chock full of history nuggets.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • June 24, 2017

Miami, FL—President Donald Trump announced his intention to improve business at his Doral Miami golf resort by annexing the nearby Biltmore golf resort at Coral Gables. Donald Trump told the press today, “This is legal, totally legal. As president of the United States I can seize land through the use of executive orders. Obama seized millions of acres, the greedy bastard, and I’m just taking a few hundred acres of a pesky golf course that’s been cutting into my operations. You should stay at my Trump Doral golf resort! It’s amazing and now it will have even less competition. So I will be hiking rates accordingly. Check for it online on Trumpvago. Yeah, I annexed Trivago as well. Hey, I’m the first in virtual annexation. Not bad, eh?”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • June 17, 2017

Seattle, WA—Amazon announced plans to acquire the Whole Foods grocery chain for a cost of nearly 14-billion dollars. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is already on the defensive about the move and is attempting to quell mounting fears. “Amazon is not going to dispense of shoplifters in Robocop fashion and we are certainly not going to replace workers with hipster dronebots,” said Bezos. “I admit our initial wave of food deliveries have not worked with our existing system, because it was designed for non-perishables. And, although our drone fleet will likely increase breakage slightly, it is projected to significantly reduce instances of E. coli and botulism. I realize there is also concerns our employees will lose benefits, but I can assure you our workers will enjoy constant software upgrades and periodic lubrication breaks. I would also like to dispel the rumor that we will be shifting to a virtual shopping system by the fall. Oh, and we are not changing the name the chain to CyberFoodsConsolidated.com …just yet.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • June 15, 2017

Washington, DC—Special Prosecutor, Robert Mueller, the man assigned to investigate President Trump’s possible obstruction of justice, was last seen reluctantly entering a limousine outside of the downtown DC Hooters on 7th Street. Eye-witnesses claim several of Trump’s security detail surrounded Mueller, while mindlessly chanting “make a America great again” over and over again. One passerby claims Mr. Mueller was shoved into the backseat before the car sped off toward the Hooters in nearby Mantua.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • June 14, 2017

Tweet Tower—In a series of poignant presidential tweets, the leader of the free world called for calm today in the grim wake of his own mounting incompetence. President Ass-Clown Hitler is now demanding unity and warned his people he will have unity “one way or the other!” President Trump told the press today, “If we don’t all rally behind my agenda, which is the best agenda, the bad guys win. That’s right. The Rosie O’Donnell, tree hugging libtards will get their way. Then they will say Trump was wrong. I’m not wrong. Everyone just needs to let my agenda work for them, and by the them I mean their boss’s boss’s boss. All those who continue to oppose me and who refuse to focus on my agenda will be sent to a place that will teach them why they’re wrong. I will call these new places ‘lack of concentration camps’.”

READ MORE ->