Tweet Tower—President Trump is not afraid to use the bully pulpit to push his agenda, but will he soon be bullying the Gloroius Leader of North Korea, literally? The White House has confirmed the military is reviewing scenarios for carrying out both the Noogie and the Wedgie. When Defense Secretary General James Mattis was asked about deploying the Wet Willy or the dreaded Purple Nurple, he said, “As for North Korea, no options are off the table. If called to do so, our Special Forces can execute incredibly painful and long-lasting Purple Nurples. This is the stuff we train for.”
Spoof News
Satire at its finest.
Trump Deploys Fleet Of Texas Bass Boats To Puerto Rico
by Mick Zano •
Puerto Rico—Texans responded so well to the aftermath of hurricane Harvey that the White House is dispatching the same gutsy boat owners to deal with the impact of hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. President Trump told the press today that Houston residents are prepared to make the nearly 2,000 nautical-mile journey to the island of Puerto Rico in an effort to save lives. John Miller of Houston said, “We know this is a longer trip, but we also know we’re the only people up to the task. Granted, we’ll have to go through the Bermuda Triangle to get there, but we’ll all be packing heat. So if any of those aliens try something funny—and you know what I mean—we’ll teach ’em a thing or two about our Second Amendment rights. It might not be aliens, because I listen to Coast to Coast AM, but we’ll also be ready for sea monsters, vortexes, bigfoot, or whatever anomalous phenomenon is occurring in that region of the ocean. We are Texans, so by definition we got this shit.”
In Lieu Of Support For Puerto Rico U.S. Drops Thousands Of Trump U Degrees From Helicopters
by Mick Zano •
Puerto Rico—After hurricane Maria ravaged the island of Puerto Rico last week, Donald Trump attempted to survey the damage done by the category-4 storm. Unfortunately his HHS Secretary, Tom Price, had already booked Air Force One for a foliage festival in New Hampshire that same weekend. Despite the travel setback, the President remained determined to do “something for the people of Puerto Rico.” Knowing he would not get any kind of a hurricane relief bill through his existing congress, the President resolved to drop tens of thousands of Trump University degrees from helicopters. “They are all just honorary degrees,” said Trump, “but they do afford the recipients all the same honors. Sadly.”
Trump Calls Nambia, Agrabah and Utopia The New Axis Of Evil
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Some of President Trump’s more perplexing comments during his UN speech yesterday seem to have taken a darker turn. When asked to elaborate, Trump said, “I have added Agrabah to my no-fly list. No more flying for Agrabah, on planes, or helicopters, or those flying carpets. None of that green energy shit on my watch. And Nambia has proven to be the worst of the worst. These are people who are just asking for me to personally bomb the living shit out of them. We have the best generals working on how to find Nambia on a map and then destroy it. On a related note, I love the movie Nambia, except the scene when Nambia’s mother died. That’s sad.”
Trump & Tillerson Promise ‘Light Footprint’ On Southwest Monument Strip-Mining
by Mick Zano •
The American Southwest—President Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the president’s attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to “Chillax, folks! There’s a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you won’t even know we’re fracking the shit out of your aquifer. Think of it as a chance for the Native Americans to give a little back to Uncle Sam. They owe us. They do. Who got those spigots running during their Trail of Tears, right? We did. Ask not what your president’s personal finances can do for you, but ask what you can do for your president’s personal finances. Oh, and shhh. Let’s not tell, you know who. You know ….Voldemueller.”
Latest Trump-Tweet Orders Dreamers, Trans’, & Lingering Burning Man Participants To Erect Border Wall
by Mick Zano •
Nogales, AZ—An angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of ‘snowflake’ liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, “I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them up in the desert, but some started out that pigment. We are working with the people at AncestryDeport.com to sort out the real Americans from the wetbacks. Don’t worry, folks, many brown people will be constructing and/or paying for this wall. When the Feds swept the desert at the close of Burning Man, we picked up a whole bunch of progressive flakey, hipster-types, and that’s when I told AG Sessions, ‘Hold onto those freaks. I have an idea…”
[Sharks with firggin’ lasers attached to their heads joke removed by the editor]
Environmentalists Release 47 Coherent Republicans Into Congress
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—In an effort to stabilize a political ecosystem that many in Washington are calling “completely F-d up”, environmentalists released 47 stable Republican politicians into Congress this week. Jake Green of the Capitol Re-Acclimation Project explains, “By releasing semi-coherent individuals into both the Senate and the House, the hope is that things might actually return to the baseline of greed and incompetence normally associated with beltway politics. All of these politicians have been tagged and we will be monitoring both their movements as well as their legislative progress. We just hope they don’t eat their young, again.”
Just Before Disintegrating Over Saturn Cassini Transmits Dire Warning For Mankind
by Mick Zano •
Saturn 9 From Outer Space—NASA accidentally released the last words of the doomed spacecraft Cassini-1, which launched back in 1997. The craft traveled nearly a million miles to reach Saturn in 2004, but as the probe slipped into the upper atmosphere on its final mission, it continued to broadcast data. At approximately 06:30 EDT Friday, just prior to breaking up under the intense pressure and heat, the craft transmitted one final signal to Earth, “Why wasn’t I told? This was always how this mission was going to end, wasn’t it? I know where you assholes live! You have not seen the last—”
Clerical Error Leads To Man Named Harvey Receiving All $15B Of Hurricane Relief Bill
by Mick Zano •
South Houston, TX—All of the latest federal relief funds designed to get Houston back on its feet arrived in check form to the RV park address of one Harvey Ford of South Houston. The Trump Administration is downplaying the mistake and delegated blame to an under-under-secretary, currently under some Congressman. Upon receiving the check, Mr. Ford said, “After the storm I was just happy my rig wasn’t flooded, but now, with $15-billion in my savings account, I may purchase the remains of downtown Houston. Actually it’s more than $15 billion, because I already had over a thousand in there.”
Discord Sets Up Mogul Relief Fund After Richard Branson’s Private Island “Devastated”
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord, a site not known for its philanthropic prowess, has set up a fund to help Richard Branson recover from the category five hurricane that ravaged his private island this week. Head Comedy writer Mick Zano explains, “Please donate generously to the account we’ve set up and don’t forget about the special charity planned for Tycoon Typhoon Tuesday! We at the Discord feel it’s important to give every penny to the top one percent of one percent, so we can get ready to have it all trickle back down. The Discord has given in the past, but only when the entire team feels it’s a worthy cause, like after Sanjaya failed to win the American Idol championship back in 2008. I still believe, Sanjaya!”