Satire at its finest.
Tweet Tower—Lawyers everywhere, even many who do not represent the president in any way, are begging him to stop rallying, tweeting or even speaking. The controversial Steele Dossier alleges Donald Trump paid high-end Russian hookers to pee on one another at the Ritz Carlton in Moscow back in 2013. President Trump has now changed his story about the incident a third time, regarding his length of stay at the infamous hotel.
Houston, TX—President Trump did not attend the funeral of Barbara Bush last week at St. Martin’s Episcopal Church in Houston. Despite this fact, the above image appeared on the White House website for several hours before it was suddenly removed and made into an origami giraffe. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) said, “This is a new low for President Trump. Kidding. The president is not standing next to his wife, which is the only aspect of the image that lends it some credibility. Can someone Photoshop him out of the White House, please? That would be great. Better yet, I want to be Photoshopped into a picture at his funeral. Kidding. I don’t even want that. The origami giraffe part sounds nice, though.”
Philadelphia, PA–The Daily Discord has uncovered a diabolical plot to alter the Constitution. There is mounting evidence that suggests that Skynet has just sent a Terminator back in time to the Constitutional Convention of 1787 for the purpose of ending the Electoral College. Some politicians are welcoming the move. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said, “Whatever the Founding Father’s initial intensions were, in the 21st century the Electoral College has helped elect Dubya and The Donald. In my opinion this proves the provision is irreparably broken. Ending the Electoral College through any normal constitutional means seems next impossible in the current political climate, so I commend and support the quick thinking of Skynet and their evil cyborg affiliates in this matter.”
Greybull, WY—Actor and spokesperson Wilford Brimley reported that his mustache was taken from his home, and his face, on the morning of April 24th. Mr. Brimley informed Big Horn County Police that his mustache was last seen the evening of the 23rd, somewhere between his nose and his mouth. Brimley told reporters, “John Bolton’s mustache does look a lot like mine, even more so since yesterday. Now I’m not saying that that’s my mustache, but I’m not saying that that’s not my mustache.”
New York, NY—Ambassador Nikki Haley presented a vial of President Trump’s urine in the middle of the United Nations’ General Assembly today as a sign of dominance. “The Trump Administration wants you all to know that America is still the alpha,” said Haley. “We all know the U.S. is number one, so the president is just spreading some of his own number one to each corner of this chamber.” The Ambassador then proceeded to update the list of President Trump’s nicknames for each of the 193 countries in attendance (except Nambia, who was a no-call, no-show).
Towson, MD—Stanley Freed, founder of Occupy Starbucks, started his movement shortly after his wife kicked him out yesterday. This morning things quickly escalated when some pro-caffeine, counter protestors arrived from the Black Coffee Matters movement. The confrontation between Mr. Freed and the group of yuppie espressorados lasted for seven long minutes, while onlookers kept staring at their iPhones and laptops. Mr. Freed is white and the Starbuck’s manager is black—so, not liking the odds, the police were never called. The employees resolved instead to huddle in the backroom and snort Via packets until the standoff ended.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is hosting French President Emmanuel Macron for a state dinner next week. The visit is in honor a 250 year friendship between France and the United States. The White House planned to keep the dinner menu secret, but the event details have already been leaked to the press. The leaker claims, “The Trump Administration will be serving a seven course meal that includes everything with the name ‘French’ in it.”
Beverly Hills, CA — During his three week U.S. tour, Saudi Crown Royal Mohammed bin Weinstein, entered into an agreement with Cirque du Soleil. Saudi Arabia recently lifted its long standing ban on such entertainment and the Circus of the Sun agreed to a specially crafted performance to honor Saudi National Day. According to eyewitness accounts and emergency personnel, the debut performance “didn’t go so well.”
Every time a political debate ensues, Mick Zano immediately breaks it down to a D vs R dichotomy. There he goes again, “Republicans are nothing but [insert derogatory adjective followed by pithy comment here].” He feels the GOP has become such a mess he wants to move beyond his usual array of insults to outright ignoring them. These bouts of avoidance should only be interrupted for some rotten vegetable lobbing. Bravo, Zano, Bravo. What if I told you both parties are flip sides of the same coin? Or, in this case, a wooden nickel.
Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, “You folks hired the ‘You’re Fired’ guy, so this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the UN the day after she said it. I also have Kelly, Pruitt, Carson, and many others on deck. Remember the movie Jaws? It’s like that. I looked out the window yesterday and I told my favorite staffer, Bob, or John, or Ted or something, we’re going to need a bigger bus. The biggest bus. The best bus!”