In true bipartisan fashion, President Biden has decided to fulfill at least one QAnon inspired prediction by opening a liberal run, child-sex-trafficking operation out of the basement of Pop’s Pizza in Clifton, NJ. The president hopes this political laurel-leaf will help republicans accept a wildly progressive agenda, not the least of which involves AOC just printing money willy nilly and handing it out to those most undeserving among us. Biden told reporters, “I want to extend universal healthcare to the whole universe, all on the backs of the American entrepreneur. I want it to include illegal aliens, those reptilians, the greys, and those green women Captain Kirk kept banging. Then I’m going to build solar panels on top of wind farms. And I will fund these green monstrosities by taxing the shit out of anyone not driving a Prius or a Tesla. Nuclear facilities will be turned into mall-sized dispensaries, and coal plants will be fumigated and converted into safe spaces for our LGBT communities. Then I’m going to shove Exxon so far up Shell’s ass they will both be thankful they’re petroleum producing companies. Then next week shit’s gonna get progressive.”

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Cedar Rapids, IA—Earlier today, Iowian native Betty Flood was ‘accidentally’ the recipient of 1.5 million doses of the Pfizer COVID vaccination. While some are calling this injecticide “politically motivated,” others believe this was an attempt by the Biden Administration to appear COVID-competent as they grapple with the logistics of this massive nationwide rollout. An eyewitness claims Mrs. Flood became concerned something was wrong during her five thousandth and twenty-first injection, at which time she was reminded by staff that she was “doing a great thing for America.” One nurse even said not to worry, because “the first million shots were covered under Obamacare.” Shortly before opting out of her health plan and then her life, she told the charge nurse, “Sorry to be a bother, but I was really holding out for Moderna.”

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Today, the Land of Social Media Censorship—which is also the worst theme park ever—has taken a turn for the worse. President Trump’s recent ban from Twitter on the way out has birther’d a slew of social media rules of engagement, or at least a new emphasis on enforcing terms and conditions of use.  As a result, a friend of mine is serving a 12-day Twitter jail sentence, while still another was relegated to 30-day stint behind enemy lines in fascist-controlled Zuckerberg. Both incidents were rather tame, unless schadenfreude is now a crime. My friend Dan’s comment involved wishing Mike Pence an untimely demise, not sure of the exact details, but Dan does tend to get rather colorful with his comments. It’s Okay, he’s British. To quote Douglas Adams, he’s mostly harmless. Meanwhile, another acquaintance abused social media by hoping Ted Cruz’s recent seditious antics landed him in some Texas jail in which, as karma would dictate, he’d eventually be “raped by a cactus.” Now I understand about specific threats, but I am not sure this is what anyone would consider actionable intelligence. Granted, there are a lot of indigenous cacti in the region in question, but then his intentions would need to be somehow relayed to a plant in the succulent family, who would then agree to carry out this heinous act. [The following ‘prison succulent’ joke was removed by WordPress.] In other words, there’s a very low percentage of pulling this off. Granted, if someone ever managed, Ted would be doing some pulling off of his own. On a side note, if he loses his job in the Senate, it would be a real shame if he wouldn’t qualify for Obamacare.

[‘Thornographic’ joke deemed insensitive to desert flora.]

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Donaldtown, GY—Mark your calendars, folks, because next November former president Donald J. Trump will be taking his whole basket of deplorables on a magical mystery rally for even more bigly winning! Cult-45 is cordially inviting all of his key peeps to join him at a newly established city of gold, deep in the jungles of South America. The president is believed to have built something he calls a ‘metopia,’ because, as he told his new legal defense team, “There’s no you in you-topia.” He also added, “We have all the merch! MAGA hats, MAGA shirts, MAGA buttons, and all at MAGA discounts!!” When asked to clarify, he said, “Oh, yeah we changed my slogan to Make America Guyana Again. I’ve been trying to get the locals to start hauling blocks to build my Trumple, but so far they’re refusing to drink the—well, you know.”

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Tweet Tower—President Trump’s actions in his waning days in office demand his immediate removal and yet somehow the instructions, that should be clearly laid out in the US Constitution, have arrived via Amazon from the Netherlands with some assembly required. Congress is working feverishly to remedy the situation as the fate of our republic hangs in the balance. Amazon is tracking the package of the actual amendment itself, as the instructions seem to have arrived separately. During a press conference, Jeff Bezos admits the package was mistakenly sent to Outer Mongolia but that it is currently being safely sherpa’d to a small town in the Himalayas by a Yeti. Elon Musk has offered to have the package and the Yeti rocketed back to the US, and that Asian physicist with the white hair has offered to help with the assembly of the 25th Amendment, if and when it arrives safely. Thus far Congress remains unsure how to proceed during this anxious waiting period and is flirting with the idea of invoking the: “Hey, do you mind just wandering off quietly” clause.

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Tweet Tower—President Trump further tested his pardon power today, presumably in preparation for himself and his family, by pardoning disgraced Jedi Knight, Anakin Skywalker. The Jedi High Council found Skywalker guilty of a genocidal rampage that ended the lives of an entire settlement of Sand People on the planet Tatooine in the aftermath of the unfortunate death of his mother.

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New York, NY—Al Roker and company covered the 94th annual Macy’s Day Parade to mixed reviews. A trailer filled with children in cages was the first controversial float to roll down 34th street to the backdrop of the boarded-up Macy’s storefront. They were followed by the Rockettes packing the new RPG-7s that Trump is selling the Saudis to help with his Wag The War on Christmas. And, even though 34th Street is fairly level, things went straight downhill from there.

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Washington—At the onset of Joe Biden’s victory speech, to the horror of onlookers, the president-elect suddenly tore his own face off revealing the visage of Hillary Clinton! The former Secretary of State cackled wildly before shouting, “I’ll get you, my deplorables, and your little Barr too!” She then vaulted a broomstick in a snazzy blue pantsuit and flew off into the night, presumably toward 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

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My friend is still a little out of the loophole with regard to Trump’s ongoing crime spree, therefore, I must, as duty dictates, return to the trenches in an attempt to enlighten the floundering republican brain. And for this noble act you may call me a Bloghisattva. What? …too much? Here’s the thing, over on FB my friend asked me to name one thing that Trump did that can be considered a crime, which is tougher than it looks …to narrow down. He then pointed to the clear D crimes over the years, a list that included Bill Clinton’s speech wherein he charged Moscow his usually speaking engagement fees, Hillary’s missing emails, and Hunter Biden’s dubious paychecks from Keiv. I suppose in opposite world these are the worst things to have happened since Benghazi. While my friend is napping, what the rest of us have learned is twofold: first off, those of a certain tax bracket seem above the law entirely, especially with regard to the tax code. Second, there’s also a significant executive cushion that is further protecting our commander and chief from legal consequences. By using these two additional safety nets a con-man has exposed our country for the banana republic that it has become. So let’s just list the clear crimes, mainly because I have to make an appearance at work sometime next week.

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