Tweet Tower—President Trump is pleased to announce his donation brick challenge is already netting some hard results, literally. Bricks from brick-heads all over the heartland are arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of one day helping to keep dangerous murderers and rapists from entering the United States illegally. Recently the president reached directly to his concrete base to ask them to send him individually donated wall bricks with an emphasis on trying to get their Mexican neighbors to pay for them. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders told reports today, “The president couldn’t be happier with the Mexican bricks arriving in the mail. We are especially happy to receive any bricks not shipped via Amazon. The White House is also excited to announce Ivanka’s new “She’s a Brick House” women’s apparel line as well as Scott Baio’s new Jethro Tull collaboration, Thick as a Scott Baio.

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Washington—President Trump has just made a major announcement. The United Kingdom’s embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has agreed to meditate the debate on border security here in the U.S. in the hopes of reopening the federal government. President Trump thanked the Prime Minister upon her arrival and told reporters, “Now we have two of the best negotiators in the world in the same place, so in my opinion the wall is all but built and the government is all but reopen #WallInTheFamily.”

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Chicago—The ongoing shutdown is impacting millions of Americans and the willingness of the unpaid masses to keep performing their critical roles is waning. TSA agent Harry Stiles is one man who’s bearing the brunt of this political impasse. Word came in yesterday that an individual was smuggling enough heroin on his person to fund Trump’s team of attorneys for an entire year, but Mr. Stiles is starting to have a shutdown problem of his own. He agreed to speak to The Discord only under the condition he could remain fictional. “This week I started patting down one leg and the person’s alternate arm. Next week I’m going with my ‘every other person pat down’ policy and if this shit drags on into February I’m initiating Operation Wild Wild West.”

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The Southwest—The lack of supervision during the government shutdown has triggered an unprecedented wave of criminal mischief across our national parks and monuments. Numerous reports are coming in that scores of juvenile delinquents have officially wrecked the southwest. Park rangers claim rattle snakes are being forced into clog-removing snake labor, whole canyons are being backfilled, and cactuses across our deserts are being humped and molested outright. There’s even reports coming in that the town of Sedona is now overrun with snooty, New Agey types. No, wait …that part’s normal.

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Tweet Tower—President Trump ended the government shutdown 17-minutes after Twitter announced it would be closing the president’s account. The company also informed the president that it relies heavily on indirect government funding to remain a leading social media platform #GovFundMe. Upon hearing the news, several White House staffers claim the president frantically tried to log onto his Facebook account. This ended minutes later with a Presidential Zuckerberg-Related Tirade (PZRT) that could be heard clear to the Washington Monument. The president then cursed all of the Facebook founder’s children and his childrens’ childrens’ children, before opting to bailout twitter and end the shutdown.

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The Great White North—President Trump recently relayed to Homeland Security his intention of building a northern border wall between the U.S. and Canada. At a rally in Orlando, Florida the president explained, “We need to keep out all the Yetis, the Bumbles, the Eskimos and those Abominable Hockey Players. That whole country could win an ugly sweater contest. It could. I’m also not happy with Trudeau. Not happy! And don’t worry about the cost, because I’m going to get Santa’s factory elves to pay for it.”

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Tweet Tower—This year has seen a marked increase in the illegal drone presence at and around our airports. Many citizens are also upset by an expanding fleet of private drones that continue to encroach on our personal privacy at beaches, pools and naked Dungeons & Dragons marathons. Moved to Friday, gang! Shortly after the two day drone siege of London’s Gatwick airport, the White House is finally addressing this global problem. President Donald Trump has used his Art of the Deal prowess to finalize an agreement between Skynet and the Trump Organization. The Donald believes this arrangement is win win, and by ‘win win’ he means “for myself and my family.” The president told the press today, “I made a deal with the best people over at Skynet! The best people!! Illegal drones are history, HISTORY!! #Trumpinated.” Despite the benign sounding business agreement, The Discord has discovered the secret involvement of many other key global players in this endeavor, such as, but not limited to: Umbrella Corp, Soylent Corp, Koch Industries, Beelzebub Global, Monsanto, Rio Tinto, The Backstreet Boys, American Cyanimide, MomCorp, GeneCo, Multi-National United, Mordor LLC, Dante Laboratories, SCOTUS, LexCorp, Tyrell Corporation, Veidt Industries, The National Rifle Association, Blackwater, Abstergo Industries, The London Symphony Orchestra, KAOS, Chick Fil A, LexCorp, Biffco, Alternate Street Parking, Biffco again…

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Tweet Tower—The White House has remained woefully understaffed throughout President Trump’s first term and, since legal jeopardy is rising for cabinet and staff members alike, the president has proposed an innovative solution. Anyone who accepts a position with the administration will now get to hand select their own personal free-range attorney directly from the White House lawn. The Trump Administration hopes this new perk will increase the number of applicants, which have recently fallen to slightly below zero. In related news, the HR director is unavailable for comment and is facing significant jail time.

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