Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Indian Probe Lands on Moon

by Mick Zano • December 18, 2008

The first Indian probe landed on the moon last week…OK, granted, the staff here at the Discord doesn’t always have a keen understanding of world events, but bear with us. We really do sincerely applaud the efforts of Indians in the space race. Now go out there and scalp some Martians, bitches! Did we mention that we are not always politically correct either?

by Mick Zano • December 16, 2008

The Daily Discord’s Chief Executive Pierce Winslow is amidst a political firestorm that can only be described as a political firestorm. Winslow is adamantly denying any connection to the recent arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald’s office is in possession of several phone conversations—one of which allegedly includes Mr. Winslow attempting to purchase Barak Obama’s vacated Senate seat. Whereas Mr. Winslow is clearly heard offering part of the Discord’s recent two billion dollar bailout fund for the Senate seat in question, the conversation is garbled by dingbats and expletives.

The key phrase investigators are focusing on what occurred on December 1^st, when Winslow is heard shouting: “I want that &*^%ing Senate seat, dip &*^%, or I’ll come over their myself and stick a *@&^ #*&^% with forceps you *&^%$ %^& #*&*^9$& sick &*&^ with bacon bits. Winslow is also quoted as saying, “F*&* me, Blagojevich? F&*^ You, you &**^%$ &^*# Cornel Wilde *&^%ing *&^% *&^&!”

Head attorney at the Discord, Mr. G. Shaman believes the garbled nature of the message renders it “F&#@ing moot” and, furthermore, promises to clean his own system prior to the court proceedings.

by Mick Zano • December 13, 2008

The top Chief Executive of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has contacted key Washington officials on the hill this week to discuss the details of a pending two billion dollar bailout plan hoped to keep the Daily Discord from bankruptcy. The Discord, hailed by at least one bald person in Vegas as “an important media source,” desperately needs the cash-flow amidst these daunting economic times. The cost of maintaining the website is believed to top three-hundred dollars annually. Most of the rest of the two billion taxpayer-relief dollars will be allocated on much needed booze and hookers.

“No golden parachutes for us,” stated Mr. Winslow to the press on Wednesday, “Just some well-deserved drunken orgasms.”

Apparently, several of the Discord staff ingest illicit substances that are dangerous to wean from, so some of the money will have to go to medically necessary recreational drugs.

“Of course,” added Winslow. “Potentially lethal alcohol withdrawal is a very real issue for many of our employees…and may explain our Crank Manifesto column.”

Winslow plans to remain “painfully forthcoming” regarding expenses, but does warn that if the funds are denied a turn toward lower-scale prostitution could “exacerbate our current health care crises as our staff descends, en mass, on our local walk-in health clinics.”

by Mick Zano • December 8, 2008

The mayor of San Francisco, with the full support of the City Council, voted today to pass a new ordinance allowing local police to publicly guillotine anyone who voted to ban same sex marriage in California. The new unit—designed to remove your unit— was created by renowned artist I. Juan DeCock and is affectionately named Proposition 8″.

“It’s much more than a machine,” said DeCock, “it really makes a statement. A similar machine designed for punishing women voters poses anatomical challenges,” states DeCock, “but our staff will work around the cock to find a solution.”

by Mick Zano • December 6, 2008

President-elect Barak Obama has reached almost a point of absurdity by nominating the Snowmiser as Secretary of State. Further complicating matters, the Obama team announced the nomination of his brother and arch nemesis, the Heatmiser, to the office of Secretary of Defense. This is clearly beyond non-partisanship as the two refuse to work together on any level. Key Washington officials warn that the brothers plan to abuse their newfound powers by expanding extreme weather-patterns into historically mild regions of the world. The nomination of the Heatmiser, in particular, has caused a political firestorm (pardon the pun) amongst the liberal blogosphere. Many on the left are enraged by a choice that they believe threatens the ‘Arctic ice shelf itself.’

by Mick Zano • December 2, 2008

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) celebrated its fiftieth anniversary this year. Finally, the AARP becomes eligible to join in on its own fun and savings. Prior to this milestone, the company either had to wait outside or pay the full-cover charge for such exciting events as bingo, stamp bingo, cage bingo, cow chip bingo, or full-body contact death-match bingo (not covered by most insurance policies). Remember, over the past fifty years some of the AARP’s most memorable moments involve not remembering moments.

by Mick Zano • November 29, 2008

In the aftermath of hurricane Norbert, which slammed into the Mexican West coast in October, meteorologists believe the category four storm’s Western turn was premeditated. Shortly after the Los Cabos weather station named the storm, the category one hurricane strengthened, changed course, and allegedly made several threatening phone calls to the weather station in question.

by Mick Zano • November 27, 2008

According to Disney World officials, only five of the seven original dwarves will be returning to work this spring at Orlando’s Disney World. “Unfortunately, we just can’t afford to pay all of them anymore,” states Disney’s Chief Executive, Robert Iger. Iger claims to be in constant communication with Walt Disney’s head, cryogenically frozen at Citi-lab Orlando since 1966. “Walt agrees with the decision, whole headedly,” he joked. Iger refused to speculate on future cuts, but warned, “Grumpy better stay on his fucking Zoloft.” When asked about the tough decision, Iger stated, “Doc was a no-brainer. The kids won’t even miss him.” The decision to pick-axe Sneezy is less clear, however. According to key Disney insiders, Sneezy had an ongoing public relation issues, complicated by uncontrollable convulsive expulsions of mucus as well as financial problems. His out of control credit card debt was allegedly accrued at the Oriental Happy Ending Massage Parlor. Too often the sounds of Thai-ho, Thai-ho could be heard echoing along Orlando’s Orange Blossom Trail, amidst intermittent sounds of gesundheit.

by Mick Zano • November 25, 2008

First Soylent Green Plant Requesting Bailout Funds

It is not surprising that the first factory to produce grade D but edible ‘Soylent Green’ will open its doors in the heart of the ‘retirement state.’ Many see this as just another sign of a collapsing society. “But give us some points for honesty,” asserts CEO Bernie Hamilton. “We didn’t want people finding out the hard way that they’ve been gnawing on people wafers. We just wouldn’t want a repeat of history—like in that movie.”

by Mick Zano • November 22, 2008

After talking with his new administration, President Elect Obama has made the decisive decision to order the hundred trillion place, the quadrillion place, the gazillion place, and the holy-shit-Batman-we’ve-gone-plaid-illion place for the national debt clock in Time Square, New York. The rationale is twofold, first, a preemptive move is hoped to quell market fears by reassuring the public that the new administration is doing something about our out-of-control deficit, and, second, there may be some modest savings to the taxpayer by buying these extra digit-places in bulk.