Satire at its finest.
A Discord poll found an astounding 52% of those questioned would prefer to be abducted by extraterrestrials than endure four more years of a Donald Trump presidency. This staggering number remained almost as high when participants were reminded of the whole anal-probe thing (APT). The poll comes with a margin of error plus or minus 95% as Alex Bone was wrongly provided a corporate credit card during the Tucson survey, which took place at a brewpub during happy hour. Charges pending.
The Congressional Budget Office released July’s deficit numbers and, in the immortal words of Warren Zevon, it ‘aint that pretty at all. On top of the usual tax cuts and heavy spending, the CBO is also tracking what the president is climbing on top of. Hooker Pay Offs, Hush Money, and Prison Hits were not even spending categories prior to President Trump taking the reigns, and, if leaked images prove accurate, the Ball-Gag and Leash categories as well. Head of the CBO, Bob Excel, said, “Paying off hookers has only managed to escort our deficits all the way to the proverbial Penthouse. See what I did there? It’s kind of like an ouroboros, or a snake eating some hooker’s tail kind of thing …uh, and then the necessary billions to make the problem slither away. We’re attempting to lower costs by keeping some of these executive escort services in-house, but Ivanka is not returning our calls.”
Dayton Someone—The Discord has obtained exclusive, Photoshopped images of the president’s recent mass shooting twofer. The pictures were apparently leaked to the internet, before they were downloaded into an older and more affordable version of Photoshop where they were altered by a crazed-liberal hack. These images now depict the president in seemingly more offensive activities that …oh, who am I kidding? The stuff he actually did was way worse.
New York, NY—A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Correctional Center, Skip D. Rounds, told the Discord today— Oh, before we go there, there’s some new business I’d like to address. The New York Times posted a scathing article that claims: “Epstein’s death unleashed a torrent of unfounded conspiracy theories online.” The Daily Discord is demanding a full retraction at this hour. They must absolve today’s feature as well as yesterday’s Pulitzer-worthy coverage: AG Barr Blames Epstein’s Death Behind Bars On Epstein-Barr.
Washington, DC—The Justice Department has both opened and closed the case on the death of accused sex-trafficker and socialite, Jeffery Epstein. AG William Barr ordered the Inspector General to open the investigation into the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s suspicious death while in federal custody and then finalized the report, in what many are calling an orchestrated effort to end the Justice Department’s inquiry, roughly seventeen minutes later, to coincide with a presidential tweet on the same subject.
Queens, NY—After a heated exchange, the competency and possible criminality of president Trump’s grade school teacher is under scrutiny at this hour. When the retired 87-year-old teacher, Mrs. Magaluso, was questioned as to whether or not she received payment for allowing the current president to graduate elementary school, she clearly dodged the question by changing the subject to her family’s coveted (or covfefe) lasagna recipe. Refusing to let this old fish wriggle off the hook, The Discord’s own Alex Bone pressed Trump’s former teacher further by asking the question: “What did you know, Mrs. Magaluso, and when did you know he didn’t know it?”
Gilroy, CA—Several witnesses describe a morose, heartless throb, who both helped last week’s Garlic Festival shooter enter the park and then partied until dawn, effectively frying our coveted vampire genre *cough*. I’m being told I need to be more specific, because not one but two mass shootings have occurred while this was waiting patiently in The Discord posting queue. Fine! The California one, which occurred before the Dayton/El Paso twofer. See?! It’s not too soon, because lots of other horrible things have happened since I wrote this shit, aka put a stake through it already! This nation is toast and our vampire genre is on borrowed time!
[Undead joke dug back up, decapitated, staked through the heart and then provided with a proper Christian burial.]
Amidst last night’s edgy debate two clear and separate factions of the Democratic party have emerged. Many feel such heated exchanges are not suitable for all progressives and could emotionally scar viewers and participants alike. Under pressure from the Democratic National Committee, CNN has agreed to alter their format for tonight’s debate to accommodate these concerns. Moving forward if a participant becomes frightened by any mention of a potential segregationist, misogynist, racist, or by someone believed to have seen a Mel Brooks film in a theater, they can take a brief timeout to collect themselves, get some snacks, or even grab a shower. CNN is also working diligently to install real-time ‘cone of silence’ technology that can descend over the heads of those offended in the hopes of blocking out potentially trauma-inducing viewpoints and ideas. Home viewers are encouraged to hover a finger over their volume control or mute buttons.
Liberal-leaning engineers are covertly altering coastal drainage plans to influence which political districts will be most impacted by rising sea levels. Directing our ocean waters into key swing districts through District Drainage Manipulation (DDM) could all but eliminate the unfair voter-redistricting advantage currently enjoyed by Republicans. This important initiative does not have to seek the approval of the Supreme Court, unless we direct some of the seawater into their chambers, of course, ha ha (which is actually part of phase II. Phase III involves some beachfront property that sounds like Bar-a-Blotto). Weaponizing coastal flooding is not a new idea—well, maybe it is—but the concept of District Drainage Manipulation has many left-wingers wondering, “why not make that blue wave happen one way or another?” The pilot is set to occur along the New Jersey shore. Many of today’s music greats are already on-board and are organizing a massive Live Aid-style concert this summer to fund Project Oceanmandering at Seaside Heights, NJ. Rumor has it they have settled on the name Flood The Vote.
In the wake of the news of the recall of some potentially hazardous breast implants, at least one intrepid paraprofessional wannabe is taking action. An anonymous Discord staffer is looking to “get out in front on this one” for the purpose of keeping abreast of the situation. He claims to only want to help those women who may have received the textured, and now recalled, implants. “Since they’re textured it’s reasonable to assume that if I squeeze these puppies long enough, I can identify the dangerous ones. To keep this screening totally scientific I’ll also need a pair of control groups, let’s call them left and right. One control group will be comprised of individuals who believe they received the smooth/safer implants, and a second control group who never had any implants at all but just likes to be fondled.”