Philadelphia, PA – CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is not playing games. He wants to send a clear message to American Digest, who, last week, posted a picture eerily similar to the Discord’s. That message being that this behavior won’t be tolerated.

“The t-shirts are the main concern,” said Winslow. “We could easily sell 5 or 6 of those at a net profit of something ranging toward a cool Grant.”

“A grand?”

“No, a Grant….fifty bucks,” clarified Winslow. “So send us fifty bucks, American Digest, and we’re even. Or, you’ll be hearing from a Mr. Cohen.”

Mr. Winslow was asked if he would still sue if the picture in American Digest proved to be posted before his own. He was also asked why the Daily Discord fails to copyright anything.

“Details!” replied Winslow. “Copyrighting is for pussies. We stole the balloon pic from the Drudge Report, fair and square, and then Sean Kelsey worked his Photoshop magic that very night. It happened like this: our guy Zano thinks of the idea as he’s watching that silver balloon sail across the Colorado sky. He thinks of this stuff because he’s not well, you see. His thoughts are then broadcast across the noosphere, amplifying throughout the morphic resonance.”

When asked to explain that last statement, Mr. Winslow went into a tangential rant involving Carl Jung, Teilhard de Chardin and that old ‘Hey Vern’ guy.

When asked how he plans to prove damages in court, Winslow said, “Look, our post is better. The morphic resonance acts like a filter so, by the time their guy thought of it, the thing is dumbed down a bit. ‘Balloon Boy’ doesn’t even appear anywhere on their picture. So in a few weeks, people are going to look at their t-shirt and say, what the hell is that a giant portabella mushroom in the sky? Sure it might have some appeal in certain psychedelic circles, but for the most part it’s crap! Now, if you will excuse me, Matt Drudge is texting me in ALL CAPS.”

Washington, DC – President Barak Obama announced today that Operation Troop Tarry has moved into the final part of the third phase, wherein the decision to schedule the pre-meeting to establish several meetings between the Obama Administration and several key military personnel can commence.

“Our troops on the ground in Afghanistan can not wait another minute,” said Obama. “Due to the urgent need for a decision regarding troop levels, we are skipping Assignment Afghani Adjourn and moving directly to Project Prolong Executive Endeavor.” 

When asked what that meant, Obama tapped on his teleprompter and muttered something about Bible thumping hickwads.

Apparently, the first in a series of nearly scheduled meetings will initiate Operation Outlook Express, wherein the secretaries of all prospective attendees will establish a time and place for the pre-meeting round table discussion (PMRTD), where all agenda items for the Stall Symposium will be finalized. 

Obama assured the press, “Once the agenda is set for the pre-scheduling of the meeting’s meeting, our Shock and Defer Campaign can kick into full procrastination mode.”

When asked directly when General McChrystal can expect an answer on troop levels in Afghanistan, Obama replied, “When does the Mayan calendar end again?”

Nowhere, AZ – “Life before Python was a terrible ordeal,” stated Mick Zano to reporters.  “My first two years without them…”

Zano paused and sobbed for a time.  He believes he suffered from a deep clinical depression during that mind-numbingly bleak period four decades ago.

“I just kind of laid around a lot.  I didn’t talk much and I cried a lot.”

Zano claimed it was a lot like college. “I blocked it out. I remember next to nothing.”

When asked if he used drugs or alcohol to cope with the situation, Zano replied, “I had a binkie that I called binkie…I used that almost constantly.  I kind of hid my troubles in a pair of breasts, if you know what I mean.  But I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

When asked if Monty Python has influenced his work, Zano said, “Python?  Hell no.  I just regularly cut and paste their shit into my work, so I wouldn’t say influence exactly. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I will taunt you a second time-eh.”

Phoenix, AZ – Wayne Gretzky “forgot” to tell everyone he didn’t want to play coach anymore and left the Phoenix Coyotes in the lurch, right before the launch of the 2009-2010 season. He was apparently doing some soul-searching involving prostitutes. He later told reporters his alarm clock didn’t go off, the bus was late, and his dog may have eaten part or all of his roster. All I can say is, with or without Wayne Gretzky, the Glendale Arena has Guinness on tap and affordable seats. Outside of the arena is West Gate with bars and restaurants of all shapes and sizes. The Yard House has over a hundred beers on tap! It’s a great sporting event. In fact, I have yet to actually make it inside for a game. Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player of all time, but not the best business manager. He even let me drive the Zamboni before and after games, which shows a stunning lack of common sense.

Gretzky told reporters “The Puck Stops Here.”

He then said several other bad hockey metaphors before we both drove the Zamboni. That’s not a metaphor; two guys can drive a Zamboni. It’s good clean fun.

Austin, TX – Austin Police Chief, Art Acevedo, says he is ready to “take on” blogs and will be perusing the comment sections on local media internet sites.  Acevedo believes his police department has been misrepresented in the blogosphere on numerous issues.

“A lot of my people feel it is time to take these people on,” said Acevedo. “When people are willfully misleading and lying, they are pretty much cowards anyway because they are doing so under the cloak of anonymity.” 

The Crank—which is his god given name, mind you—had this to say: “Hey, Buford T. Justice, leave them blogs alone!”

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, is “highly offended that Chief Acevedo keeps soliciting his children for sex.”

Mick Zano would like to add that he “hopes he comes clean on the bestiality charges soon.”

Chief Acevedo went on to say that he “likes to where pretty pink dresses and gets obnoxiously drunk during business hours on the taxpayer’s dime.”

The Daily Discord’s own, Bald Tony, has discovered the chilling truth that the first amendment means nothing to this man, and, apparently “when he’s not luring young women to their demise, he likes to lure young boys to their demise.”

In his own defense, Chief Acevedo had this to say, “I am fascinated with human excrement, but won’t seek help because of my deeply spiritual Wiccan belief system.”

The Daily Discord welcomes the Acevedo lawsuit to come.

“We’re kind of surprised the Maria Shriver lawsuit never panned out,” said Winslow. Despite the inability to get sued by anyone, Winslow remains optimistic.  “I believe any publicity is good publicity—right, goat-humping cop guy?”

Islamisbad, Fudgepackican – The Daily Discord is not going to take this recent threat against a beer drinking tradition lying down (passed out, maybe).  The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is leading the charge against Al-Qaeda operatives.

“These gravy sucking pigs have gone too far,” states Winslow. “Knock down some buildings, sure; blow up some daycare centers, fine; but you mess with my favorite adult beverage and you can kiss your tribal-jihadist-assess goodbye.”  

Winslow believes his own bar-crawling bombers will give Al Qaeda a taste of their own medicine.

“Only this medicine is fermented,” states Winslow.  “We plan to use a little luck of the Irish to defend our German allies.  The car bombs, complete with Guinness, Bailey’s, and Jameson’s Irish whiskey, should not only transform Islam as we know it, but…well, that’s actually good enough.”

Pierce Winslow, perhaps the most staunch supporter of large warm German beers has recruited 70% of the Daily Discord staff (n = 7) to the war effort.

“Recruitment was easy,” claims Winslow, “because the Daily Discord staffers are desperate to cover the Oktoberfest festivities in Germany.  Besides, I supplied the car bombs.”

A plan is in place wherein, if Al-Qaeda does ANYTHING to disrupt the flowage of beer during Oktoberfest, our own counterattack Operation Jihop will ensue.  Seven Daily Discord brewicide bombers, armed with car bombs hidden in their beer belly cavities, will descend on several of Al-Qaeda’s undisclosed locations. Videotape of the last Discord brewhaha has already been broadcast on Al JaBeera, which has sufficiently struck beer in the farts of men.  To entice more recruits, Winslow has promised each brewicide bomber 72 dry-gins in the after hours.  This means WAARRRR!

Heaven, UP – After reading the Washington Monthly last week, God burst a nut (which proves God is a guy).  God read a poll where the south still has a 45% approval rating for republicans.  This is over 30% higher than the second place contestants, the Midwestern region of the U.S.

When God found out how many impoverished southerners opposed Obamacare, God said, “OK, they barely complain about a trillion dollars to some CEOs, but ME forbid someone tries to spend a trillion dollars on them…that’s it!  I’m going to drown those patriotards once and for all.” (which proves God reads the Daily Discord, which  really isn’t that impressive because he’s blognipotent.)

God is planning more rain in the forecast for the southeast until “those bananas wake up smell the karma” (which proves God is either Hindu or confused).

Our own Bald Tony asked God if this would be another forty-days and forty-nights thing, and God replied, “No, no.  I really don’t have that kind of time.”

God hopes to hit them with all he’s got in kind of a Shock and Awe campaign.

“We’ll see how they like it.”

When Bald Tony pointed out how drowning hordes of uninsured patriotards seemed kind of ‘Old Testament’, God smote him and shit. 

Pittsburgh, PA – Pittsburgh?  Why not Detroit?  Why not hold the whole summit in the muffler system of an abandoned Ford Granada parked in the sub-basement of a bomb shelter?  Not only is this the lamest venue yet for one of these global pow-wows, but the decision to host the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh is also cruelty to protestors.  The same people fighting for the environment are now gasping for air.  Of course, a lightheaded protestor is a peaceful protestor.  Granted, this staffer was twittering and texting during most of the summit, but it sounds like a secret uranium enrichment facility was discovered there.  Now, how stupid are we to host the summit at the very site where we are hiding a weapons facility in the first place?  This is intolerable.  How are we supposed to nuke the whales now?!  Hold, on, hold on…I’m getting a text from the Ghetto Shaman.  He doesn’t have any ID and he wants me to buy him beer.  I am going to cover the healthcare thingie now.  Wait, need coffee.  You know what?  Suck it, Winslow, I resign!  You cover the healthcare pubic option rebate.

New York, NY – Governor David A. Paterson is still running for re-election as Governor of New York, despite President Barak Obama’s suggestion that he withdraw from the race…oh, we can’t do this.  The guy is blind.  How is that funny?  Scrap this one, Winslow.  We have to draw the line somewhere.  Besides, why is this guy Governor of New York if his name’s Paterson?  Sounds like he’s a few miles off the mark, eh?  I used to do dope runs in Paterson all the time.  Good times, good times.  

So how’s the kids?  Can you do something about the Crank? He is really starting to piss me off.  Did you see the pic where he’s water boarding me?  What the hell is that shit?  He is out of control, dude!  Since when is torture funny?

You wanna get drunk this weekend?