Kabul, Afghanistan—Members of the Afghani government are becoming increasingly frustrated with the recent string of President Hamid Karzai’s poorly conceived morale-boosting events.

“I wore my biggest and my silliest turban on silly hat day,” said a disgusted Hassan Rahimi.  “Granted, it’s not much bigger or sillier than any of my other turbans, but I thought there would at least be prizes or something.”

“Karzai completely ignored my suggestion that we have a lottery and then stone to death whoever picks the lucky ticket,” said another Hassan Rahimi.  “The man ignores the classics!”

“His casual burkha day really sucked,” added Abdul Haq of Kandahar. “And don’t even get me started on dunk a Mullah Monday.”

“Mistakes have been made,” admitted President Karzai.  “I didn’t think I had to specify no IEDs during the lunchroom obstacle course, but live and burn.”

The politically embattled president went on to say, “My country still needs something that will unite the Afghani people behind a common cause, like maybe a good pie fight.  If anyone has any ideas, please email me…preferably before Wednesday, which is kiss a camel hump day. I’m really worried about that.”

After unsuccessfully suing the band Smashing Pumpkins for plagiarism, comedian Leo Gallagher has now set his sights on some much-needed book revenue.  Apparently in 1974, Gallagher tried to liven-up his act by hitting a member of his audience with a large sledge hammer.  This did not have the desired effect.  After his release from a West Hollywood jail, Gallagher felt more determined than ever to smash something with something else and earn his place in comedic history.  After his parole ended, Gallagher destroyed his apartment amidst a dark period known as his ‘pre-melonic phase’.  Inspired before a show in Anaheim, he decided to hit an uncooked turkey with a large medieval mace. Few people enjoyed the act, however, and one couple from Pasadena contracted salmonella.  Despite these setbacks, Gallagher knew he was onto something (besides antibiotics).

“Then one day it just hit me,” said Gallagher, “…like a sledgehammer to a watermelon.”  History was made that day and then splattered across a great many a venue.

Law enforcement officials have indefinitely suspended all of Gallagher’s book signings since last week’s ‘incident’ when an Oceanside man mistakenly dressed as a melon for the event. The fan died outside of a San Diego Barnes & Noble due to severe head trauma. 

Senator Nelson (NE) released this stunning conversation on the eve of the healthcare vote.  Our technical crew worked diligently to bring you the transcript version of this important audio:

Senator Nelson: “Mr. Rezko, Rahm, David…to what do I owe the honor?”

Tony Rezko: “Hayadooin Senator.  We need to come to some sort of understanding on the Healthcare bill. I’m of the impression that youse may be a ‘no’ vote.”

Senator Nelson: “Well guys, there are problems with—”

Tony Rezko: “Bennie, Bennie, It’s of da highest import dat youse vote ‘yes’ on dis here bill.”

Senator Nelson: “Bu-bu-but guys, I really got problems with—”

Tony Rezko: “Listen, if ya don’t go the way we needs ya ta go, youse got real problems.  I know youse guys got dis here Air Force base, uh wutisit, Offortt Sumtin? Now it sure would be a shame if sumtin wuz ta happin to dis here Base, wouldn’t it?”    

Senator Nelson: “What could happen to an Air Force Base?”

(inaudible)

Senator Nelson: “You wouldn’t…”

Tony Rezko: “Just tink of da ten tousand poor Nebraskans widout a job. Dat would be a terrible ting.”

Senator Nelson: “You’d put the safety of the country at risk and put thousands of people out of work?”

Tony Rezko: “Safety of the country?  You tink we care about dat?  Two words, Bennie Boy, Janet Napolatano.  But enough talk. Rahm, David…bend some Geneva Conventions around this guy’s neck.”

(Sound of water running. Garble, garble, cough, sputter. Inaudible.)

Washington, DC – Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, has unveiled her airline screening plan to have passengers tuck their shoes under one armpit while twirling their underwear on the alternate fingers.

“The frequently incontinent will not stand for this,” warned activist Dribbly McSkidmarck.

When asked about the recent intelligence failures, Napolitano said, “Look, we can’t stop every known terrorist who wants to bring explosives onto a plane.  But what we can do is continue to make everyone miserable who tries to board with bottled water.”

When reminded how the passengers on the Detroit flight actually used water to put out the fire, Napolitano said, “Sure, in this case, but usually water is highly unstable.”     

Rather than playing the blame game, Napolitano is calling for a full investigation into her own competence.

CIA Director Leon Panetta suggested, “Maybe it [her competence] just fell behind the couch.”

FBI Director Robert Mueller immediately countered, “Of course, we checked behind the couch, dipshit. I guess we ‘forgot’ to tell you guys.”

The House Intelligence Committee believes her competence may have snuck over the Mexican border while she was still governor of AZ.

Unhappy with any of the explanations, Napolitano said, “I am raising the national threat level to one of those other colors, until some idea of my relative competence can be ascertained.”

The Daily Discord would like to set the record straight on several recent errors:

“Obama to Undress Gay Community” was simply an unfortunate typo, honest.

“Michael J. Fox’s War on Parkinsons off to Shaky Start” shows a distinct lack of journalistic integrity and/or class.

Our headline “Plot Thickens Over Drunken MILFs Mysterious Knee Bruises” was found to be offensive to drunken slutty MILFs everywhere.

In our defense, our editing staff is underpaid and almost completely disinterested at this point.  They work in oppressive conditions under the constant fear and scrutiny of a mean and despicable man.  Did you happen to catch A Christmas Carol this year?  What Winslow would have done to those three ghosts…it makes me shudder.

Taos, NM — Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, is asking his fellow Americans to destroy all forms of bacon brownies.

“This highly unstable compound must be deleted from your hard drives and removed from your recipe folders,” said Hogbein.

Remember in the movie The Princess Bride that ‘Pit of Despair’ machine that could take years off your life? Hogbein posits the Man in Black was actually being force-fed bacon brownies intravenously.

“This singularly fatal dessert could be the tipping point that destroys healthcare,” warned Hogbein.  “Our emergency rooms will be overrun if this nefarious concoction is unleashed on the masses!”

Military personnel believe it shouldn’t be too hard to track pork shipments in the Middle East.  And the government is boasting at least one successful predator drone attack on a known Al-Qaeda Baking Camp in North Waziristan.

Dr. Hogbein believes bacon brownies might have led to the disappearance of the Mayans, the Atlantians, and parts of Fat Bastard.

“Besides, I had to take an extra Lipitor just to read the ingredient list.” Hogbein insists these pastries constitute an act of war. “Now that their recipe has been downloaded into Americana, all the terrorists would need to do now is bomb Pfizer, the makers of Lipitor, and we would be completely defenseless.”

Did I just say that out loud?

Tehran, Iran – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is denying allegations his country is developing weapons of mass destruction.

“Iran is simply trying to counter the dangers of global warming with a nice nuclear winter,” explained Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President hopes to both restore the delicate planetary balance to our shared ecosystem and, perhaps, even win himself the next Chernobyl Peace Prize.

When asked about being under the constant scrutiny of the global community, Ahmadinejad said, “I feel misunderstood, ostracized, and completely exhausted from torturing and killing all of those student protestors over the weekend.  Next they’ll be saying our weaponized microbial ‘Death to the Great Satan Martyr’ project is for some nefarious purpose.”

The Iranian President is also insisting his new line of chemical weapons facilities are for humanitarian genocides only.

“Frankly, I’m sick of all the recent nuclear fallout from my targets—I mean critics,” said Ahmadinejad.  “I meant critics, really.”

Chicago, Ill—”Mistakes were made,” said Tab Majors, chief organizer of World Aids Day.  “We certainly weren’t encouraging people to go out and contract AIDS on World AIDS day.”

Many believe the group’s slogans, such as ‘Join the Growing AIDS Coalition’, were too ambiguous, and critics insist a comma between ‘sex’ and ‘toy’ could have avoided a lot of embarrassment during their Safe Sex Toy Drive.

Chaos ensued during their event designed to promote needle exchange programs.

“We certainly didn’t want people banging hub right there in the middle of the parking lot and then passing the used needles around,” said Majors.  “Who knew our fifteen-foot hypodermic needle float would be such a trigger?”

The chief organizer is also denying allegations his recent journal Study Suggests Promiscuity Decreases Masturbation has led to a marked increase in high-risk behaviors amongst scholarly teens.  Perhaps the worst misstep came when Mr. Majors announced over a loudspeaker that it was Condom Free Day instead of Free Condom Day.  The mistake was complicated by the timing—the gaffe occurred during the naked candlelight vigil directly after the Viagra snorting contest. 

“We will certainly rethink our decision to invite hordes of heroin using Haitian Hookers next year,” said Majors, “Or at least not as many.”

Arlington, TN—Arlington Mayor, Russell Wiseman, one of the three Mayorial Wiseman  who brought the gifts of holiday reruns to Jesus, is complaining about the decision to preempt Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special with, as Wiseman put it, “Obama’s Afghany War, Muslim bullshit” (OAWMB).

As the only adult in the room, President Barak Obama responded to the Tennessee mayor’s criticism thusly, “Mwwaah-mmm-mwa-mwa-mwaa-hmmm-mw-mwa-mwaa.”

He then added, “Mayor, I am going to hold this football and I want you to run and kick it as hard as you can.”

Obama then added, “Peanuts?  You want to talk about Peanuts?  Try looking at your federal budget next year, Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger.”

Both Charlie Brown and the Burgermeister Meisterburger were unavailable for comment.