Philadelphia, PA – Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

“The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin’ me?” said Winslow. “We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you’re good, maybe you’ll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils.”

“Yeah, cash, what’s that?” stated Dave Atsals. “I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?”

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: “It’s for fame and glory purposes only.”

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

“Then he typically loses the file,” said Zano, “or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, ‘What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels’ and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking.”

“It’s better than how the process used to work,” added Atsals.

In an exclusive interview, the Son of God interviewed Barak “Messiah” Obama.  Christ almost immediately called Obama a “whiner” and said today’s political climate was “child’s play” compared to his own experiences.

“You try transitioning mankind from the Old Testament to the New Testament some time,” said Jesus.  “Now that’s change you can believe in.  When I came into power people were stoning gays to death, and God was smiting this and smiting that.  He was taking out whole towns, for My sake.”

When Obama questioned how he handled economic issues, Jesus said, “I, quite literally, turned the tables on the economic gurus of the time.”

But Jesus admitted he was out of control that day, which he attributes to consuming too much “Blood of Me.”  Jesus has never been able to forgive himself for his actions, because “Forgiveness is not my scene, man.”

“Look,” said Jesus, “they can’t do anything worse to you than they did to me.”

When Obama asked him to recount his final moments, Jesus said, “Well, it was a lot better than Mel Gibson’s portrayal in the Passion of the Christ but it was a lot worse than Monty Python’s version in Life of Brian.”

Jesus also admitted the Shroud of Turin was a fake, but that the grilled cheese image from Carolina was legit.

“I just happened to be in town and thought, fry not?” 

Springfield, (classified)—A Springfield man is in custody after the discovery that Al-Qaeda operatives have infiltrated several U.S. nuclear power plants.  Springfield’s Mayor, Joe Quimby, wants answers—and not the “Yes” ones that he usually requires of his staff.  Since the plant’s debut in 1989, Mr. Simpson has been involved in several near melt downs while manning the facility’s T-437 Safety Console.  Shockingly, none have resulted in his dismissal.  The owner of the Springfield plant, C. Montgomery Burns, is adamantly denying Simpson’s ties to terrorism.

“If this walking garbage-disposal of a man is Al-Qaeda then I’m Sandra Bullock.”

Neighbors describe Simpson as, “Oakily Doakily.”  However, Homer Simpson is well known to the local police department.

Chief Clancy Wiggum had this to say, “Simpson’s a menace.  I deal with him and his family almost weekly, usually Sundays 8:00-8:30PM on Fox.”

Thus far Simpson’s request to be “Yoo-Hoo boarded” has been denied.  Bush Attorney John Yoo defends the practice of Yoo-Hoo boarding on purely phonetical grounds.

“Besides, how could something so creamy and chocolaty be torture?” said Yoo.

“Mmmm, chocolaty,” said Simpson.

Washington D.C.—The U.S. National Park Service announced today that Canada has been sold to the Exxon Mobil Corporation so they can to do “whatever they see fit.”

In a press release today, Jonathan Jarvis, Director of the NPS, stated “As we all know, Canada is simply the largest suburb of the United States, and they have been nothing but a pain in the ass, what with their play money, insistence that they are a real country, and over use of the adverb ‘eh’. This is an opportunity for the U.S. to alleviate a portion of the Federal deficit, close the foreign oil gap, and shut those fuckin’ canucks up for good.”

Jarvis later asked to have the word “fuckin’” removed from his statement and placed in a to-go pouch.

Rex Tillerson, the CEO of Exxon Mobile added, “As Canada’s new landlords, we really don’t want to appear insensitive, so our theme Drill, Baby, Drill has been Canadianized to Drill, Eh, Drill to reflect our northern neighbor’s rich culture.  And, of course, they can keep their hockey. But the shale drilling will be impacting the ground water almost immediately, so, in a preemptive move, all hockey will be played on black ice with a white puck.  Frankly, we think it’ll be cooler anyway.”

When asked if there was any connection between this hasty business venture and the recent loss of the Olympic Gold Medal in Hockey, Tillerson replied, “None that I am aware of, but if they would see fit to extradite that war criminal, Sid the Kid, then…I mean, uh, no.”

Washington, DC—President Obama told reporters today his stimulus package is more of a long term job enhancement plan than a short term fix.

“We want you and your partner to get to work when the time is right for both of you…2011, 2012, whatever,” said Obama. “It’s best not to rush these things.”

Side effects of the job creation delay can include: poverty, homelessness, and a hobo-like body odor. If you do receive a job from the stimulus package and you experience shift-work that lasts more than eight hours, notify your Union Steward immediately.

In rare instances, you may experience considerably less free time during weekdays after accepting a stimulus created job. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while at a stimulus-created job, unless you were hired for a job that requires the operation of heavy machinery. Do not attempt a stimulus job if you are still accepting unemployment compensation, as the combination may cause an unsafe drop in wages. Do not take stimulus created jobs if you are not healthy enough for vocational activity.

Call today about your stimulus job, or, better yet, wait until next month some time.

A recent study by Pfizer, the makers of Zoloft, revealed the disturbing impact SSRIs and other anti-depressants are having on traditional blues music.

“I might as well join the Peace Corps,” said Jack Death, lead singer of The Armpit Salesman.  “After six months on Paxil, instead of jamming out to the blues, I would rather go to a ball game, fly a kite, or maybe spend some time in the park with my family.  It makes me fucking sick just thinking about it.” 

The Arm Pit Salesman’s latest CD, Skipping through the Sunshine has sold a record low four copies.

A recent poll suggests seven out of ten blues musicians find SSRI medications leave them feeling “way too perky.” Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Spa, believes this is an avoidable side effect of SSRIs.  Research indicates that by adding a blues stabilizer to your current medications, most blues band members can get out of that Sunday dinner and back to those Bourbon Street dive-bar gigs.  Blueztacia, one such anti-anti depressant, is designed to counteract the positive effects SSRIs have on mood.

“I don’t think any one pill can counteract the severe detrimental impact anti-depressants are having on blues bands and their music,” said Hogbein, “but prescribing a number of expensive supplemental medications might get my kids through college.”

Here ye, here ye.  From this day forward, all acronym jokes are hereby stricken from this website.  I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, declare all acronym jokes unlawful.  Such feeble attempts at humor are henceforth banished to Bogeyland, sent to the Forbidden Zone, and otherwise text-communicated.   Do you really think people are still laughing at these?  It’s unacceptable to me, Zano!  He doesn’t even edit other people’s shit anymore, he just adds lousy acronym jokes (ALAJ).  See!  Now he’s got me doing it!  Well, no more.  The party is over.  In lieu of the holes that this decree is sure to create, I would like to add only search keywords to increase the website’s hits and page views.  So instead of seeing an article entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (RKIW), you will now see: Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (political humor site).  Do you have any idea how hard it is to generate hits from articles entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels?  God, my writers suck!  

When you, our faithful audience, become more accustomed to these necessary changes, you won’t even notice them.  These procedural additions will ensure a savvy marketing strategy that could funnel as many as ten more people toward our site (fake news sarcasm).  See?  I bet you didn’t even notice that one.  If you have any questions, please click the Contact Us link on our home page (funny news), and we will most likely ignore it outright (satire political spoof).

Washington, DC – Military witches everywhere are pleased about a potential change in military policy. Existing legislature, established in the early nineties, has prevented those of the Wiccan faith from serving openly in the armed forces.

“Military issue cauldrons for the purpose of casting the evil eye on Al-Qaeda are long overdue,” said Colonel Saunders. “Besides, if women want to run around naked outside of the base all night, well, let’s just say I have mighty fine pair of military issue night vision goggles.”

When explained that followers of Wicca can be both male and female, Saunders became visibly upset.

“I said witches…witches implies female. Although warlocks have the word ‘war’ in their name, which is cool and all, this here legislature is designed for women folk. Now stop talking about fellas before you turn my voyeuristic exploits into a god-damn sausage fest.”

In response, Hecate is bestowing a curse on anyone who witnesses a Wicccan ritual with night vision goggles or any similar such device.