La Habra, CA—Refusing to be outdone, Octomom sent her eight children into the stratosphere today via a canoe strapped to several hundred helium balloons in the hopes of their safe arrival in London, Belgium. When it was pointed out that London wasn’t in Belgium, Octomom became irate, as she had apparently “promised them waffles.”

When asked if this was done as a publicity stunt, she said, “Fuck yeah,” as well as several other expletives, mostly involving swear words.

Provided most of the children survive, Octomom was promised a starring role in a reality TV show this Fall.

Octomom told the press today, “I could eat that little yachting-around-the-world bitch for lunch…Oh, and fuck Balloon Boy!”

Octomom reportedly drew the line at lighting the canoe on fire at the onset of the merry voyage.

“You have to draw the line somewhere,” said Octomom.  “Otherwise those bitches from Child Protective Services are back in droves.”

If you noticed there are only seven children in the canoe and not eight…ahhh, that has more to do with the PhotoShop prowess of one, Dave Atsals, than anything else. He brings LD to a whole new level. LD + comes to mind, or maybe Uber LD, or even LD² perhaps. He’s certainly our special little helper.

Remember a time when the U.S. wasn’t ranked 21^st in literacy rates or gazillionth in manufacturing?  When we had the biggest empire in the world, and the tallest Empire State Building to prove it?  Well, you don’t have to!  It’s still reality for many of our ‘special’ citizens who watch Fox News as their main source of propaganda.  Why should you ever have to face the real problems of our time, when you can be programmed to ignore them?  And don’t worry, the depression will all be Obama’s fault.  Thankfully, you’ll never make that pesky connection that voting in our 39^th ranked president, twice, for the eight-years prior to our demise had any correlation whatsoever.

Greg Sully of Lincoln, NE, said, “Fox news is like the History Channel and the SyFy Channel, all rolled into one.”

Mr. Sully enjoys the fear and suspense when a Democrat is in office and then the fictional security and prosperous period enjoyed when a Republican takes back command.

“And the Cylons are great too,” added Sully.

There was never anything wrong with the most expensive healthcare on the globe covering increasingly fewer and fewer people.  And, as for the environment…heck, over 90% of the environment lies outside of U.S. borders, right?  Makes you think, doesn’t it?  You shouldn’t do that.  And freedom’s just another word for—I don’t know another word for freedom (I watch Fox News).  There is no substitute for freedom in the Fox lands…or Thesauruses, apparently.

Nationalism isn’t a bad thing, just the way you do it is.

Washington, DC—President Obama is golfing and Vice President Biden’s mouth has been secured indefinitely in an undisclosed location until the current crisis passes.  The government is officially broken, politicians have reached absurd levels of corruption and stupidity, and the Tea Party movement is starting to look good to even sane Americans.

“We need to stop the bleeding,” said White House Spokesperson, Robert Gibbs.  “We need to stop the talking too.”

The White House plans to hideout, and not say anything or attempt to enact any laws for the next several months in the hopes that “it all goes away.”

“This is an unprecedented presidential collapse that we haven’t seen in our lifetimes,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News.

Sean was then reminded about George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and the last bit of the Clinton Administration.

Sean responded, “Well, besides them.”

He then repeated the phrase “not in our lifetime” until the injectable Thorazine arrived.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid held a joint press conference earlier today to restore faith in our current political system.  (Sorry…that was the joke.) 

BP has announced that each day the Deepwater Horizon gusher is now releasing over 5,000 barrels of Guinness into the Gulf of Mexico.  BP believes the switchover from oil to Guinness happened sometime yesterday, around ‘happy hour.’  Only moments after the announcement, distributors and beer enthusiasts across the globe created several viable plans to not only cap the well, but to salvage the majority of the beer already in the Gulf.

“This turn of events has mobilized a world response like no other,” said CEO Tony Hayward. “Well, at least not since the great Michelob eruption of 72.”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes this discovery will radically change our understanding of prehistory.  New theories about the extinction of the dinosaurs have already surfaced.  Did the Irish kill off the dinosaurs, or at least their livers?  Even more outlandish theories involve planetary brewing systems and vast networks of ancient interstellar pubcrawlers.  Meanwhile, Dr. Hogbein’s book Chariots of the Grogs remains ignored by the archeological community.

BP is strongly advising against unauthorized attempts to plug the hole by concerned private citizens.

“And under no circumstances should anyone try to drink anything floating in the Gulf,” warned Mr. Hayward.  “We have just struck Guinness and it will take several weeks before the first Guinness slicks reach shore.  This does mark the end of the fiasco and the beginning of the fiesta.”

Despite the rosy picture BP is painting, critics claim this is the worst case of beer abuse in recorded history…er, well, since the Michelob eruption of 72. 

Monroe, OH—Jesus identified Zeus, the supreme diety of Greek mythology, as the perpetrator responsible for torching the six-story Jesus statue last week.  Jesus was able to successfully single out the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from a police lineup, as the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from last week’s Ohio mayhem.  Although, it looks like Jesus might be pointing to bigfoot in the above picture, police assured the press that Jesus was simply, “Messing with Sasquatch.” 

“He does that,” said Monroe Police Chief, Jack Goldman. “Jesus is a cruel bastard when it comes right down to it.  You should have seen what he did to Nessie, just because her existence flies in the face of Biblical reason.”

Zeus was given the chance to strike a plea bargain yesterday; he decided instead to strike a giant oak tree outside of the courthouse. The act immediately set the tree and a neighboring daycare center ablaze. Meanwhile, Jesus is said to be letting the justice system do its job and is refraining from going all “Old Testament on his ass.”

“Better deal than Nessie got,” said Chief Goldman. “I still got people mopping in there.”

Prince William Sound, AK (within sight of Russia)—The Obama Administration is under considerable scrutiny for choosing the Captain of the Exxon Valdez to head clean up operations in the Gulf.

“I plan to catch some zzzzzs on the voyage over to the Gulf,” said Captain Hazelwood, “but don’t worry, I’m leaving the ship in the capable hands of my first mate and little buddy, Gilligan ‘Run-a-shore’ McBoozywreck.”

Hazelwood went on to say, “We were going to try to raise the Edmund Fitzgerald so we could head down south in style, but we sank our Fitzgerald-retrieval vessel en-route.”

Some are calling the pick a “dubious choice,” but Hazelwood is calling the people who are criticizing him as “an even more dubious choice.”

The captain is responding to critics thusly, “I have been cleaning water fowl with a toothbrush for the last twenty years.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  I just want a second chance to make things right. Oh, and if this doesn’t work out, Obama is going to let me head FEMA—which I believe is an acronym.  Hey, Barak-o, could I be the first Oil Spill Czar? You can’t deny I have the experience.”

When asked what really happened during the Exxon Valdez incident, he admitted, “I had a little Captain in me.”

He then did the nudge-nudge, wink-wink bit.

Athens, GR—Zeus, the supreme deity of Greek mythology, admitted to authorities today that he hurled the lightning bolt that destroyed the six-story Jesus statue off I-75 in Monroe, Ohio.

People who witnessed the incident claim, the clouds parted and then a large, partially clad Greek God yelled down, “Take that, you fucker!”

And then Jesus said unto him, “Father, why have you forsaken…oh, it’s not you this time.”

The statue then burst into flames and melted.

One witness claims Jesus said, “I’m melting, I’m melting,” but this parishioner later admitted her account may be distorted by consuming “way too much Blood of Christ and, oh, I had a little Captain in me.”

When asked why he did it, Zeus said, “It was originally Prometheus’ idea, the bloody pyro.”

Zeus also blamed his poor behavior on a childhood filled with abuse and neglect.

“My father, Cronus, was a real asshole.  The bastard ate all of my brothers, among other things.  You just don’t get over that…”

When asked if he was sorry for his actions, he said, “Jesus had it coming.  That wanker stole so much shit from, my boy, Dionysus, it ain’t funny.”

Are you an independent thinker?  Do you want to earn over 200K a year after taxes?  Taxes that, if you’re hired, you can probably dodge anyway?

Experience needed in writing and public speaking. Must have ability to follow a budget and at least 2 years experience in profit/loss management. Must be proficient in picking the right people for open positions.  Knowledge of U.S. Constitution a must. Need proof of efficiency training. Must prove citizenship. Ability to aim and fire a weapon helpful, but not required.  

Scuba diving certificate and knowledge of deep sea aquatic engineering a plus.

Career politicians, lawyers, and persons affiliated with the far left or the far right-fringe elements NEED NOT APPLY.

Philadephia, PA—The Daily Discord surrendered to authorities today after admitting they created the infamous photo plastered all over the media last week.  The image caused quite a commotion.

Maria Juarez of Guatemala City said, “I recognized the location and shouted, ‘Our day care center! The Earth has devoured our children!’”

“We never thought it would get this far,” said Mick Zano, a Discord contributor.  “The hole in the photo looks ridiculously large, spherical, and fake…like Michael Moore.”

CEO, Peirce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the incident.

“We picked this image out of four sink hole submissions.  The first had a big eye at the bottom (heh, heh), the second had a Cthulhu-like tentacle coming up out of it, and the last one depicted Reid and Pelosi doing some jungle love action down there.  I really didn’t understand that one.  I decided to keep it simple—just the big hole—and then we submitted the thing to places, and wow!  I wanted to correct the mistake, but sometimes good business is where you find it.  And sometimes, just sometimes, that somewhere is at the bottom of a giant PhotoShopped hole in Guatemala.” 

“We thought we could get away with it,” said Zano.  “I mean, who reports live from Guatemala?   We probably just fly over it with some secret Predator Blogs, or something.  But, it got too big too fast, so our lawyer suggested we come forward.  He’s a busy man, our lawyer.”

If something you submit gets too big, too fast for over four hours, consult your physician immediately. 

Haven’t you ever wondered, what the hell happened your sophomore year?  Why did she really break up with me?  Why did I wake up naked in that a Tijuana jail?  Was that gladiatorial games reference on the back of that citation legit, or simply some cop’s bad handwriting?

Hi, I’m Mick Zano, and I don’t remember anything that happened in college.  I know many of the Discord contributors were there and lots of campus, local, and state police personnel.  But, after just six hours of reviewing What the Fuck Did I Do?, I understood a lot more about my shady past as well as my recurring nightmares.   As it turns out, I really can’t work in this field, and should resign now.  And, yes, it was gladiatorial games, by the way.

“I knew my husband was an asshole in college,” said Mrs. Zano.  “And now, after he shared the details of his sordid past from What the Fuck Did I Do?, I want him out of my life forever.”

Dave Atsals had this to say, “I realize I misjudged my probation officers.  After reading the file over a long weekend, well, I would’ve been a dick to me too.  You really can’t begin the healing process until you know what happened. And, now I know I’m a terrible, terrible, unredeemable soul, and I think I’m a better person for it.”

Hi, I’m Shagg, owner and founder of What the Fuck Did I Do?  I had to double my disk space and bandwidth when the Discord gang signed up for my services, but the peace of mind they now share is worth every penny.  And, remember, I’m not only the What the Fuck Did I Do? president, I’m also a client.