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Trump Stands By Decision To Gut Rail Safety Budget: “Who Takes The Fucking Train?”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Years Of Trump: Placed On Suicide Watch
by Mick Zano •
Punxsutawney, PA— Punxsutawney Phil is back in the news today and back on his medications. The famous Pennsylvania rodent is predicting six more years of Trump followed by a sharknado that will destroy civilization as we know it. Phil was recently diagnosed with a major depressive disorder with psychotic features, which may be playing a role in his darker than usual visions of the future. His vetritherapist claims the fluffy creature is still ‘with Hillary’ and remains a staunch liberal. This might explain Phil’s other dark predictions of an end to the UN, the FBI, the EPA, the FDA, the electoral college and parts of Rachel Maddow.
As Government Shutdown Looms, Look Who’s Smugger Now
by Mick Zano •
Discord Calling For Special Counsel To Investigate Pending Investigation Of Special Counsel Investigating The Russian Probe
by Mick Zano •
Turkeys Still Awaiting Pardon At Final Hour: Trump Insider Claims President May Need All Pardons For His Friends & Family
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Two turkeys, Ozzy & Harriet, are desperately awaiting word of the president’s overdue pardon. The National Pardoning Ceremony is a time honored tradition, but, thus far in his presidency, Donald Trump has ignored most customs and traditions. The turkeys are demanding the president keep his word and pardon the two before they become the guests of honor on the White House menu tomorrow. Friends of the turkeys are speaking out, “This is like winning the lottery, then you don’t get the money and then someone eats your ass. It’s really fucked up.”
After Ancestry.com Results White Supremacist Self-Deports
by Mick Zano •
Tucson, AZ—Philippe Gonzales received his results from Ancestry.com and he was “shocked” to discover he’s 80% Mexican. Despite being born in Mexico in a Mexican family, Mr. Gonzales has identified as a white Aryan supremacist for most of his life. He spends much of his time traveling between Walmart home and garden centers and white supremacist rallies. Yesterday, after much self-debate, he vowed to take matters into his own hands. Without a word to his family Mr. Gonzales wrestled himself into his Ford Bronco at gunpoint and drove himself to the Mexican border at gunpoint. Once there he forced himself over the wall and into Mexico with strict self-instructions never to return.
Great Again! Comet Totally Not Crashing Into Earth “Under These Political Conditions”
by Mick Zano •
Earth—The 411-Brakke asteroid is changing course at this hour after reportedly being “disgusted” with the political goings-on over at the third rock from the sun. As of yesterday the asteroid was on a collision course with our planet, but is now thinking the better of it. The Discord was able to land an exclusive interview with the asteroid, beating out both Rolling Stone Magazine and The Hubble Times. You may remember this cosmic rockbuster from such movies as Deep Impact and Armageddon.
Drug Czar To Stay On? Marino Vows To Crackdown On Drugs He’s Pushing
by Mick Zano •
Cogan Station, PA—Congressman Tom Marino (R-Pa) is back at the top of the list to become America’s next drug czar. Marino had stepped down from consideration, briefly, after allegations of accepting kickbacks from Big Pharma surfaced and concern rose that his signature legislation has helped funnel painkillers into rural America. Today, Marino vows to crackdown on opiod use across the country, while still accepting kickbacks from the same drug companies. “It’s win, win,” said Marino. “For me.”
After Barrage Of ‘Once In A Century’ Weather Events, Experts Predict Calm For Next Century
by Mick Zano •
Earth—Despite the higher number of extreme meteorological events in the early 21st century, the Meteorological Endeavor Statistical Society (MESS) has forecasted an unprecedented period of normal temperatures and glorious beach weather. If climate change is a hoax than at least one group of experts is forecasting many decades of a high-pressure system that will envelop the whole planet for a long time. This extended dry spell should balance out existing weather-induced model-patterns (WIMPs). Storm Dank of AchooWeather said, “It’s actually only 99 years of great weather, so if you’re born today you might want to plan your 100th birthday indoors somewhere.”