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Witnesses Place Hillary Clinton At Trump Tower Moments Before Deadly Blaze

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New York, NY—Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was spotted moments before a fire erupted on the 50th floor of the Trump Tower high-rise, killing one tenant and injuring five Russian spies. The NYC Fire Department said, “The fire was under control about 9:00 PM, which is more than I can say for our President, who spent the night tweeting through the hallways and insisting that no one turn on the building’s five sprinklers to avoid further water damage. The cause of the fire has been ruled ‘Benghazi-like’ and may have been caused by lasers mounted to the end of our former Secretary of State’s fingers.”

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller Spotted Leaving Gypsy Fortune Teller’s Shop

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Washington, DC—More Republicans are crying “foul” after a photo surfaced showing the Special Counsel, Robert Mueller, leaving a local fortune-teller’s shop on 43rd Street NW. The above photo of a shop, but not PhotoShopped, brings the credibility of the entire Russia-probe investigation into serious question. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, “Mueller really has a pair of crystal balls to attempt this shit. All year we’ve been trying to read the tea leaves only to find out that he’s actually reading the tea leaves. Does anyone have a quarter so we can ask Zoltar if Trump colluded with Russia? I.Am.Depressed.”

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NRA Declares Open Season On “Anymore Sponsors Who Bail!”

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The Heartland—The head of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre, sent a controversial tweet earlier today. He said, “Any other sponsors who abandon the 2nd Amendment will meet an AK-AOK response!” Many are calling this tweet a veiled threat …well, if you take out the ‘veiled’ part #AK-AOKwMe. For the time being, LaPierre’s efforts seem to have quelled any further fundular egress (that’s a word). A key sponsor, FedEx, responded to today’s tweet by saying, “We are cool with Mr. LaPierre’s recent comments on gun control, even the stupid parts.”

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Trump Offers Bonuses For Armed Teachers Through Innovative Death-Toll Point System

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Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is responding to the massive outcry to the recent Florida school shooting with a novel idea. Yes! He wants to write a book about it! Once he learns to read, of course. His other idea involves giving bonuses to armed teachers. Additional cash can be earned for both type of weapon as well as confirmed on-campus kill shots. There’s the potential for extra vacation time for 2nd Amendmenting any member of a minority, and double points will be rewarded for those also registered as a Democrat. With this small tweak to our nation’s educational system, The Donald hopes to enrich the lives of those involved with one of our most crucial occupations. He’s talking about the NRA’s executive management, of course.

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After SpaceX Car Stunt, Elon Musk Found Hitchhiking On Santa Monica Freeway

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Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”

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A Frustrated Schiff Resolves To Scrawl Unreleased Dem Counter-Memo On Capitol Bathroom Wall

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Washington—Congressman Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee is in hot water today after soap and hot water could not completely undo his recent permanent-marker handiwork. The rogue congressman allegedly leaked the Democratic rebuttal to the controversial Nunes-memo, in its entirety, in bathroom-graffiti form. President Trump, who recently vetoed the release of the memo, is reportedly furious with Schiff’s antics and vows to enact swift justice in the form of a barrage of admonishing presidential tweets #ForGetTheMemo.

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