Hey, gang, it’s not just Spygate that’s taking an invesitigatorial shit today, both Burisma and unmasking are also Benghaziing, as it were. Barr found no wrongdoing by Obama officials on unmasking, and per the latest Burisma report, courtesy of the republican senate, Hunter Biden’s appointment on the Ukrainian energy company during his father’s veep gig was “awkward” and “problematic,” yet it never influenced policy. Spygate didn’t net anything either, not in time to save Trump, so our republican friends went with their old standby, aka Make.Shit.Up. Actually, as it turns out, the Kremiln made this last shit up and the rightwing media just perpetuated more Russian propaganda. The latest garbage involves Brennan-gate, which is a lousy scandal even by the standard Pizza-gate rating system (PRS). For those still not following the main theme, during an opportunity to remove a dangerously incompetent president from office via the impeachment process, the republican side of congress chose instead to ask a bunch of fictional questions that Sean Hannity and QAnon came up with after sniffing the Sharpies Glenn Beck copped from the Oval Office.

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Tweet Tower—In an exclusive interview, a coronavirus spokesvirus sat down with that Two Ferns guy today to discuss his recent stint inside the President. “Yeah, it felt awful being inside The Donald,” said the virus. “I’ve never come across a more inhospitable host, period. We lost a lot of good viruses in there. The cause of death for most was a crushed spirit. I was in there for about 48-hours, but it felt like 48-years …the shit that guy eats could kill Al Bundy. Anyway, eventually I’m like, you know, I think I’m gonna go visit my aunt over in Hope Hicks. It was nice over there …like a tiptoe through the tulips comparatively. We’re thinking of getting a vacation home over there.”

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In true 2020 fashion, today in Texas brain-eating amoebas were discovered in the water supply. The good news? Devoid of any food source, they probably won’t survive long in a republican district. And Flint, Michigan residents still can’t drink their water, but it’s a buyer’s real estate market now, right? We just need Detroit to build bigger Rams to haul the water …from Canada. Maybe the Keystone pipeline can be used for water and oil? And maybe some Molson, eh? Talk about a trade hat trick. We just have to clear it with Trudeau …and Putin. Now that’s some fine can-do American thinking. And, heck, Puerto Rico just has to wait for the next category 5 to get their water sloshing right into their house! The new American Standard? Please don’t Moen at that joke. The city of Flint is saying the water is safe in their district, but this is view is not shared by the majority of its residents, which brings us to our next problem: republicans should not be tasked with anything related to public safety. The real story? Flint is no longer an outlier, but rather a sneak peek at our new normal. We are being poisoned at the same time republican leadership—the same group with a Nugentesque Stranglehold on our courts—is stripping us of our healthcare. Hey, but any proof that republicans can do two things at once is truly mind-blowing (deadly amoebas sold separately). Is it wrong to root for the single-celled organisms at this point? Somebody get me a microscope, I wonder if all those little red nubs on those coronaviruses are tiny MAGA hats.

[‘Yeast of our problems’ joke removed by a pair a ‘meciums.]

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After a long in-depth process, steeped in an esoteric wonkish mysticism, I read my tea leaves, summoned my magic, and tapped into this country’s ever-shifting political scheissgiest for the sole purpose of honing my theories and algorithms to become the very first to endorse the Biden/Harris combo, last May. Fine. I drank a beer and watched about twenty minutes of the first Democratic debate before I looked at my wife and said, “We’re screwed, put Ash vs The Evil Dead back on.” The next day I wrote that ‘dream ticket’ article and never watched another minute of those bullshit Dem-bates *cough*. Fine. Whereas that all happened, upon review I’d written that article a month earlier, based solely on the lengthy list of presidential hopefuls, who must have received their Bezos-shipped participation trophies by now. Thanks for playing. Hey, at least I nixed my first duo: Gillibrand/Hickenlooper. That’s a long bumper sticker.

[The Hardest Button To Button joke removed by the White Stripes]

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My republican friend and blogvesary is on a “strengthen your immunity system” kick, presumably to stay healthy during COVID long enough to vote for the Trumpocalypse. That’s like intentionally fasting on the lead up to a famine. A stronger immunity system is crucial, but it doesn’t replace a competent government and a more comprehensive universal healthcare system. Do you really think Guatemala could join the G7 if they just take their Flintstone chewables? Besides, there’s so much stacked against our kids today, including the bombardment of hundreds of toxins, in utero no less. Babies arrive with so much pollutants all the superfoods in Whole Foods couldn’t put Trumpty Dumpty back together again. Encouraging people to boost their immune system is never a bad idea, but to not understand the series of unfortunate republican-led events contributing to our nation’s health decline is suicidal. What are we going to do with you folks? In 2020 you’ve simply missed too many classes. It’s like walking through the front door of your Quantum Physics class while simultaneously riding out of the backdoor as a wave. Yeah, they’re not gonna get that either.

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The Nixon model was removed because it was unfair to old #37.

 

For the four of you still following this part of The Discord Spygate saga, welcome to another exciting chapter! Yeah, I’m totally unsupervised here on the ‘Cord, but stay tuned for the thrilling climax when I push my friend and blogvesary off the top floor of the Nakatomi Plaza. First, I’m really happy he’s back! At least part-time. The pays still the same, but I love this guy. Yes, I’m already annoying him. Hang in there, Pokey, because Joe Friday’s coming! Yes, the Friday Report will be following the Durham Report to uncover more Obama wrongdoing in the fiction section of your local Barnes & Ignoble. Same Barr time, same Barr channel. For a recap, my friend doesn’t like how the whole Spygate thing started. Sorry, there’s no skip recap button. I’m working on it. I will admit the litany of FBI screwups on the surveillance of a sitting president, unintentional or otherwise, is stunning. My friend is finally coming around to his main point, namely, how wrongdoing begins and ends with Barack Hussien Obama. Why? Because he thinks there are too many mistakes to be a coincidence. Normally I’d agree, but have you tried to make some transactions lately or do something slightly complicated in what’s left of our country? Things were listing to port for many many years, but throw in some Drumpf and his cronies and—

[Michael Flynn-effect joke commuted, pardoned, and dismissed by the DOJ.]

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Happy codependence day! Yes, in 2020 we all have an unhealthy and abusive relationship with our country. While some of us are active enablers of encroaching authoritarianism, still others are trying to call 911 from their Seattle CHOP-zones. Neither makes a ton of sense, but what I want to know is this: how have those among us actively supporting tyrants been awarded a monopoly on patriotism? Is the problem really the folks tearing down monuments or the ones tearing down our institutions? I am patriotic, at least I tend to be when competent people are running our country, but a blind allegiance to any country is not nationalism, it’s dangerous. My friend and blogvesary touted his love of country over this independence weekend on FB, which immediately casts all the progressives in the comment thread as unpatriotic. This is interesting when, at least politically, my friend’s views are like if Neville Chamberlain had his spine and balls removed before being placed on a Soma Quualude IV drip. Supporting the worst president in this country’s history, a man who’s actively flexing his autocratic muscles, is not patriotism. Actively contributing to America’s decline via rallies, Mt. Rushmore, or megachurch gatherings does not represent patriotism in any way shape or forum. And my friend’s message of love is really a cover for an endless rightwing enabling campaign, marked by blind spots, cognitive distortions, biases, and an almost fanatical devotion to the dope.

[Spanish Inquisition joke removed and used as a playbook by the DOJ.]

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Tweet Tower—President Trump has changed his position multiple times on whether or not he was briefed on Russian bounties being placed on the heads of US military troops in Afghanistan. Initially, Trump denied ever receiving the intelligence, then he admitted he had but that they were “not read to him out loud.” Yesterday, his story changed yet again to, “I received the briefing, but only read some of the words.” Today the president added, “When they said Bounty I was thinking about the quicker-picker-upper and my AWESOME paper towel chucking in Peurto Rica after Hurricane Maria.” Criticism of the president’s failure to read the intelligence briefing in its entirety prompted the president to address the issue, complete with visual aids, from the oval office. “I change my briefs every day, and I had them labeled so I am always using the right brief for the right day. The rest is a HOAX started by the liberal media!!”

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Tweet Tower—Rock legend, Mick Jagger, is being held without bail in the bowels of Tweet Tower and his bandmate, Keith Richards, is wanted for questioning after eluding police by jumping a fence and scaling the side of a six-story building. Amidst a DOJ investigation into the origins surrounding the FBI’s Trump-Russia probe, also known as Crossfire Hurricane, the Rolling Stones were named as Individuals 1-4 for coining that phrase in the early seventies. The President has used this fact to detain the rock legends while crafting an executive order to rob them of the rights to their own songs for upcoming Trump rallies.

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