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Not Over? Kasich Determined To Take Final Concession Speech All The Way To The Convention

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Columbus, OH—The Governor of Ohio, John Kasich, still plans to suspend his campaign, but he promises to deliver a second and final concession speech that “will last all the way until the convention in July.” Senator Kasich told the press today, “This isn’t officially over until I say it is. And my plan is to take a long, long time to say that.”

Critics were quick to condemn the maneuver as a political stunt, but Kasich was quick to respond, “The convention is being held in Ohio and I am from Ohio. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I could be there, in like, an hour easy. Look, I prayed to Ted Cruz’s God and I am convinced there is some kind of divine intervention convention thingie occurring here #NeverTrump.”

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The Pursuit of Happiness: You’re Doing It Wrong

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fireworkdsMLConservatives are quick to quote the Constitution and complain how the left is always out to destroy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness …well, at least liberals can multitask. Kidding! Republicans have shown an aptitude for starting and losing multiple conflicts simultaneously. Does anyone else find it odd how conservative-types only seem content when they’re gutting our liberties in the name of freedom? Or, how they seem to have just a little ISIS in ’em when dealing with restroom transgender issues? So let’s kick the tires, look under the hood, and find out why our Republican friends keep trying to sell us such a liberty lemon. How about we start with some happiness indexes, because they always depress me.

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Angus Young Finally Graduates High School: He’s Being Asked To Return His School Uniform

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BBrXSHaSydney, AU—The lead guitarist for the popular Australian rock band AC/DC, Angus Young, is back in the news today. The rock legend is finally receiving his high school diploma from Ashfield Boys High School Academy in Sydney, Australia. Young has attended the school on and off since 1976 and has now met all of his high school equivalency credits. The snafu with this achievement came in the form of a letter from the headmaster, demanding Angus return his official high school uniform by the end of the school day.

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Comprehensive Immigration Reform For Demies

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trumptoonAs our nation’s orthodox consciousness becomes corroded by Progressivism, words lose their meaning. Most Republicans are also falling into this senselessness. One perfect example is immigration reform. Democrats tell us that our immigration is “broken,” and therefore we need “comprehensive immigration reform.” On the surface, there’s some truth in that. Look Zano, I don’t disagree with your view of the state of our politics, my concern is in our ability to meaningfully engage on issues of concern. You are to “meaningful political discourse” as The Ghetto Shaman is to spiritual enlightenment. Bloghisattva?

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ISIS Claims Responsibility For Alternate Street Parking

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MIDEAST ISRAEL PALESTINIANS

Syria—The leader of ISIS, who wished to remain locationless, is claiming responsibility for what many in urban areas are calling “a major pain in the ass.” Alternate Street Parking remains a huge inconvenience for urban drivers, who risk fines or towing if they mistakenly park their car on the wrong side of the street overnight. Whereas Jihadists groups are claiming responsibility for this urban-fine-accruing-tactic (UFAT), many radicals groups are falling short of supporting downtown two-hour parking mandates and other meter-maid activities. “We may be jihadists, but we’re not complete assholes,” said local radical, Jihadi Jackson.

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An Open Letter to Senator Pat Toomey: The Constitution… You’re Doing It Wrong

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Pat Toomey Ad

Dear Mr. Toomey:

Can I call you Pat? Hey Pat, please stop that ad campaign during which you attempt to justify and seek approval for your abandonment of the U. S. Constitution. I’m tired of you telling me how it’s my choice as to who fills in the vacant Supreme Court seat. Personally, I would pick Brian Griffin from Family Guy. That’s why it’s not my, nor the American peoples’ choice. It is the choice of the guy the majority of the country duly elected to the Oval Office (twice). It is the sole decision of the Presidents Of The United States of America. I’m talking about Obama, not that band from the 90s. Millions of ImPeaches?

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Hadron Collider Finds Evidence Of Benghazite: A Fictional Particle That Comprises Right Wing Scandals

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batshitatom

Newark, NJ—Scientists believe they have discovered evidence of the delusional particle responsible for a long list of misunderstood political scandals. Currently many false political narratives are only visible to republicans under the influence of AM radio or Fox News. Physicists at Newark’s Large Propaganda Taxsinkrotron collided a particle of feces with a particle of Newtrino. Physicist, Dr. Ramenoodledan, explains, “We obtained the feces from AM radio host Rush Limbaugh’s mouth and the Newtrino from one of Newt Gingrich’s x-wives. Upon smashing these two atoms together at near light speed, we believe we have discovered the building blocks of the Republican mythos.” The particle is being hailed as a major breakthrough in political low-energy physics. Jeb Bush was unavailable for comment.

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You Claim I Keep Ignoring Your Points, Pokey, Which Assumes You Have Some

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constitutionzanonMLI’m not ignoring you, Pokey, you’re thinking of women. Booyah! Actually, I just don’t want to address the same issues more than an OCD stutterer with amnesia. I admit our society is growing a bit tone deaf these days, which is why I spend so much time discussing the cognitive distortions at play. In part, this is why I was forced to endorse Hillary Clinton. Despite some poll shifts, I still feel she’s more electable than Bernie. The main reason, you ask? The right wing’s attacks on her have become background noise. They exist a few frequencies higher than the sentient human ear can register. Although, I do admit I like to shout “Benghazi!” out my back window just to hear the inevitable barking.

Meanwhile, the “Bernie is a socialist” attacks will resonate with independents. These attacks won’t have any relevance, outside of the 1940s, but it’s not about merit anymore, is it? I am going to answer ALL of the questions from your last post, Pokey, line by punch-line. More importantly, it will read like Blazing Saddles meets The Pythonian Grail, because first and foremost this is a comedy site! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-uh.

“I can’t do this again, Pokey. The only real deficit is your understanding of history. How about a comprise on this one? Let’s shrink Rush Limbaugh to a size we can drown him in a bathtub?”

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