Kidding, Trump only speaks pig, not Pig Latin.
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Large Shipment Of Artificial Trump-Credibility Seized Only Five Miles From Mouth Of Potomac
by Mick Zano •
Chesapeake Bay—A Russian freighter, the Любовь Путин, was seized by Coast Guard personnel earlier today in the Chesapeake Bay. The ship, which hailed from Moscow, was reportedly full of artificial credibility ranging from supportive fake news, to Trump achievement ribbons, to trophies that say ‘Everybody Gets a Trumpy!’ Many are concerned this only increases the perception and likelihood of pre-election collusion between President Trump and the Kremlin.
February Downgraded to Monthatoid
by Mick Zano •
Scientist To Clone Just Enough Dinosaur Meat To Put In Taco
by Mick Zano •
Taos, NM—Paleoproctologist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube is back in the news today. The controversial scholar has announced his intention to create a facility off the coast of South America for the purpose of cloning dinosaur tissue. Dr. Hogbein told the press he plans to “bring taco Tuesday up a notch.” Critics of the proposal are concerned about a Jurassic Park-style incident occurring at the facility. Dr. Hogbein has since downplayed the possibility of this scenario. “What part of cloning ‘just enough dinosaur meat to put in taco’ do you no comprende?” said Dr. Hogbein. “So you think some ground chuckosaursus may end up roaming around my island? Or maybe a pterotacosaur is going to flap over to the mainland to start a taco-breeding population? This is about eating them, people, with shredded cheddar and some salsa.”
CIA Warns Trump About Disparaging The Intelligence Community: “Remember What We Did To Kennedy”
by Mick Zano •
CIA Headquarters—CIA director John Brennan took offense to Trump’s recent comment comparing the U.S. intelligence community to Nazi Germany. He warned the President-elect, “The CIA is not going to put up with your bullshit, mister. Someone had the same little chat with JFK.” He then called the recent disparaging remarks aimed at the intelligence community as “bigly dumb” and “wanktankerous”. The CIA Director then later admitted he made up the last word at a bar, during happy hour, at his favorite pub. Once sober, Brennan told the press his comments were still appropriate and later added, “Even the wanktankerous part.”
A Doddering Biden Accidentally Reveals Executive Branch Puppets To Alien Overlords
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Vice President Joe Biden spilled the beans earlier today on a galactic scale. UFOlogists have waited a long time for the government’s full extraterrestrial disclosure. What happened today was both validating and terrifying for UFO enthusiasts across the globe. A reporter from The Daily Discord asked the Vice President, “If our system of checks and balances do fail under Trump, is there any stopping him?” Biden responded, “Look, if Trump screws up bad enough I have no doubt that the Galacian High Council will intervene, with ray guns and shit.”
Ghosts Of Our Founding Fathers Embark For England
by Mick Zano •
Plymouth, MA—Much to the relief of our Founding Fathers, the ghost of King George III has graciously accepted their spirits back into the bosom of mother England. The group hopes to reach the Cardiff shipyards before the inauguration of Donald J. Trump on January 19th. The group’s initial request for soul citizenship in 2004 was denied, but now the ghost of King George has had a change of heart. The King released a statement today. “Having those sniveling upstarts come crawling back kind of eases the blow of the whole Brexit thing. We’re going to make them haunt the Duchess of York, and that British wanker in charge of the Deepwater Horizon.”
Trump Insiders Admit To Only Thing Scheduled ‘On Day One’: Treasure Baaaaaath!
by Mick Zano •
The agenda for day two involves peasant skeet shooting.
Ohio Elector Cornered In Toledo Starbucks
by Mick Zano •
Toledo, OH—One of the designated electors for Ohio is currently trapped in a Starbucks, near the laptop bar. Tensions are mounting over Monday’s electoral college vote and nowhere is this tension more palpable than in Toledo. Jesse Smith was enjoying her triple grande salted carmel mocha at her local Starbucks when someone shouted, “Hey, she’s one of the Ohio electors for the electoral high school!” A second patron then shouted, “No, she’s one of the Ohio electors for the electoral college!” Within minutes Trump hate signs were hoisted, the crowd surrounded Mrs. Smith, and she was unable to reach the much-needed straw and napkin area.
