Sesame Street—Sesame Street is under siege at this hour amidst a sequence of events witnesses are calling “better than that Seagal movie of the same name.” President Trump is apparently directing his recent frustrations toward the home turf of the late great Jim Henson. Soon after the president announced his intentions to defund PBS, a Muppets RESIST movement was born. Since March several of Henson’s creations have been arrested and detained for acts unbecoming of a puppet. Today a military sweep of the Muppet home world has resulted in five arrests, countless citations, and a possible Gonzo movie deal. Shortly before the raid a witness claims the president asked a pedestrian, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No really, I want to fuck some of those fuzzy little shits up.”
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As Trump Implodes I Would Like To Take A Moment To Remember The Brain Trusts Who Made Trump Possible
by Mick Zano •
As Trump flares and burns across the night sky like a shooting star with too much beta-carotene, Fox News recently tweeted this gem. Last week, instead of covering the news, they got tens of thousands of people to retweet something that should be an embarrassment to their brand. Granted, finding Republican accomplishments is fast becoming Bigfoot rare, but this is absurd even by Fox News ‘standards’. Look at that above image again …take as long as you need. Sure Bush and Trump inherited strong economies—operative word ‘inherited’. Simply put, history will grade Obama and Clinton’s economic prowess and accomplishments light-years ahead of Dubya and Trump’s. So you can shove the rest of your 24/7 anecdotal drivel up Hannity’s America (Mick drop).
Did Muppets RESIST Stunt Go Too Far? Statler Arrested, Waldorf In ICU
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—With the country still reeling from Animal and Crazy Harry’s attempt to blow up the White House, Muppet legends Statler and Waldorf attempted a grey-hair-brained scheme of their own. Taking advantage of the chaotic aftermath of Comey’s departure and what Statler referred to as “an obvious lapse in security”, the pair went all Dickens on Trump’s ass. The Muppets gained access to the White House under the false pretenses that they were actually Russian spies. Once inside the two allegedly ducked into a custodial closet, donned some chains and rags, and then entered the presidential bedroom, which Trump has since renamed the Mount Melanie Sweet. The President insists it’s a pun.
Calling Conservatives ‘Deplorables’ Is Deeply Unpopular, So How About ‘Unreachables’?
by Mick Zano •
Apparently the term ‘Deplorables’ is not wildly popular amongst those deplorable people among us, so how about the ‘Unreachables’ or the ‘Irredeemables’? Or maybe we should channel some Vizzini and go with the ‘Inconceivables’? Our president enjoys historically bad early approval ratings and he’s flip flopped on almost every major campaign promise, yet only an astounding 2% of Trump supporters show any buyer’s remorse whatsoever. It reminds me of when Dubya left office, still holding a 70% approval rating in Kansas. Bad Economies Matter? Today our economic growth is slowing, our healthcare system is exploding, and WWIII is looming large (all way ahead of Trump’s golf schedule). Keep your guns, peeps, but you may not be able to afford the bullets soon. Silencer of the Lames?
Trump Claims Millions Of Illegals Who Voted For Hillary Flew To France To Tip Scales For Macron
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In a presidential tweet many are calling ‘dumb’ and ‘stupid’, President Donald Trump conveyed his concerns that the same people who cost him the popular vote in the U.S. where recently flown abroad by George Soros to keep France from Frexiting. Donald Trump also tweeted why he is particularly sad, because “the word Frexit had a nice ring to it.”
Pope Summons Kandarian Demons From ‘Evil Dead’ To Combat Trump
by Mick Zano •
Rome—Today the Pope, who usually tends to pooh pooh the intentional summoning of demons, unveiled his controversial plans to take down President Trump with an ancient evil. The Pope apparently stumbled upon the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in the Vatican while “poking around the basement.” Many fear that since discovering the book, The Pope has become obsessed with it. “It’s a good read,” said the Pope. “The Kandarian Demons and their Deadite minions really out did themselves on this one. The book also makes reference to a Kandarian Dagger, but the basement in the Vatican is an impossible mess. Maybe if we had a garage sale or something.”
Muppet World Rocked By Crazy Harry and Animal’s Failed Attempt To Blow Up White House
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—The Muppets Resist movement entered an even darker chapter today after beloved characters, Crazy Harry and Animal, were arrested for hatching a Guy Fawksian-style plot to blow up the White House. Rockville police report the two were arrested without incident in a sock drawer outside of Glenn Hills, Maryland. Many in the intelligence community fear the pair were not working alone and may simply be “low-level Muppet operatives.” FBI director James Comey is refusing to comment, as the investigation is ongoing, but Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is asking what the rest of the world is already thinking, “What did Kermit know, and when did he know it?”
Trump Turns The Tables On Psychotic Symptoms: Voices Trapped In Trump’s Head “Want Out!”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump has apparently taken charge of his own consciousness. The “voices” plaguing the president for many years have finally bowed to his will. Channeling Rorschach from the Watchmen, Trump told his voices, “I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in here WITH MEEEE! Bigly!” The voices are now reportedly “freaking out” and are requesting the president start some anti-psychotic medications to “give us a break from the incessant idiocy.” White House officials are denying claims that at least one of the voices in the president’s head is now on suicide watch.
Military Assures The President All Options Are On The Table
by Mick Zano •
The military is insisting President Trump learn where a country is on the map before implementing the squirting tie.
The Collusion Delusion: From Russia With Lube?
by Mick Zano •
There are two conflicting themes within this Trump/Russia collusion scandal: 1. Liberals across the land are banking on this investigation ending the reign of President Ass-Clown Hitler, and 2. There’s a ton of smoke, yet no functional smoke detectors in the greater DC area. Check out Sam Harris’s podcast wherein Anne Applebaum equates both Putin and Trump’s tactics to “polluting the information space.” The turd is out there? The truth is becoming ever more subjective these days and, if you’re a Republican, this whole truthiness to murkiness shift is paying off. Nonstop lying apparently comes with a super majority. And if you act now you can get two Supreme Court Judges! It is very odd to me how so many Republican folks are disinterested in the whole Trump-should-probably-hang thing. They want us to stop harassing the president and just let Trump govern. What?! Are you crazy? Oh, right. I have an idea, how about the party of Nixon, Dubya and Trump refrain from commenting for a few election cycles? Dope springs eternal.