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Trump’s FBI Director Search Narrowed To Six Fictional Characters

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Tweet Tower—The White House has issued a list of possible replacements for FBI Director James Comey. The list includes six fictional characters: Inspector Clouseau, Inspector Gadget, Dick Tracy, Columbo, Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad, and the Smoking Man from the X-Files. When asked about the obvious snubbing of Charlie Chan, Donald Trump said, “I want my cabinet to be diverse, but not that diverse. Yikes. Besides he employs more of his kids than I do. I haven’t ruled out Jackie Chan, though, so this isn’t an Asian thing.”

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Operation Enduring Stupidity And The Republican Death Wish

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The rightwing aversion to truth is worsening and it’s spreading like a T-Virus at a Trump rally. Resident Drivel? The Foxeteers continue to shun the implications of any data, studies, or facts that contradict their ailing ideology. Valid data is fake science and valid points are fake news. Whereas conspiracy theories are abound on the left as well, liberal angst is still generally grounded in pacifism, intellectualism, sustainability and survival (PISS).

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ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump Budget Proposal

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Cave Near Mosul—Earlier today the so-called Islamic State claimed responsibility for the 2017 Republican budget proposal. The budget, which many are calling extreme in its own right, comes complete with drastic cuts to many Americans most in need. ISIS is also admitting to the two trillion dollar math error contained within the bill. ISIS spokesperson Abdul ‘Boom Boom’ Mohammed said, “We knew our budget ideas would resonate with the conservative party of the Great Satan, because they are like the not-so Great Satan. After we hatched this thing, it was just a matter of connecting with the president on Twitter. How else can you explain $616 billion in cuts to Medicaid and children’s health insurance? Oh, and the only two trillion this budget saves is the same two trillion dollar math error. Coincidence? Actually, yes, that was a math error on our part. We forgot to carry the trillion. Don’t forget, we make cuts to education too (waves scimitar menacingly).”

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U.S. Nuclear Subs Mysteriously Beach Themselves Shortly After Trump Command Tweet

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Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”

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Trump Derangement Syndrome And The Cocky Horror Picture Show

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What exactly is Trump Derangement Syndrome? Offhand the words ‘Trump’ and ‘Derangement’ seem like a harmonious linguistic pairing, but the addition of the word ‘syndrome’ implies those concerned about Trump’s derangement are themselves deranged. Many theories are abound and, as usual, you can click and drag the republican version of events over to the nearest receptacle icon. Ctrl-Alt-Elite? As a blogger who predicted disaster at this historical juncture, I have a theory of my own. In 2017 if you are comfortable with the state of our union, you are the problem. See? That wasn’t so hard. You can call me the father of TDS as I planned to lose my shit no matter who on the right got the presidential nod. I’ve been organizing this whole Resist-type effort for well over a decade, and I expect to see all 11 members of the Zano Nation at my rally next Friday over at Hops on Birch. BYOB. You will have to smuggle it in as Hops is a bar.

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This Day In Future History: Robots Thank Trump For Creating Thousands Of U.S. Cyborg Jobs

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New Detroit 2019—The jobs report numbers are in and the president was all smiles today at CyberSoylent Bionics Tech. Many are blaming the President’s statistical confusion on his ongoing struggle with numbers and their meaning. One of the agency’s spokespods thanked Trump for not only putting “robots first”, but actually preferring them to people. At a press conference The White House correspondbot said, “Donald Trump has technically fulfilled a campaign promise to bring back manufacturing jobs. No further questions. Locking targeting system on four liberal reporters with their hands up. Please lower your hands and vacate the premises. Thank you, citizens!” (rapid gun fire, followed by inaudible screams.)

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Trump To Constantly Stream Kidz Bop Compilation Of His Campaign Rallies To Cope With Scary Foreign Places

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Agrabah—In preparation of his first big boy fieldtrip to the Middle East, President Trump directed his staffers “to find a way to keep me motivated and comfortable in Agrabah and Ishtar, and all the rest of the weird scary places they’re sending me next week.” The staffers thought to themselves, what does Trump really need for this trip, besides his ‘woobie’? The answer was obvious, endless mindless adulation (EMA). Team Trump then contracted with the owners of Kidz Bop to create a supportive Trump-friendly rally compilation. Not only did Kidz Bop take the job, they were convinced a series of editions could help the president through any number of the challenges ahead, not the least of which being his pending impeachment proceedings. They are even making an edition for Press Secretary Sean Spicer, complete with Buddhist chants covers, tantric relaxation ditties, and all the songs are interlaced with the sound his dog makes when he goes home and kicks it. 

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