People are breaking wind in a big way these days.  Wind breaking for energy means big bucks.  Some analysts estimate $20,000 per back acre a year in royalties (if you can convince your neighbors to put up with the unpleasantries).  Beyond that, you can rent portions of your back acreage to others, allowing them to break wind as well, and substantially increase your earnings.

Some say we’re missing a key market sector in the U.S. by ignoring our ability to break wind. “U.S. wind should be way passed gas,” stated entrepreneur Gus T. Breece at a recent energy conference.  “Germany and Spain have developed their wind way beyond our current capacity, and they don’t have nearly as much wind as we do.  Americans are the windiest,” continued Breece. “I do not know if it’s our fast-food diets, all the high-fructose corn syrup, or Rush Limbaugh, but we definitely have more wind than any other country.”

Wind to energy is an increasingly viable option for this country.  The central part of the United States has a strong wind corridor that goes from Pampa, Texas, to the Canadian border. In addition, it is the best location from a security and safety standpoint.  The chart below shows the highest potentials for breaking wind in the U.S.

Estimates of the wind resource are expressed in wind power classes ranging from class 1 to class 7, with each class representing a range of mean wind power density or equivalent mean speed at specified heights above the ground. Areas designated class 4 or greater are suitable with advanced wind turbine technology under development today. Power class 3 areas may be suitable for future technology. Class 2 areas are marginal and class 1 areas are unsuitable for wind energy development. Source: USDOE.

 Breaking wind is catching on.  Just this month alone there were wind breaking ceremonies held at over 150 new turbine sites.  A leading spokesman, Sully Haines, from the Fanular Air Rotating Turbine Co. (or F.A.R.T), states “these events bring many people together to celebrate the breaking of wind.”

 “I broke wind in 25 states last year,” said Breece.  “I like to break wind in some of the more remote areas of the country because my wind breaking is generally a larger undertaking than is advisable in more populated areas.”

 Wind breaking is not without its’ shitfalls, however: “We had a real tragedy at one of our wind breaking sites last fall,” sharted Breece.  “It was such a large wind breaking event that over a dozen bald eagles were reportedly killed outright.”  Birds are apparently very susceptible; they can be knocked right out of the sky.  “It’s almost like one of those Biblical stories,” continued Breece. “You know, where birds just drop dead in mid-flight, and end up turning into pillars of salt in burning bushes or something.”

 Wind power is clean, renewable, and abundant.  Currently, just under 1% of all of our electrical power is wind generated (Source: DOE).  By the year 2030, the DOE projects that almost 20% of the U.S. electrical demand will be supplied by wind.  Harnessing all of the potential wind energy in the U.S. with today’s turbine technology would produce over 150% of the total U.S. electrical demand.  As wind technology advances, that potential capacity can only increase.

 So let’s decrease our dependence on foreign oil, people. So let’s get out there and break some wind today.

In 1999 an outbreak of disease previously unknown to North America was identified in New York—the West Nile Virus. You may have since heard of it. In 2001, the anthrax attacks on the U.S. utilized a pure (or even weaponized) form of the bacterium that many experts agree could have only been manufactured under tight laboratory conditions at an expense only possible in a state-sponsored program (as opposed to Bin Laden’s cave-sponsored programs). In 2004, an outbreak of a potentially pandemic viral disease appeared in China before achieving a high fatality rate around the globe (not related to their food industry prowess).

Is it possible that these two viral outbreaks and the anthrax attacks were sponsored by foreign government’s bio-warfare research programs? Is there a relationship between these two outbreaks and the anthrax attacks? Are these incidents perhaps bio-warfare ‘research’ studies? Are these geocentralized pragmatic infections establishing a new paradigm in disease propagation? Hmmmm.

West Nile Virus

In recent years, West Nile virus (WNV) has emerged in temperate regions of Europe and North America, and presents a threat to public and animal health. The most serious manifestation of WNV infection is fatal encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) in humans and horses, as well as mortality in certain domestic and wild birds. WNV has also caused human illness in the US in recent years (Source: CDC).

WNV was first isolated from a febrile adult woman in the West Nile District of Uganda in 1937 (West Nile Nancy). The ecology was characterized in Egypt during the 1950s. The virus was recognized as a cause of severe human meningitis or encephalitis in elderly patients during an outbreak in Israel in 1957 (West Nile Nitza). Equine disease was first noted in Egypt and France in the early 1960s, and by the 1970s it started to effect horses (West Nile Nelly). WNV first appeared in North America in 1999, with encephalitis reported in humans, horses, and a centaur named Bernie. The subsequent spread in the United States is an important milestone in the evolving history of this virus.

WNV has surfaced in Africa, Europe, the Middle East, west and central Asia, Oceania (subtype Kunjin), and most recently, North America. (Source: CDC).

Outbreaks of WNV encephalitis in humans have recently occurred in Algeria in 1994, Romania in 1996-1997, the Czech Republic in 1997, the Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1998, Russia in 1999, the United States in 1999-2003, and Israel in 2000. Epizootics of disease in horses occurred in Morocco in 1996, Italy in 1998, the United States in 1999-2001, and France in 2000, and in birds in Israel in 1997-2001 and in the United States in 1999-2002. (Source: CDC).

In the U.S. since 1999, WNV human, bird, veterinary or mosquito activity have been reported from all states except Hawaii, Alaska, and Oregon. (Source: CDC; see Figure 1 and Figure 2).

H5N1 – “Bird Flu”

Influenza A virus subtype H5N1, also known as A(H5N1) or simply H5N1 (you sunk my battle ship), is a subtype of the Influenza. It is a virus that can cause illness in humans and many other animal species. A bird-adapted strain of H5N1, called HPAI A(H5N1) for "highly pathogenic avian influenza virus of type A of subtype H5N1,” is the causative agent of H5N1 flu, commonly known as "avian influenza" or "bird flu".

The first known strain of H5N1 (called A/chicken/Scotland/59) killed two flocks of chickens in Scotland in 1959, before it was cornered in a windmill by a pitchfork and torch wielding mob, where it was eventually burned; but that strain was very different from the current highly pathogenic strain of H5N1. The current dominant strain of H5N1 evolved between 1999 and 2002 creating the Z genotype. It has also been called "Asian lineage HPAI A (H5N1)". Donated to Tyson foods by the Bin Laden Food Corp (Not a joke!).

H5N1 is easily transmissible between birds, facilitating a potential global spread of H5N1 (see Figure 3). While H5N1 undergoes mutation and re-assortment, creating variations which can infect species not previously known to carry the virus, not all of these variant forms can infect humans. H5N1 as an avian virus preferentially binds to a type of galactose receptors that populate the avian respiratory tract from the nose to the lungs and are virtually absent in humans.

H5N1 is mainly spread by domestic poultry, both through the movements of infected birds and poultry products and through the use of infected poultry manure as fertilizer or feed (Ieatbirdpoopo.com). Humans with H5N1 have typically caught it from chickens, which were in turn infected by other poultry or waterfowl. Migrating waterfowl (wild ducks, geese and swans) carry H5N1, often without becoming sick. Many species of birds and mammals can be infected with HPAI A(H5N1), but the role of animals other than poultry and waterfowl as disease-spreading hosts is unknown.

Anthrax

Anthrax is an acute disease in humans and animals that is caused by the bacterium Bacillus anthracis. It is highly lethal in some forms. Anthrax is one of only a few bacteria that can form long-lived spores. When the bacteria’s life cycle is threatened by factors such as lack of food caused by their host dying or by a change of temperature, the bacteria turn themselves into more or less dormant spores to wait for another host to continue their life cycle, or for another Star Trek episode.

Anthrax can enter the human body through the intestines (ingestion), lungs (inhalation), or skin (cutaneous) and causes distinct clinical symptoms based on its site of entry. Inhalation anthrax, if left untreated until obvious symptoms occur, will usually result in death, as treatment will have started too late.

Theoretically, cultivating anthrax spores can be done with minimal special equipment and a first-year collegiate microbiological education. It wasn’t me, honest! To make an aerosol form of anthrax suitable for biological warfare requires extensive practical knowledge, training and highly advanced equipment (I’m talking to you, makers of the Jack LaLanne Juicer!).

Concentrated anthrax spore containing postal letters were used for bioterrorism in the 2001 anthrax attacks in the US, killing five people and infecting 17 others. Only a few grams of material were used in these attacks and it is unknown if this material was produced by a single individual or by a state sponsored bio-weapons program. The crime remains unsolved. But where exactly was Jack LaLanne?

Other things that make you go “Hmmmm.”

WNV ecology was characterized in Egypt in the 1950’s; meaning, Egypt was researching the virus at that time. The 1956 Israel initiated the Arab-Israeli War on October 29, 1956, and a cease fire was eventually signed on November 6, 1956. Israel withdrew from key points in the Sinai Peninsula in 1957. The first WNV outbreak involving severe meningitis or encephalitis occurred in Israel in 1957 (Remember West Nile Nitza?).

WNV first appeared in the U.S. in 1999. The U.S. Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi , Kenya were bombed in August, 1998. The U.S.S. Cole was bombed in Aden, Yemen in October 2000. Hmmmm.

WNV first appeared in the U.S. in New York City. The WNV strain in NYC seemed to be unusually virulent, resulting in meningitis or encephalitis and caused 12 fatalities. NYC was the primary target in the 1993 terrorist attack on the U.S. (WTC bombing) and I hear something vaguely related may have happened in NYC in September of 2001. Hmmmm.

The 1999 US virus was very closely related to a lineage 1 strain found in Israel in 1998. Hmmmm.

WNV is only transmitted through mosquito vectors, which bite and infect birds/mammals/humans. Not the sort of thing a mildly ill passenger on an airplane (e.g., traveling from Israel to the U.S.) would easily spread to other passengers. Yes, yes, I remember, I had the lasagna. Hmmmm.

WNV has three different effects on humans. The first is an asymptomatic infection; the second is a mild febrile syndrome termed West Nile Fever; the third is a neuron-invasive disease termed West Nile meningitis or encephalitis. In infected individuals, the ratio between the three states is roughly 110:30:1 for naturally occurring WNV. Mortality occurs in less than 1% of these clinical cases. In 1999 in NY, outbreak surveillance identified 59 patients who were hospitalized with WNV. 63% of those patients had clinical signs of encephalitis and seven patients died (12 percent). Communicable Disease Program, New York City Department of Health, New York 10013, USA. Hmmmm.

In 1985, the U.S. delivered 5 shipments of biological material to Iraq as part of a program to provide aid to Iraq during the Iran-Iraq war. Those shipments included engineered strains of anthrax, West Nile virus, and other pathogens along with the equipment and expertise to manufacture and continue research on these organisms and delivery methods. (CDC) Hmmmm.

In the 1990’s, while under intense scrutiny from the U.N., Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein bragged to Arab leaders that he had “his final weapon, developed in laboratories outside Iraq.” There were several independent intelligence reports at that time that indicated that Iraq was sponsoring a biological weapons program outside of Iraq in order to avoid U.N. scrutiny. During that same period, Iraqi scientists and technology were frequently traveling between Cuba and Iraq. Hmmmm.

There have been many scientific reports documenting serological evidence that WNV, in various forms, is present in Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Florida Keys. It is considered highly unusual that these differing strains would be present in the Western Hemisphere unless there is some periodic re-infection. Hmmmm.

The Chinese government was one of the first signatories to the Biological and Toxic Weapons Convention in 1972. China has repeatedly denied an offensive biological weapons program since that time. However, Soviet Union weapons experts have reported the known existence of a biological weapons facility located in a remote region of China in the 1980s. Coincidentally, in that very same region of China during that time, there were two separate documented outbreaks of viral hemorrhagic fever; a rare and deadly disease typically caused by a viral pathogen. Hmmmm.

The very same technologies and methodologies necessary to manufacture and prepare viral hemorrhagic fever pathogens can also be used to manufacture and prepare other viral infections, such as H5N1. Hmmmm.

Review the information below and pleasant dreams:

Figure 1. The Spread of West Nile Virus in the U.S. – 1999 to 2007
1999	2000
2001	2002
2003	2004
2005	2006
2007

Figure 2. 2000 WNV Case Map for New York.

Figure 3. H5N1 Case World Map.

The French and Swiss governments unveiled a new weapon of mass destruction costing in excess of nine billion dollars. This weapon, the most terrible and destructive force ever conceived by man, will soon swallow the Earth in a man-made black hole. Those of the mind that France is already a stinking black hole will not be entirely surprised by this development.

This massive superweapon has been developed with the financial aid of the European Union and the United States under the name “Large Hadron Collidor” (with the spiffy – yet fairly unimaginative – abbreviation of LHC). This supposed physics experiment is designed to find the Higgs Boson particle and to study high energies like those present during the Big Bang. Higgs Boson? Nine billion…to look for something that sounds like it hails from Hazzard County? Ge-ge-ge, I’m going to get those Higg Bosons ge-ge-ge.

It has been said that results of experiments using the LHC could prove Superstring, Grand Unified, or the Hawking Wet Dream (HWD), theory.

What is it?

The Large Hadron Collidor is a giant machine located on the border of France and Switzerland. The LHC consists of a 27 km circular “tube” at the European physics research facility known as CERN. Essentially, it is used to accelerate particles to very high speeds and energies, crash them into targets, and study what happens.

What is it really?

A weapon.

How does it work?

Imagine I give you a fancy watch, say a Rolex, and ask you to tell me exactly what it’s made of. I give you no tools and make you wear boxing gloves. How can you do it? Well, you could throw it against a brick wall and study the pieces on the floor. (In this analogy, you = LHC, and the Rolex = a particle.)

What is it Supposed to do?

In Search of the ge-ge-ge Higgs Boson

The Higgs Boson is the holy grail for particle physicists in their on-going quest for the meaning of life via the life of Brian. Fine, you try working all of the Python movies into a single sentence sometime, wise guy. The Higgs Boson is a crazy particle that only exists, theoretically, at very high energies. Current particle accelerators can generate the energies required to create a Higgs Boson, but it’s unlikely to actually happen. So how does this translate? Nine billion and we only get Boson? Or part of Boson? I never even liked him anyway (hours of my life waiting for a brief Daisy Duke short shot. Butt I digress). The probability of finding Higgs or Boson is so low that no one has ever even seen a Higgs Boson in all the years of operating these high-energy, high cost particle accelerators. Although, one scientist from the Oak Ridge National Laboratory claims that one of the ‘o’s from the Higgs Boson may have rolled behind his desk during a staff x-mas party.

In order to increase the probability of finding one of these rarest of particles, we need a higher energy accelerator than anything yet in operation. Enter the French and their half baked plans to destroy mother GAIA by hurling her subatomic children at the proverbial wall. Besides, what’s the big deal with this Higgs Boson anyway? Well, it has to do with the gauge invariant piece of the Standard Model of Particle Physics. What the hell is that, you ask? Apparently, there is broken-gauge-symmetry with respect to the electroweak force (one of the two fundamental forces of nature). Huh? Well, in order to explain this breaking of gauge invariance there needs to be another field, these are called the Higgs field, which eventually get us to the Higgs particle. If the Higgs field actually exists, then all is well in the Universe. If the Higgs particle is found not to exist, something else must have rolled under that desk back at Oak Creek. Physicists refer to The Higgs field and Higgs particle as minimalist theories. A minimalist theory is the simplest explanation for a phenomenon, which may well be related to ‘Occam’s Ferret,’ but don’t quote me on that (Wikipedia is down).

What makes the LHC a Suspected Superweapon?

First of all, its name is misleading. Is it a Large Collider of Hadrons or is it a Collider of Large Hadrons? This double speak proves this deceptive rouse is actually a superweapon designed to swallow the earth.

Second, the French are involved, and everyone knows that the French are elitists bent on global domination. With this superweapon they won’t need to actually fight anyone, they’ll just suck the Earth into black holed oblivion, along with their own Sartre-like nihilistic asses. No good existential hump wads (EHW).

Third, particle accelerators already exist around the world that can produce energies adequate for studying all of the 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd generation particles. Why go any further, especially on the first date?

Fourth, there is no need for such a facility, and here’s why. The Standard Model of Particle Physics, proposed in the 1960’s, is essentially unchanged. This is a highly accurate theory that has been tried and tested for over 40 years—truly an amazing achievement. We can now describe and predict almost all aspects of how the universe works on the smallest scale. In fact, it’s only at very high energies in very unique circumstances that the Standard Model of Particle Physics runs into some very minor discrepancies. It’s so good, in fact, that it has been used to accurately calculate the dimensionless magnetic moment (g-factor) of an electron to 13 decimal places 2.0023193043622. How accurate is that, you may ask? Here’s an analogy:

Let’s say you were going to drive 10,000 miles south from Anchorage, Alaska— exactly 10,000 miles, with an accuracy of 13 decimal places. I want you to tell me where you would end up.

Figure 1. Punta Arenas, Chile

You may say you’ll end up in South America somewhere. That’s accurate to about 1 decimal place. You may say you’ll end up in Chile somewhere. That’s accurate to about 2 decimal places. You may say you’ll end up in Punta Arenas, Chile. Now we’re talking, you’re really honing in on it! That’s accurate to about 3 decimal places. Nice place by the way, Punta Arenas. Lovely red-light district.

Anyway, assume you want to predict where in Punta Arenas you’ll arrive. How about at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes? That’s accurate to about 6 decimal places. You may say you want to arrive at the base of the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas. That’s good to about 7 decimal places.

So how close would you need to be to get to 12 decimal places of accuracy over your 10,000 mile trip? In order to be accurate to 12 decimal places, you would have to predict your final location to within the width of a human hair!

Figure 2. Statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes

Why did I run you through this exercise? Anything we could potentially find out from the experiments at the LHC could only improve our accuracy in describing and predicting our universe to the 14^th decimal place. It’s not going to change anything in those first 13 decimal places. Nine billion dollars for one measly decimal place! These experiments will provide no practical benefit for you and I. It’s as useful as predicting our arrival destination at the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas after driving from Anchorage Alaska to within 1/10 of the width of a human hair.

Seems there must be a little more to this Franco-Swiss project, perhaps a military application, hmmm?

Besides, did I mention the French are involved?

The global computer model supports the notion of an array of “natural” factors contributing to climate change, such as solar fluctuations, fluctuations in the earth’s magnetic field, fluctuations in volcanic activity, and flatulations in a little understood process of planetary gas emissions known as Earth Fart (www.ProjectEarthFart.org).  For more on this subject see my beer-reviewed journal article entitled Earth, Earth, the Magical Fruit.

Our current climate computer model accurately predicted a relatively short-term cooling period after the major volcanic eruption of Krakatoa in the 1800s, when the Earth, as science records it, “really ripped one.”  Since the 1800s, the computer model has not done so well.  In fact, there is a significant point of departure around the mid-twentieth century, when the model actually predicts a mild cooling trend; whereas actual data shows a substantial acceleration in warming over that same period.  Here’s the clincher: the scientists then added the input of greenhouse gases from human activities since 1850.  With that addition, once again, it predicts a global warming trend that closely follows the empirical data.  Hmmm. Perhaps Al Gore isn’t Satan (just one of his demonic helpers).

Unfortunately, it’s pretty clear that humans aren’t going to stop pumping greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere any time in the near future—to say nothing of residual Earth toot (RET).  We probably won’t see an end to such industrial emissions in our lifetimes—especially, if our lifetimes are significantly shortened by global warming (running rings round you logically).  With the population of India and China growing, with the energy demands of those countries skyrocketing, with the Kyoto Accord in the shitter, and a mongo leadership vacuum in America (MLV), this warming trend is likely to continue.  That means all of those bad things you hear about: glacier recession, sea levels rising, an Al Gore candidacy, or even (gasp) a It Could Happen Tomorrow sequel could actually happen tomorrow.  We may face droughts, storms, plagues, bad sit-coms, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria! And, yes, Ted Turner may resort to cannibalism, but only due to an age-related neurological disorder.

But does anyone ever talk about the good side of global warming?  Is there a good side?  Better global warming than global cooling, wouldn’t you agree?  I mean, who chooses the poles for their vacation getaway?  What’s it gonna be? Edmonton, Alberta or Daytona Beach, Florida?   (hockey fans are, no doubt, going to be the outliers in this poll.) Besides, most people on Earth never see the arctic or the Antarctic in their entire lifetime.  So what if it’s gone?  You want to see penguins, go to Pittsburgh.  Intercourse the penguin!

A great HD documentary aired recently called “Planet Earth”, and they took some impressive footage of the place.  That’s good enough for me.  Now, no one need fly to the top or bottom of the earth, wasting all that nasty fossil fuel.  I can simply turn on my HD TV, plop in a DVD, sit in my air conditioned home, and wa la’.  So what if it’s a few degrees hotter outside?  That’s what the temperature gauge on my air conditioner is for.  Sure, you can do all those calculations to determine what the “carbon footprint” is for my Fat Ass sitting in my comfy chair (made in China with all those chemicals, transported on a diesel-burning ship to the U.S., and sent on a diesel truck or diesel-electric train from San Francisco—my chair not my ass—which is made in America), eating McDonald’s food (made with beef grown on a clear-cut rain forest farm in South America, fed with growth hormones, flatulating all that methane [a much more effective greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide by the way] and shipped on diesel-burning vehicles to my local McDonald’s), in my air conditioned home (using those ozone-depleting chemicals, running on electricity generated by coal-burning power plants [48.9%], natural gas [20%], nuclear [19.3%], or other [11.8%]), watching a DVD (made from petroleum), on an HD TV (made in China and shipped on diesel-burning vehicles).  OK, I admit that was a run on sentence, but my grammar may also be impacted by climate change.  Thus the origins of the made for TV movie.,it Coul’d Happens; Next-Week…?

Here’s what “they” won’t tell you.  The benefits of global warming:

1. More sunny beaches.
2. New coastlines.
3. More bikinis.
4. More boat drinks.
5. More unwanted pregnancies (oh, wait: please delete).
6. No more salt on northern roadways fouling streams and lakes.
7. A free and clear Northwest Passage (the holy grail of commerce to the far east [read – China], which everyone has been searching for since before Columbus’ time and which everyone will need in the future since China will make EVERYTHING we want to buy.
8. On a related note, shorter trade routes from China equals less boats sinking with hazardous lead based toys.
9. An archaeological boom once the glaciers recede, giving us access to archaeological sites, relics, and frozen thunderbirds, wooly tadpoles, and pre-cambrian shit goblins—a cryptozoolgists wet dream (literally).
10. New beach-front property (buy it now, its cheap, some of the most depressed and crime-ridden parts of several major U.S. cities will become prime beach-front crime scenes).
11. Greenland.  It will finally be green again!  If those poor Vikings had only held out 500 more years….
12. More bikinis.
13. Putting an end to the iceberg menace will allow the Titanic to finally have its’ revenge.  Live, Rose, live!

I could go on and on (and have)—thank goodness for editors—so slip into that bikini girls and don’t think global extinction, guys, think global erection!