The Earth’s North Magnetic Pole has been guiding navigation for well over a thousand years. Some of the earliest known maps depicting the approximate location of the Earth’s northern pole placed it just off modern day Murmansk. Not to be confused with singer/actress Ethel Mermansk. The exact location of the pole was first discovered by James Clark Ross in 1831 at Cape Adelaide on the Boothia Peninsula in Northern Canada (while playing hockey naked).

Part of the Carta Marina of 1539 by Olaus Magnus, depicting the location of magnetic north vaguely conceived as "Insula Magnetu[m]" (Latin for "Island of Magnets") off modern day Murmansk. The man holding the rune staffs is the Norse hero Starkad. Source: Wikipedia.com.

Location of modern day Mermansk. Source: Wikipedia.com.

Magnetic North, as you probably know, has never been equivalent to the rotational North Pole.  In 1539 magnetic north was located in Mermansk, which is in Northern Russia, and in 1831 it was located in Northern Canada.  You may be asking, what the heck is going on here? Or just: “You idiots at The Daily Discord are geologically challenged!” Well, wait just a darn minute.  It’s geography, not geology for starters…and since its discovery in 1831, there have been several expeditions to verify its location. The most recent continual measurements were conducted by the Canadian government, who may or may not have been playing hockey naked (hint: you should never combine ice skate blades with an unbridled Zamboni).

Those expeditions and measurements have found that the Earth’s North Magnetic Pole is moving, and fast.  So fast, in fact, that in the 20^th Century alone it moved over 1,000 kilometers (~700 miles).  That’s about as far as Kevin Smith can fly with Southwest Airline, before being booted off his connecting flight.  Recent measurements confirm that our magnetic pole’s rate of movement is actually accelerating at an alarming rate. Does the Earth’s magnetism have anything to do with the engineers at Toyota?  Such an absurd notion may be closer than you think…

In 1970, the rate of movement of the magnetic north pole was 9 km/yr (~5 miles/yr).  Between 2001 and 2003, its average rate of movement was over 41 km/year (~25 miles/year)! No one seems to have any explanation for this anomaly….until now.  No, I’m not talking about the Ghetto Shaman’s Mayan ancestors swooping in from the center of the galaxy. The skilled scientists here at The Daily Discord do have a viable explanation. It’s a historical fact that magnetic north, when initially discovered, was located in the Eastern Hemisphere within the Arctic Circle.  Since that time, it has been slowly moving westward.  Why?  Simple: ferrous metal (not to be confused with hard rock playing weaselly rodents).

The highest concentrations of human society were located in the Eastern Hemisphere when magnetic north was first discovered.  Subsequently, the Industrial Revolution in England and Europe from the 1600s through the 1900s resulted in large quantities of ferrous metal that ultimately skewed the location of magnetic North (this time, quite by coincidence, I am talking about hard rock playing weaselly rodents). Since magnetic North wasn’t exactly located until 1831, there was no hard data available to support that indication.

Source: Wikipedia.com

Fast forward into the early 1900s. Not too fast—I was drinking last night.  In the 1900s development in the U.S. was growing at a rapid rate.  By the mid 1900s, the large amount of ferrous metals, then concentrated in the U.S., had been “pulling” magnetic North into the Western Hemisphere.

In the past several decades, China has been growing out of control. The large and increasing concentration of ferrous metals in China are now rapidly “pulling” magnetic North further westward, beyond the influence of the U.S. and its corporate lobbyists.

What’s next, you ask?  By the year 2030, all compasses on Earth will point to Beijing.  You can bet on it. And my second prediction: all blogs will be pointing toward The Discord. 

A mysterious hand from the future has once again stymied the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, conveniently located on the border of SwitzerFrance.  Well, perhaps it’s not the hand of the future, but the large intestine of the future.  LHC scientists reported start-up of the LHC has, once again, been delayed as a result of unforeseen circumstances.  A year and a half ago it was a mysterious electrical failure, a few months ago it was a baguette-carrying bird.  Now, it seems, refried beans are the culprit.

“Vell, ve had zis celebration party ze ozer day, and zer vaz ze, how you say,  refried bean burrito?” said one obviously French person.   The next morning the control room was reportedly “a buzz wiz ze gas bubbles.” 

“It brought me back to my old Bubble Chamber days at BHL,” stated another, less obviously French person.  “Those boys could really ratchet up the methane.” 

Various sources attested that the celebration was “a real blast,” but that the atmosphere in the control room the next morning was “qvite toxic.”         

Apparently, the combination of methane and hydrogen sulfide being off-gassed by the control room operators that morning was sufficient to knock out several key sensors in the control room, which subsequently led to massive systems failures, some lightheadedness among the operators, and ultimately a complete shut down of the LHC.

Rumors are spreading the LHC will never be operational again, because it is being deliberately sabotaged from the future.  David Tennent, the star of the popular Doctor Who series has been questioned by authorities.  The first Dr. Who has also been questioned, as well as all of the surviving members of the original Doctor Who series.  Several other Time Lords are also the focus of the investigation, including Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap, the entire cast from Sliders, and the unusually intelligent dog, Mr. Peabody, from the old Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon. 

The CERN physicists have not ruled out a divine intervention from God (him or her)self and are calling this a “negative miracle” so to speak.  The connection between a negative miracle and dark matter is only theoretical but may involve drinking several liters of warm Tab Cola on an empty stomach.  The Discord was unable to get any comment on this “negative miracle” theory from the Pope (who refuses to comment), but a lower ranking individual did indicate that the Vatican would be open to an investigation into whether or not God, or any of his archangels, did indeed have a hand in the LHC demise.  The Discord staff assumes the Vatican would level any and all appropriate charges in the event there is verified malfeasance and bring Him or Her to justice.

Dick Cheney added “If God is behind this, he is not a citizen of the United States, so He/She should face a military tribunal and then He/She should be tortured repeatedly for information.”

Cheney believes that since God is omnipotent this might take considerable time, but the operation is crucial to U.S. security for highly classified reasons.

Meanwhile, CERN officials indicate it could be months before the LHC is up and running again and it may be even longer before food is allowed in the control room.

“All this science, I don’t understand; it’s just my job five days a week.”

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know:

1. Swine flu does not cause violent testicular eruptions, except in lab mice.
2. Surgical masks are a freaking JOKE.  If you really think a paper surgical mask with leaking gaps all around the interface between it and your face are going to prevent you from being exposed to a sub-micron sized virus, I have a bridge to nowhere to sell you in Alaska. Surgical masks are designed to keep particulate-sized droplets of spit from spraying out of a surgeon’s mouth and into your gaping chest when doctors are performing that bypass surgery you needed after your ill conceived Big Mac eating contest. They cannot and do not stop you from inhaling airborne bacteria or viruses (or inhaling Big Macs for that matter). If you wear a surgical mask it does a far better job at protecting me from you than it does protecting you from me. And I own an Uzi, which further complicates things.  On the other hand, surgical masks may make women think you’re a doctor, which should moderately improve your chances of getting laid tonight.
3. Don’t eat pork.  Pigs are cloven-hoofed animals anyway, and everyone knows eating the meat will give you swine flu.  Really?  Have we all porked our educations that badly?
4. Don’t eat horse meat. You’ll catch Venezuelan Equine Encephalitis (VEE).  Really.
5. The 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic killed somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million people.  There are over six billion people on the planet now.  Therefore, even if the Swine flu kills as many people as the 1918 flu, that is only 0.3% of the world’s population. Just trimming the fat from a historical perspective. That equates to approximately 1 person per 300.  McDooris can kill more than that with one malt-liquor-enhanced beer-fart and, no, the mask won’t help (I tried it my sophomore year). And don’t talk to me about percentages of the 1918 population and percentages of the current population, you’re either on my side or you’re on the side of the virus.  Stay the horse.
6. This is not The Stand.
7. Every year in the U.S., over 20,000 people die from the flu. This number can be as high as 50,000 deaths each year, depending upon how you link flu-related deaths and you’re ability to effectively use an abacus.  That’s the “normal” flu we are all used to.  It’s irresponsible for mainstream media sources to be blowing this swine flu thing so far out of proportion.  Yes, WHO is tracking a potentially serious flu outbreak; yes, some precautions are necessary; yes, some people will die, but, no, it is not necessary to scare the crap out of everyone.  That will happen naturally, after you contract the flu. On the Brightside, think of the money you will save on colon cleansing products.  Besides, hyping nonsensical news items is our job. You mainstream media people keep to biased reporting and quit encroaching on our turf!  After all, we have, in true alpha male fashion, pissed in every virtual corner of this website.   This is another reason Winslow should stop paying the Ghetto Shaman in malt liquor products.
8. The best thing anyone can do is wash their hands.  Wash them often.  People are freaking disgusting in my opinion. I have sat in the public crapper many times, in my traditional Senator Craig-like wide stance, and heard some gross bastard drop a juicy loosie, wipe insufficiently, and walk right out without so much as turning on the faucet. (He’s probably the same guy making your Big Macs, by the way).  Wash your goddam’ hands you gross, degenerate! And not just after the bathroom; wash them often.  Remember, that gross bastard has to open doors with the same door handles you do. (Another disgusting side note: your olfactory sense functions by detecting small particles that create a sensation of smell. So, if you smell that disgusting bastard in the crapper, well, I’m sure your surgical mask blocks that little particle. It’s certainly bigger than a virus, and therefore you can’t smell it; or can you?).  
9. Lastly, don’t freak out.  Don’t go all Pierce Winslow on us.  Do be sensible: wash your hands; keep your kids informed but not hysterical; and by all means keep spending money to stimulate the economy.  This isn’t the Black Death. Flogging yourself won’t beat out the demons, and the death carts won’t be rolling through your streets anytime soon.  Unless, of course, my itchy Uzi trigger finger says otherwise.  Look at it this way: when it’s all said and done the human race will be a little stronger for it and we may lose some of those gross, never-washing-their-hands degenerates.  Peter Sellers had it right when he said, “this is a swine flu, but this too shall pass.”

Al Gore and the environmental stewards of the world have been pushing us to stop burning fossil fuels before we all shrivel under Venus-like greenhouse effects into tiny crispy-critter char-balls (CCCBs).  OK, Alfonso, we all agree something needs to be done.  We all want to reduce our carbon footprint, although maybe in the U.S. “carbon ass-print” is more like it. One option, which I have written about previously here at the Discord, is wind energy.  Certainly breaking wind makes us all feel better.  But, solar energy is another option recently championed by the green meanies.

“Solar energy, the ultimate sustainable energy source!” they say.  “Free energy!” they say.  “A hybrid in every pot!” they say.   “Free sustainable hydroponic pot energy!” they say.   Sorry.

But whoa, cowboy, there are problems with solar, too.  Al Gore and his one million in Nobel Prize money won’t say it, though.  First, there is a significant carbon ass-print associated with the manufacturing of solar panels.  Second, there are all those batteries that are needed to store the energy for all those times when and where the sun don’t shine.  Batteries have a HUGE carbon ass-print, and beyond that, they have all those nasty heavy (and very toxic) metals in them, like Algorite.  But there is another more troubling problem with solar power in this age of fossil fuelism, a phenomenon known as Global Dimming. 

You’ve never heard of Global Dimming?  No.  Sorry.  We are not talking about that child left behind.

Didn’t you watch An Inconvenient Truth?  Oh, that’s right, good ‘ol Al ‘forgot’ to mention it.  Perhaps it ended up on the cutting room floor in favor of the segment on the long history of the Gore family farm, or the segment on the sister who died of lung cancer.  Or, more likely, it wasn’t discussed because Global Dimming is sort of an inconvenient truth for An Inconvenient Truth.  It would damper some of the green crowd’s enthusiasm if people actually understood this phenomenon.

So what is Global Dimming, you ask?  Well, surprisingly, it is one of the primary factors that have proven that global warming (oops, sorry, that’s not PC) global climate change is occurring and is directly related to human activity.  Here is the 30-second overview (or the 30-minute, if you’re that child left behind):

• In the 1950s, an Israeli scientist conducted detailed measurements of the Sun’s energy in order to improve evaporation calculations and design better irrigation systems in Israel.  The study was very thorough and included dozens of locations throughout Israel.
• In the 1980s, that same scientist conducted the same studies again at the same locations in Israel.  He found that the Sun’s energy reaching the earth’s surface had been REDUCED by over 4% from the levels measured in the 1950s. “Holy Milk and Honey, Batman!”  So, he went back and checked everything about the 1950 and 1980s experiments and found that he had done everything right.  Indeed, the Sun’s energy reaching the Earth was definitely 4% less than in the 1950s.
• Why is this reverse trend happening?  Increased volcanic activity?  Cyclical changes in the suns output?  Zamboni Gypsies?  Shit goblins? No…but those are all good answers.  How about particulate pollution from the burning of fossil fuels?  Huh?  This is the correct answer. All we are saying is give smog a chance.
• After publishing his findings, this scientist was ridiculed by many and berated as a crackpot.  A decade later, however, substantial lines of evidence from all over the world were vindicating his study and providing additional lines of evidence.
• In the 1990s, an intensive multinational effort was conducted that proved, beyond a shadow of a shit goblin, that particulate pollution from the burning of fossil fuels has indeed led to the 4% reduction in the sun’s energy reaching the earth’s surface over much of the globe.

So what are the consequences of this global dimming?

One truly frightening revelation is this: without global dimming, the effects of global warming (er, climate change) would be significantly more obvious to us than it is today.  In fact, global dimming, and its associated cooling effect on the Earth, has actually tempered the heating effect of greenhouse gases.  One obvious problem becomes this: the moment we actually start reducing fossil fuel pollution, there is likely going to be a significant spike in the heating effect of the current levels of greenhouse gas as the amount of our sun’s energy reaching the Earth’s surface increases dramatically. 

How is that for irony?  And that’s real irony, not the Alanis Morissette kind of irony, which really isn’t irony at all; isn’t that ironic?  Don’t ya think?

Second, global dimming actually significantly decreases the effectiveness of solar energy sources.  Be it photovoltaic cells or reflective heating technologies, global dimming decreases the effectiveness of these alternative energy solutions and makes them much less cost effective, which, in turn, means you need more batteries, more plastics, more this, more that, and next thing you know we are all sitting in Cabana chairs sipping boat drinks by some shriveled up Lake in Saskatchewan looking at a stuffed Polar Bear and thinking to ourselves, wow, they must have lived with those Mastodon thingies back in the day.

Pass me another boat drink, will ya’?  Whew, it’s hot.  Oh, we’re out of water and ice…all right, straight-up then.