It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness.  The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege.  As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again.  What’s next?  Take the nukka out of Hanukkah?  Take the Ramada out of Ramadan?  The zaa out of Kwanzaa?  Take the birth out of Birthday?  The Bud out of Buddha?  Wait, scratch that last one. 

Personally, I like Christmas the way it is, Christ and all.  A Christmas No-Mas would be a terrible thing for everyone, even if you don’t celebrate it.  Christ is a pretty important part of the celebration.

This degeneration of the importance of Christ in Christmas is nothing new.  When I was a kid, everyone used to say “Merry Christmas!” I can remember the first time I heard someone say “Happy Holidays!”  Strange, I thought, I never really considered New Years Eve to be a real holiday (silly child).  Oh, wait, I get it!  You don’t want to offend me if I don’t celebrate Christmas, so you think Happy Holidays is OK.  Then I would think, you know what, I do celebrate Christmas, it is Christmas time, and I am offended that you said Happy Holidays instead! A cheap substitute! Then, instead of starting a blog (for temporal reasons), I’d be-bop down to the pizza shop on the corner and play Asteroids. 

Each year things seem to be getting worse with all this Holiday political correctness (HPC).  This year, things went so far in Pennsylvania that Christmas Town, PA was actually renamed Holiday Town.  That only lasted a couple of days (thank Christ).   This PC-creep continues.  The whole point and purpose of Christmas is being diluted.  I believe it’s a by-product of commercialism, as Charlie Brown and Linus so clearly pointed out way back in the 1960s.  They really were visionaries; they saw what was coming.  Except Kwanzaa, who the heck could have seen that coming? Somehow there never was an “It’s Kwanzaa, Charlie Brown!” TV cartoon.  I wonder what Franklin would think? Perhaps the most powerful comment came from Charlie Brown’s teacher, “Mwa, me, mwah memawah me mwah.”  Wow, that still rings true today.

Today, part of the problem, as I see, is the commercialism of all holidays driving malls and stores to start putting out Christmas decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  That’s a different type of creep.  Same is true for each and every holiday.  Halloween decorations show up in August, Labor Day decorations show up in July, Independence Day decorations show up in May, Memorial Day decorations show up in March, Easter decorations in February, Groundhog Day decorations in December (you mean you don’t decorate your front lawn with Punxsutawney Phil’s tree stump and groundhog hole?  KILL the infidels!

By pushing the commercial sales calendar earlier and earlier, we’re mixing up holidays that normally would be separated, AKA, so that PC concerns wouldn’t be a problem.  Christmas conflicts with Hanukkah, which conflicts with Thanksgiving, which conflicts with Halloween, which conflicts with my tree stump groundhog-hole lights, which conflicts with Lief Erikson, etc.

In the coming years, I fear Christmas will continue to take hits from the PC-weanies.  Soon, you’ll be able to purchase ad space in the nativity scene at your local Church.  Instead of baby Jesus we’ll see a Taco Bell value-menu burrito snuggling in the manager, which one of the Wise Men eats and the resulting gastrointestinal display scatters the rest of the crowd and the animals. Depressing.  Siiilent Ni-(Pthhhht).  Can you edit that out, Winslow?

But don’t laugh; your church may well start a nativity scene ad spot.  Heck, even the holiest of the holy—the Daily Discord—is selling ad space now. In our defense, we really need the cash.  Our beer budget is in the crapper.  We had to go with a quarter keg of Milwaukee’s Best for the Christmas party.  Speaking of the crapper, I hope the Ghetto Shaman gets out of there in time to submit his column this week.  I would hate to see what Milwaukee Worst could do to the digestive system. But I digress…

As I said earlier, let’s keep Christ in Christmas and bud in the Buddha (and not Milwaukee’s Best!).  Christ is a pretty important part of the celebration…second only to Santa, of clause.

The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site.   Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine.  Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well.  But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht).  Oh come on!  Edit that out, Winslow.  Damn you!

“We are of one mind with Mr. Wolfe on this one,” said CEO Pierce Winslow.  “We pledge to end adolescent humor on our site, in all of its nefarious forms.  We really need to curb future usage of fart jokes, fecal matter, breast (or breastises), obscene bodily functions, and other forms of adolescent humor in order to maintain a higher level of journalistic integrity.  This is part of why Zano has been given his notice.  These moves are all part of our New Deal.  Take the Ghetto Shaman,” added Winslow.  

When asked how he would like to finish that thought, he said, “I did.  I meant, take him.  He’s a drunken bum and I’m tired of paying the bail bondsmen to get him out of the Pokey.”

Discord contributor, Pokey McDooris, was unavailable for comment.

“We want our blog, e-zine thingie to be more like The Waltons…on acid,” said the Ghetto Shaman.  When questioned about his own raunchy take on enlightenment, such as his Tao of Skullfucking, the Shaman responded with a wet raspberry.  “And you can quote me on that, bitch.”

The Discord’s comedic ranking system (CRS) has placed us on about the 13-yr old humor scale.  We are concerned, if we fall any lower on this scale, all smell will break loose.

“We could lose our current audience in favor of the pre-teen crowd, or tweens, or on particularly bad days, toddlers.  And let’s face it, our youth are flat broke these days.  We can’t afford to cut into our funding stream at this point.

The Discord believes they have found a successful comedic formula—something between PG-13 and X that maximizes our audience base.

“At the end of the day, we really are a family oriented humor site,” continued Winslow.  “Minus the occasional skullfucking.   Where else can a 13-year old boy and his 30-something dad go on the internet these days and enjoy some quality time together?  Sure, they could find some other websites to peruse when mom’s not around, but, frankly, we represent the edge of appropriateness (EOA).”

When asked if this was just another publicity stunt, Winslow stated, “A what?  No, we’re committed to carrying this through.  We need to start somewhere and while some folks may say ‘the cat’s out of the bag’ or ‘it’s like closing the barn door when the horses are already gone’, we’d like to say ‘we’ll keep our barn door wide open in hopes that the pussy will return.’” 

When asked about the future of the Discord under this adolescent humor freeze, Winslow said, “We expect it will expand our audience base globally.  For example, China and India have huge potential.  Just last month we got six hits from Mumbai!  We’re quite sure there are plenty of degenerates over there we still haven’t reached.  If we can capture just a small fraction of those sick bastards, look out Onion!  By the way, Humor Links has us rated higher than The Onion under Spoof News.  But we don’t like to brag….THE FUCK WE DON’T!  Oh, we also don’t like to curse anymore.  TO HECK WE DON’T, BITCHES.”

Ahhh….we’re a work in progress.  Well, there you have it, folks, right from the horse’s mouth.  This is L. Wolfe signing off from— (Pththhhtht).  Damn you, Winslow!

Despite some setbacks, The Daily Discord is proud to announce the grand opening of the Earth is Flat Museum—ironically located in the hills of Kentucky (in the alley behind Ed’s Wok, next to the Dumpster, across from The Creation Museum).  The museum’s curator, Lloyd “Bubba” Hickenson, had hoped the opening ceremony would be led by Thomas Friedman, but the award winning New York Times’ columnist insists his version of a ‘flat world’ is metaphorical only. 

Once the proposal for such a museum hit the blogosphere by, yours screwly, museum donations came trickling in!  At least three supporters donated to the cause.  Donations included a King James Bible (stamped Best Western), a rare copy of A Ted Haggard X-mas (rated-X), and a semi-melted rubber chicken (it’s the thought that counts).

“We have a nice alley stoop, upwind of the dumpster,” said Hickenson, “on which we prop our soapbox and discuss our poster presentations (a poster presentation based on an actual Power Point presentation).  We also have lunch-bag puppet shows for the kiddies!  Our lunch specials run twice a day, generally coinciding with the floor sweepings at Ed’s Wok. Or, why not indulge in one of José’s kitchen scrap specials? (José’s real name is being withheld at Ed’s request for fear of pending immigration actions.)  And don’t forget to bring your rubber gloves, folks, for our dumpster diving bonuses!  Who needs Teppanyaki, when you can have much more affordable Teppanyucky?

Our attractions include:

• Our Flattening Earth:  A compelling, interactive display that clearly demonstrates the impossibility of a spherical world.  Try your hand at balancing a green plastic army man on a) a flat model of the earth, b) the top of a basketball, and c) the bottom of a basketball.  Kid friendly!
• The Receding Horizon Paradox:  Here, through the innovative use of smoke and mirrors, we demonstrate how the spherical earth theory is false.  The horizon continually receding from view at exactly the same rate at which you approach is actually quite false.  Understand how such a theory necessitates an intelligent horizon, and how the flat earth reality eliminates such a paradox.
• Handstands and Headaches: Can You Live Upside-Down?  You be the judge of this simple, yet powerful, demonstration of the impossibility of “living upside down” as would be required on a spherical earth.  Try your hand at drinking a glass of milk while hanging upside down. See how long you can last inverted before you develop a pounding headache (or milk comes out your nose).  Try simple tasks like tossing a ball between two people, or try your swing on our own, lawyer friendly, Wiffle ball course. You’ll see with your own eyes how ridiculous the spherical earth theory is after you experience this exhibit.  What are those scientists smoking?  Kid injury friendly!
• The Three Dimensional Delusion:  See how scientific facts necessitate that all visible objects in the solar system are flat, just like the earth.  See how a flat moon is the only way to accurately explain the lunar cycles.  Understand how the logical incongruity of a spherical earth in a flat solar system simply cannot be true.  
• Ride a Dinosaur Exhibit:  This attraction is only offered when the guy over at The Creation Museum is taking a dump (usually around 2:00 PM).  Void when not voiding.
• Earth is Flat Slogan Contest:  We’re looking for a new slogan for the Earth is Flat Museum!  This new slogan will replace the current “Flat is PHAT!” slogan.  It seems that our visitors don’t know what PHAT means.  Submit your entry to The DailyDiscord.com today.  Just don’t send it to the Ghetto Shaman by accident or risk eternal damnation.

Come visit us on the web at: www.twistingLogicIntoAPretzel.org.

Paid for in part by the Fuck Darwin Society (FDS, we’re limited).

An AC 360 segment on CNN all but proved something truly sinister.  Their recent study indicates that American children are impacted at very early ages by a society built upon subliminal, insidious racism against dark skinned cartoon children.  A follow up study conducted by 36-DD here at the Daily Discord has shown the impacts are even more far reaching than originally believed.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Titty Bar, released this statement today, “The bitch told me she was 18.”  He then uttered a far more relevant statement, “American children are trained by society to hate anything that is dark, not just dark cartoon children.”

In a 36-DD study, kids most often chose the dark toast as the "bad" toast

The study, sponsored by the Vanilla White Toast Society (VWTS), asked young children from various backgrounds questions about, well, toast.  The children were shown 5 pictures of toast, ranging in color from very light (almost white) to very dark (almost black).  The children were then asked a series of questions, such as “Which toast is the bad toast?” and “Which toast should be segregated?” or even “Which toast would Rand Paul throw out of a country club?” In every case, according to the study, children always chose the dark toast as the toast with negative traits and chose the moderately colored toast as the toast associated with good traits.  According to Hogbein, “American children are brainwashed from an early age to associate black with bad.”  Even follow-up questions confirmed the disturbing aversion away from dark colored toast.  When they identified the darkest colored toast as the bad toast, children were then asked, “Why is that the bad toast?” and, with quizzical looks at the questioner, the children almost invariably responded, “Would you eat toast as black as that, asshole?” The lightest toast was actually never chosen.  When asked about this, most children said, “Because that’s just bread, not toast, asshole.”

The 36-DD study found this disturbing trend across almost all food groups: pizza, vanilla pudding, pumpkin pie.  In each and every case, the darkest versions were associated with the bad traits and the lighter versions with the good traits (well, chocolate cake was an exception.  Oh, and the children also seemed to enjoy the dark beer over the light beer).  Perhaps the children associated dark color with bad traits because dark usually means burnt food, or because the cowboy in the black hat is always the bad guy, or because cat burglars and other bad guys are always dressed in black.

When posed with this question, Hogbein said, “Nonsense!  It’s racism!  AC 360 didn’t look at this factor in their study.  They determined it was racism when children chose the dark cartoon child as the bad child!  No, this is clearly the racist influences in America driving this preponderance of dark color = bad traits, and if that fact is good enough for Anderson Cooper, it’s good enough for me.  American society is inherently racist!  Why do you think they’re trying to stop the bad black oil from tainting our crystal waters?  Will the chemicals being used in the Gulf simply turn the oil white?  That’s my question for BP.”

This may also explain how a dazzling urbanite can be twice as competent as a certain white Texan, yet still end up with lower approval ratings in half the time.

“It’s not about Obama’s job performance,” said Hogbein.  “It’s the burnt toast phenomenon.”

Next week 36-DD looks at a new study, wherein we investigate why people who own automobiles purchase more gasoline than people who don’t.