Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This seems to be a common theme with what I’ve read of your column, but sex drugs and rock & roll are at odds with most teachings of spirituality. What am I missing?

Zitz

Dear Zitz,

A lot of fun, apparently. We have DMT and cannabinoid receptors in our brains. Drugs are an integral part of our heritage, but my boss and my P.O. aren’t buying it. Check out David Lewis-Williams’ work on cave art. He has all but proven that rock art throughout the world has recurrent entoptic/shamanic patterns. When man ingested the first ‘shrooms and gnawed on the first psychedelic roots we finally climbed out of the trees and claimed our birthright—which has widely been regarded as a bad move (D. Adams).

Lewis-Williams’ is one of many scholars who believe the use of hallucinogens actually stepped up our evolution. You can learn more about binge drinking and enlightenment in my latest work Ancestral Party Animal: Voices from the First Kegger.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And at my house hallucinogens have also been successfully used to treat boredom.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you have any clue how our elders passed down the knowledge, myth, and the very essence of each and every important culture throughout Mother Earth’s dynamic history.  You have missed some important lessons, Shaman.  

Shonto

Dear Shonto,

Nonsense, I have simply given new meaning to the words ‘long oral tradition.’ 

The Ghetto Cialis

P.S. And is that a totem in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The other day this owl swooped right in front of me and my girlfriend.  Not at night in broad daylight!  Have you heard of animocracy, or something, telling the future through animal behavior?  Is this a good omen or a bad omen and would you care to comment on omens in general?

Jackson Hole

Dear Jackson Hole,

I am very familiar with animocracy, and I sincerely hope, especially considering the current economic crisis, that animals start to legislate soon.  As for your question about omens: Omen 1: with Gregory Peck was a very good omen.  Omen II: is a pretty good Omen as well.  That scene when the kid drowns under the ice is really creepy.  Omen III: is a very bad Omen.  I don’t think I made it through the whole thing.  Omen IV: remains shrouded in mystery, but I have moved it into my Netflix cue and will let you know soon.  But I don’t remember there being any owls in those. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you hear?  Archeologists have discovered ancient sperm in the eye sockets of some Brazilian crystal skulls.  Is this further proof of your Tao of Skull Fucking? Or are the natives just gnawing on too many roots?

Okie4

Dear Okie4,

A rare person who understands my work!   You speak of the Legend of Crystal Skull Humpers.   I think my next book Indiana Jonesing and the Temple of Spooge will vindicate my theory, or put me back in jail. I’m sure it’s one of the two. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What exactly is going to happen in 2012?

Mike Dresden

Smithtown, NY

Dear Mike,

I will no longer be on parole in the State of Pennsylvania. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Halloween is coming up and what do you think is the most likely costume to get me laid? Just curious.

Terri

Dear Just Curious,

If you are a female, I would go with a Wonder Woman costume. But, if you decide to go with this theme, don’t try to make-it in your invisible airplane; this is the age of cell phone cameras. If you are a male I would go with a Ghetto Shaman mask. These are available wherever fine Ghetto Shaman masks are sold. If you are a male that likes to hang out at certain clubs, I would go with the Wonder Woman costume. Again, watch the Boeing buggery.

Sin-beerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you got ejected from Kimball’s bar again last week.  Nice.

Detritus

Williamsport, PA

Dear Detritus,

What you call an ejection, I call a spiritual retreat.  You are supposed to ask a question, thus the name of my column, so I will take this opportunity to ask you a question:

Why are you so focused on the actions of others, my friend?  Or were you the one I set on fire during my Bacchanalian Medical Marijuana seminar?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was in a public restroom stall the other day and the guy next to me was humming that song, the one that goes, “I hear the secrets that you keep when you’re talking in your sleep.” I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. Do you think I need therapy or something?

The Mad Hoopster

Dear MH,

…or something. Who am I Dr. fucking Phil? Look, you should never take a dump in a public restroom; that’s why God gave us the alley.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am researching out-of-body experiences and came across something called the Akashic Record.  What exactly is the Akashic Record? 

Sierra Swanson

Framingham, MA

Dear Sierra,

I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s available in compact disc by now.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your work is sad, pathetic, lousy, moronic, and juvenile and, wait, let me hit thesaurasus.com …deplorable, distressing, crappy, and devitalizing.    And The Tao of Skull Fucking is the saddest excuse for literature since your last book Bud-Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties (but at least that one had some soft porn in it).

Tooksy

Kearny, NJ

Dear Tooksy,

What do you have against the 3 Hs?  OK, OK, you’re right.  I will try to make amends in my next work: The Art of Spiritual Coercion.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  …or not.