Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t understand the Chakra system.  Wasn’t Chakra just that monkey boy from the Land of the Lost?  Or is there more to it?

Sammy Vimes

Seattle, WA

Dear Sammy,

Yes and No. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are obviously a gifted writer, but what was your first book ever?  I want to hear more about your early period.  You know, when you were a struggling artist trying to find yourself.  What was the motivation behind your urge to become a shaman?

Lance Parker

Troy, NY

Dear Lance,

My interest in healing came from a divine hormonal calling, which began with a vision of that chick from Weird Science in a Catwoman costume.  My first book captures the true essence of my desire for self-mastery: What is Enlightenment and Will It Get Me Laid?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With the current economic crises, I may only be purchasing one book this year.  Any thoughts?  Oh, and what exactly is Midget Reiki?

Yours truly,

Fred Callahan

Dear Fred,

You should wait for my next book Vomiting the Vedic and Other Gastral Projections.  It will change your life.  Oh, and as for Midget Reiki, the Discord only pays me to answer one question a week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are such a prolific writer, where do you recommend beginning?  Reading your work out of order, well, it just loses something. 

Sincerely,

Jake Schmidt

Reno, NV

Dear Jake,

I wrote my first book during my ‘long night of the soul,’ which I called Bernie.  At the heart of my pre-enlightened period, I wrote my first book:  Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t.  I wrote this before I was a Shaman, but after my period.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This may be a hard question, but could you come up with one quote that captures the essence of your teachings?  I am really seeking some ‘meaning of life’ stuff and have admired and respected your work for a long time. 

Sincerely,

Jackson Stoltz

Bakersfield, CA

Dear Jackson,

Clearly the most moving statement comes near the end of my work entitled The Spiritual Art of Skull Fucking wherein I tell the feathered serpent: “You haven’t lived until you have performed Der Ring des Nibelungen naked.” 

I hope this helps…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am very disappointed in a book I read of yours entitled:  Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way.  I think you are a tad off-message here, and, as a parent, I think the world would be a better place without your ‘teachings.’

Pam Stengle

Taos, NM

Dear Pam,

What? only a tad off??  My teachings and my master have taught me not to react to criticism personally….bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book entitled Ten Spiritual Lessons for Drunken Clubbies, and I found it stunningly demeaning to women.

Sincerely,

Flo Petersen

Portsmouth, NH

Dear Flo,

If you think that was bad, you might want to stay away from the second book in my women studies series entitled Battery Operated Vibrational Healing. Just a word to the wise.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

When you said you had ‘private healing sessions,’ I thought you meant you had a secluded workshop or something.  You sick bastard!  I feel so dirty.

I’m suing your ass!

Kristin

Dear Kristin,

All things done to your privates were done in the line of duty—except maybe the part with the snorkel.  Besides, I have no fear of lawsuits, young lady.  I answer to a higher authority…the Lycoming County Parole Board. 

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman.

Mr. Ghetto Shaman,

You are a disgrace!  I read what I could stomach of your latest degenerative drivel, Spiritual Healing Through Sex with Me, and I am just wondering how you could possibly sleep at night, you sick bastard?

Tanya Moore

Yuma, AZ

Dear Tanya,

If you had read my entire work, you would know how I sleep at night.  Re-read my chapter on drunken orgasms entitled: The Mad-Dog Dharma Cums.

Sinbeerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am seeking to expand my current level of consciousness through meditative disciplines, and I just came upon your work entitled A Map to Ecstasy.  I don’t understand–it is page after page of street maps with an X-marks-the-spot-kind of thing in the middle. What is the significance?

Josh Compton

Hagerstown, MD

Dear Josh,

This isn’t a goddamn riddle, homeboy. If you want ecstasy, go to the X (with cash).  Tell em’ all I sent you for a possible discount, or a possible bullet.  The footnotes explain when to mention my name and when to wear body armor.  It couldn’t be clearer, putz.

The Ghetto Shaman