Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t and I tried to smoke the houseplants you suggested and i’m not sure you should be encouraging that sort of thing. Oh, and in Chapter 4, what exactly is a blue root boinger?

Donald8

Dear Donald,

What…? You didn’t see the disclaimer? Good. You shouldn’t read those things. As for your question, let’s just say, it’s a blue root and the Missus won’t complain for about 12 hours. Any longer than that, consult your physician immediately.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

Shamanistic practices are demonic in nature.  A Shaman can open doors, but these doors are not so easily closed. You are toying with some dark practices, sorcerer, practices that can lead to death, possession, or other types of occult bondage.

Susan I.

Moab, UT

Dear Susan,

Oh, you’re no fun anymore.  You do have a point, though.  When I come home really drunk and kick in my front door, it’s really hard to close the next day.  Oh, and on that note, check out one of my favorite lesbian link partners at occultbondage.com.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you Mayan?   You look Mayan.  Did you ever have festivals to honor the Feathered Serpent when you were a kid back in Maya?

Ben

Oshkosh, WI

Dear Ben,

I’m old, but not thousands of years old.  Er…Maya? There was a Seven Deadly Sins Festival held each year in my hometown.  Each day would honor one of the coveted deadly sins.  The festival was actually only six days, though, because no one ever got around to organizing Sloth Day.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ll take The Lord of the Rings over The Holy Bible any day.  I don’t think the Bible was ever meant to be taken literally.

Mary L.

Billings, Mt

P.S.  Oh, and in your book The Tao of Skull Fucking, who are the Contraceptacons?

Hail Mary,

I agree, the Bible should be taken with a pillar of salt.   You are very insightful.  Mankind can learn much from both Tolkien and The Bible.  For example, when you crucify a dwarf, they get a little cross. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  The Contraceptacons died out—most in horrific IUD explosions

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You tend to glorify alcohol consumption.  I think you are missing the bus here.  The Dalai Lama once said, “Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

Gail

Rolla, MO

Dear Gail,

Mwwaaaah?  Is it not Ozzy Osbourne who once said, “Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.” 

Check and mate…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you available for speaking engagements? I am hosting an all-female adult movie star convention in Las Vegas in a few weeks and was wondering if you may be available.

Thanks!

Laurel Canyon

Dear Laurel,

Is this a trick question?  Actually, I’m a busy man.  I certainly can’t go to every all-female porn convention that I’m invited to…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Send the details!  Can I bring Zano, Atsals, and Bald Tony?  They’re usually well behaved at such events.  That didn’t sound convincing, did it?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is a psychoactive herb?

Tina

Phoenix, AZ

Dear Tina,

I think it’s the guy I get my shrooms from…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

Should Obama cave to China and not visit with the Dalai Lama?  After all, they are the Boss now, right?

Chuck G.

New York, NY

Dear Chuck,

The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.

The Dude is the Big Lebowski.

Osama lives in a cave, not Obama.

And only Nixon can go to China (and he’s dead; ain’t that a bitch?)

Hope this helps,

The Dalai Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I checked out a really fascinating website on Shamans the other day and saw something about Leveling Shamans.  There’s one thing I didn’t understand.  This site recommended Enhancement for most encounters, but only after level 40.  What does this mean?

Freddie 9

Dear Freddie,

Ahhh, I believe that’s a World of Warcraft reference. You mean to tell me, you perused the entire website and you didn’t figure this out?  The most beautiful story in the Universe is that of the Bodhisattva—an enlightened being, who could shift beyond this world at any time, but chooses instead to stay behind to help every person, every animal, and even every rock attain enlightenment.  I think you could make even a Bodhisattva say, fuck it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Fuck it.  (See?)

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I love your work.  But what do you think that freaky Norway cloud spiral was last month?  I heard thousands of people witnessed this image in the night sky.  Is it some alien Fibonaccian message?  Does it tie in with Mayan Cosmogenesis?  What could create such a freakishly large display?  Do you have any idea?

Vie

Medford, OR

Dear Vie,

No…

The Ghetto Shaman