Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths?  Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right?  So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders?  Stuff like this makes me crazy!

Jack P.

Lakewood, NJ

Dear Jack,

Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths.  Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary.  Do I have to teach you people everything?  I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy.  Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.

The Ghetto Tolkien

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any paranormal abilities, Shaman? Through an ageless creed I have wrestled the boa and dodged the skin walker on the rocky hills of my ancestors.

Biff F.

Durango, CO

Dear Bifffff,

Oh, yeah, tough guy? Well, I have watched the Apollo Creed box the Rocky Balboa, and I have even TiVo’d the Walker Texas Ranger. As far as paranormal abilities, I have near-death experiences regularly (most involve entering establishments I am currently barred from). Oh, and visiting my ancestors is pretty rocky too—with the restraining order and all.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My grandfather was one of the Navajo code talkers who used cryptography to help confound the Japanese during WWII. I want to travel to the Solomon Islands, where my grandfather was stationed, but I don’t fly.  If I choose to travel by sea, do you have any advice to help me stay safe?

Scott M.

Ship Rock, NM

Dear Scott,

Cryptography, eh?  What’s the big deal about taking pictures of Mausoleums? To answer your question, this little number always kept me safe for long voyages:

Red skies at night sailors delight.

Red sky in the morning, pass the Visine, bitch.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In an Iboga induced trance (IIT), I have contacted my Ancestral Spirits.  They have instructed me to become a contributor for the Daily Discord.  Do you need any help at this time?

Harry

Lake Grove, NY

P.S.  See, I’m already hip with those lousy acronym jokes.

Dear Harry,

A contributor, really? I think you’ve been chewing on the wrong root, my friend.  Tell your Ancestral Spirits that Winslow is impossible to work for.  Tell them, they should haunt his ass for eternity. You should consider working for a reputable e-zine, like over at NinjaLesbians.com.  I’m trying to get in with those bitches, literally.  Think about it: The Daily Discord or Ninja Lesbians?  Follow the path of the warrior…or, in this case, the naked ninja, hot girl-on-girl action, warrior.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I don’t listen to my living ancestors, let alone my dead ones.  Do I have to teach you people everything?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Get Zyprexa! and, sorry, but the highest teaching in the Tibetan tradition does not involve oral sex.  Who was your teacher, anyway?

Bill

Ely, NV

Dear Bill,

You misunderstand.  All I was saying is that it should.   My teacher is a very old shaman from the Kickapoo tribe, Shits-as-he-Walks Murphy.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you referenced something called the Golden Age of Public Masturbatory Practices.  Whaaa?

Jon M.

Rehoboth, MD

Dear Jon,

Ah yes, GAPMP.  To fully understand this important aspect of my teachings, you would really have to join one of my weekly enlightenment jerkshops.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a shaman.  I have lived for many months with the Warao of Eastern Venezuela.  I have consumed wild tobacco, nicotiana rustica, and have had hallucinations of the origins of DNA itself! I have also spoken to the jaguar.  You do a disservice to our ilk.

Tye

Tuba City, AZ

Dear Tye,

Yeah, well I’ve eaten cigarettes and driven around hallucinating about TNA. And I didn’t have to go all the way to Venezuela to talk to my car, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your power animal? Just curious.

Devin P.

Richmond, VA

Dear Devin,

The horse is my power animal. Colt 45 forties to be more specific.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods, what did you mean by your quote, “in parts of the U.S. and Canada the Shaman was restored to the wild”???

P.S. I do not believe you can successfully use malt liquor products as a medium of spiritual transformation.

Fred

Willow Creek, CA

Dear Fred,

I was captured, tagged, and released in Pennsylvania state forest land, along with about twenty other Shamans in the spring of 2004.  It was just another eco-liberal attempt to restore the Shaman to parts of North America, while pissing off as many republicans as possible.  I chewed off my tag, so they can no longer track my migration. 

P.S.  I can transform with malt liquor products just fine! You should see me around last call at Carl’s Pub. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wrestling with what to do about my mother’s failing health. She is getting up there in years but the idea of a nursing home scares her.  I’m just not ready for this, but I fear she might be.  Thoughts?

Sandy E.

Sierra Vista, AZ

Dear Sandy,

Good news! I would like to announce the grand opening of my new nursing home in northern Arizona, a land sacred to my bartenders.  My nature nursing home retreat can accommodate any number of elderly folk.  Heck, they stack like cord wood.  During the summer months, my program focuses on Sweat Lodging and, for the winter months, I have designed a series of meditations to increase body temperature despite the extreme cold. At my roadside culvert for the aged, I will always be available for your loved one (or at least at the bar across the street).  If suffering is the key to enlightenment, then this program is surely strife in the fast lane. 

No senior citizen discounts for obvious reasons.

The Ghetto Shaman