Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any advice for the newlyweds, William and Kate?

Sincerely,

Charles & Camilla

Dear royal peeps,

I’m really beginning to question the authenticity of some of these emails…like the last one, Vern from Vernon?  BWTF?  That’s, of course, a shamanic phrase meaning Bustie White Titty Fuckers, which is Persian for…fine, I’ll bite. 

You should have eloped!  Sure you got some tourism benefits, but jolly old England aint so f-ing jolly anymore.   Save your cash, start pinching some pounds.   Wait, that didn’t work. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and tell Kate about my next Rieki Robotripping Retreat. Don’t worry, she’ll get the royal treatment.  

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Since you are such an erudic chap, maybe you can help me out.  I read this passage somewhere: “I see a fountain bubbling with life. Language is not able to reveal this. For the entire eighth, my son, and that are in it, and the angels, sing a hymn in silence.”  I forget where I found this quote, but that night I had a profound dream, almost a peak experience.  Do you care to comment?  Do you know what it might mean?

Vern

Vernon, NJ

Hey Vern,

Vern from Vernon?  Really?  Sure I am erudic, phonetically.  Actually, I am a rude dick—it think you wanted erudite.  But I know the quote of which you speak.  I found it through a union with the higher realms and the Wikipedia Gods.   Obviously the “fountain bubbling with life” is reference to an ancient CO₂ tap system of some type.  “Language is not able to reveal this” translates as the ineffable buzz of the malt liquor mammas.  “For the entire 8^th” is reference to the finishing of the sacred 8^th pint, in Buddhism this corresponds to the eight pint path.  Once the aspirant chugs the 8^th beer, he or she passes through the challenge of the spin monsters and arrives at enlightenment or, in some cases, the drunk tank.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Either that or it’s about jerking off.  I’m sure it’s one of the two.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you took a header into the gravel outside of Kimball’s last night.  I don’t see how what you are doing can be called spiritual in any way, shape, or form.  I think you even shit yourself!

Dave P.

Turbotville, PA

Dear Dave,

What you call “taking a header” I call a Divine Earth Kiss, besides it couldn’t have been me.  I am banned from Kimball’s.   Either way, it would be in your best interest to read my latest work The Tao of Incontinence.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Could you talk to Eric about getting me back in there?  If they’d let me in I wouldn’t shit myself, now would I?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Any of your legendary workshops coming up?

Sammy Y.

Dear Sammy,

Yes, May 7^th and 8^th. Here is a brief itinerary:

Day One:

11:00AM—My Cthulhu Sweat Lodge is back with, Sweating to the Old Ones, where I will harness your orgasmic sexual energy with help from some Deep Ones (actual harnesses available).

1:00PM—Drinking Heavy Cosmic Bar Crawl

11:00PM—Conference call with Charlie Sheen to discuss ‘winning’ and its implications for an enlightened consciousness. 

Day Two:

7:00AM—Time for the old “get up a collection to bailout your guru, bitches” workshop.  This will help your karma and your budgeting skills

8:00AM—Medicine Wheel Healing Workshop with fluids and oatmeal

10:00AM—Advanced Healing Workshop for those still under the spell of the Hangover Gods

12:00PM—Closing prayer and legal waiver signing, all during the Go Home, Bitches song

The Ghetto (Cash Only)  Shaman

This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:

Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke.  If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there.   It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the “BLOW” IN “BLOW JOB” IS AN EXPRESSION!  This evil machine hammers home that point, literally. 

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  For the record, a friend told me this…

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How come you only promote your own books?  Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?

Marcus

Renton, WA

Dear Marcus,

That could not be farther from the truth!  I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop.  For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck.   He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But if you’re only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I keep getting my ass kicked.  I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well.  Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?

Darby

Petaluma, CA

Dear Darby,

You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!!  I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide.  Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long.  Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.

A note to Charlie:

You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis.  You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana.  You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one.  I can assist you with this.  Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit.  Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses.  So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.

Regrettably, the Ghetto Shaman column will not be featured this week.  The Shaman is doing important community service work this week—work assigned by his parole officer.  Kidding.  Actually, he has flown to Japan to stop a nuclear reactor’s imminent meltdown.  Kidding. Actually, he has flown to California and is currently conducting a critical intervention on Charlie Sheen.  Kidding.  We don’t know where he is and that’s, frankly, not that unusual.

If you would like the Ghetto Shaman to answer your question, please feel free to hit the “Ask Your Question, Bitch” button below.   The Ghetto Shaman post will return next Friday…ish.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?

Kristina H.

Dear Kristina,

I’ve only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie!