The South—Let’s face it, the American way of life isn’t what it used to be.  There are more corn byproducts than apples in our apple pies, tornados are targeting our square states, and J.J. Abrams is single handedly destroying all sci-fi franchises with the word “Star” in their name.  Worst still, chaos has crept slowly into our well-manicured backyards.

Remember the fire ant?  They were our frighteningly violent new neighbors. They would pop up in our yards where we least expect it, chew on our electrical equipment, and set fire to man and beast alike with their evil stings.  We loathed them.  We feared Them! And now, we’ll do anything to have them back.

Yes, something is driving out and eradicating whole colonies of our fine six-legged friends.  Enter the Raspberry Crazy Ant (Nylanderia fulva). And we’re not talking about your Aunt Babsy coming home for Thanksgiving with a fifth of vodka. It’s not that kind of aunt.  These ants initially seem harmless enough; they don’t sting and from a distance they travel in stumbling drunken patterns not unlike the Ghetto Shaman after last call.  It makes you wonder how they are even able to find your house at all.  But once they’ve found you—much like Aunt Babsy after that fifth of vodka—it’s impossible to get them to leave.

Sure fire ant stings cause a unique sort of pain that blazes like a million suns and, sure, once in a while someone would die of anaphylactic shock, but they were the psycho-killer insects we knew.  Much like knowing you’ll get mugged in that dark alley, fire ants were in the places we expected. They live in highly visible, politely cone-shaped mounds out in the yard—mounds you only stepped on if you wanted to die. 

Crazy ants, on the other pincher, move in and set up meth labs in the basement. They multiply in rapid numbers, eating everything from wood to insulation to the Discord pot supply (don’t laugh. That could really effect material).  They’re in our yards and our houses, decimating perfectly clean and happy suburban neighborhoods.  I’m back to the ants again; I know the Discord crew can do that too…it’s why I’m distancing myself from them.

What’s worse, the crazy ants are so hopped up on the chemicals that they consume right in our homes—the stuff even the most ruthless fire ant colonies fear—they now seem even angrier and crazier. I’m talking about the Discord staff this time. They need help.

Some reports even suggest these crazy ant MFs are using the insecticide as sustenance.  They’ve also been spotted carrying away small vertebrates…like lizards, mice, and newborn babies. 

A raspberry crazy ant took my baby! Hmm. It does have a nice ring to it.

I’m assuming their recent behavior is to study us and exploit our weaknesses. Did I mention they do have a lot in common with the Discord staff? Now if only they could carry away Aunt Babsy.  She’s passed out on the floor again… and she’s far from being a small vertebrate.

A dingo took my Babsy! Hmm. I can make this work…

We stand on the cusp of a new era where man and machine will finally merge, creating an ultimate hive mind that does nothing but stare at cute cat pictures on the internet.  While hover boards, flying cars, and moon bases seem distant dreams, there is something to be said for having a device that fits in your pocket and brings you porn on demand. 

However, there’s hope on the tech horizon future as prosthetics developer, Second Sight, announced they have received FDA approval of the Argus II, a bionic retinal implant that has allowed blind patients to see again.  Now you can honestly tell your children, “Yes, you can become a Geordi La Forge-Jason Russell Hybrid when you grow up.”

As interest in wearable technology increases, Google has already announced that it is developing a set of augmented reality glasses, which would allow the wearer to surf the web and complete other mobile computing with just their eyes.  Dubbed Google Glass, their CEO has already apologized for future cross-eyed children, failed college classes, and vehicular damage caused when motorists “Surf and Drive.” 

However, we at the Discord are looking even farther down the road.  Coupled with Google Glasses, recipient of the Argus II implant have the potential to surf the web at any time.  Stuck in a business meeting?  Play Angry Birds with your eyes.   Stuck making small talk with an annoying person?  Bring up Redtube.  They’ll be none the wiser unless you have tightfitting pants.  Those with the Cyber Sight could even web surf in their sleep.  Ride the Poptart Cat Rainbow in your dreams or let your subconscious become the start of its very own porno. The only limit is your own imagination and all the 404 error pages out there!

Of course while you are skull-fucking, the possibility of plugging any part of your brain to the internet creates the opportunity of cranial cyber-attack.  You don’t want to open the wrong file on Piratebay and then end up bringing something home to your wife.  The potential for these Cyber STDs (CSTDs) could be disastrous. HD VD? How is anyone going to be able to read any Discord articles if worms and trojans are taking up all available memory, downloading random things into your brain, or causing a total system shutdown?

Luckily, technology may be able to save us there as well.  According to images recently leaked from the US Patents office, Apple may be developing a watch-like mobile device.   Unofficially, named the iWatch by many Apple fans, this technology can finally allow us to have those Dick Tracy wristwatches we’ve been saving all those box tops for since the 50s.  Coupled with microchip technology, the iWatch has the potential to monitor the wearer’s vitals, including blood sugar, cholesterol levels, and sperm count.  It could detect a heart attack as its happening, bringing up helpful apps to help you update your will, count down the time you have left, and contact the priest, shaman or holy person of your choice.

The Discord has already claimed the trademarks to the iWill, iPriest, iYig, and iDeath apps…well, they would have but they had to go to the virtual pharmacy mall for some cyber ointment.

Late Jurassic Period, Earth – I am standing here in the middle of a Mesozoic marsh where I have sunk the Discord’s company Delorean past the fenders. As I wait for a creepy green puppet to appear and pull my car out of the mud with his mind, I figured I should report this story—a story I broke the boundaries of time and space to tell. There is evidence Global Warming happened in the prehistoric past, but the facts stink!

The theory of Global Warming seems to have been around Gorever (sorry!). It was certainly discussed when I was a wee kindergartener in the late 80’s, but it turns out that the threat and the controversy are far more ancient than was previously believed. Researchers have estimated methane emissions from sauropods may have contributed twice as much greenhouse gas than our modern industrial output.

Many have heard talk of cows and their droppings contributing to greenhouse gasses, but now think of a herd of cows releasing twice as much gas than the past 150 years of automobile exhaust and radio talk show hosts combined (not including Rush Limbaugh, of course). In other words, sauropods, or our friendly long-necked dinosaurs, had such strong flatulence it may have instigated climate change at the end of the Jurassic Period.

I tried interviewing these creatures, but it is difficult to grab the attention of an 85-foot Brachiosaurus with its head munching the tops of some ancient conifers. It is even more treacherous to approach one from behind as wind speeds can reach hurricane like levels, not to mention trying to dodge fecal debris the size of a small car. The smell is also atrocious and it’s everywhere! It’s like they’ve turned the entire Earth into a giant Dutchoven.

This is a politically and gastro-intestinally turbulent time. Local small mammals and herbivores have taken a strong stance on conservation and increasing air and water quality. A group of Progressodons even tried to ban beans and cabbage from all diets, but to no avail. The Republiraptors are up in their very tiny arms about the whole situation. Sayings like From My Cold Dead Bowels are everywhere. This countermovement has been started by a group calling themselves Freedom Farters.

“Screeeeee Screee! Hissss Screeeeeach!” said a white, balding T-Partisaurus in response to the report. 

I am told, from a reliable source, that this loosely translates to “The Discord sucks! And how dare you insult my fellow citizens with your future science when there is no proof that the increase in methane is impacting our climate? Are we not made in Godosaurasus’ image? First they tell us not to take dumps in the water supply, and now they don’t want us to fart! The Democratops have gone too far! I shart in their general direction!”

I tried to explain how the warm, moist environment was already a perfect example of a Greenhouse Earth, but I had to leave before the pack rabid Republiraptors chose to feed rather than discuss scientific issues.

Now, I find myself hiding from a dinosaur lynch mob under a pile of rocks, watching the Delorean disappear into the mud and contemplating how often history repeats itself.  I would beg for someone to send help, but there’s still a bounty on my head in 2012.

Oh, hey, Yoda. A little help?

“Sorry, Busy am I.”

Great. Then may the Farts be with you!

Antarctica –Early February, after twenty years of drilling through thousands of feet of Antarctic ice, the Russians finally reached Lake Vostok. Sadly, being February, most of the researchers died the next night of exposure after their celebratory baby whale roast. Vostok, a fresh water lake sealed off from the Antarctic surface since the early Miocene epoch, has been the source of much speculation. It has attracted the attention of mad scientists, neo Nazis, tinfoil-wearing alien hunters, and even mad-Nazi-tinfoil-wearing Discord reporters. 

Many scientists anticipated the discovery of ancient microbes and extremophiles in the icy waters, but there are some who await larger discoveries (extreme-extremophiles?). Some cling to the hope of finally finding the Loch Ness Monster or another such prehistoric dinosaur. If a large reptile could survive incessant Scottish bagpipe music for centuries, perhaps one might be able to survive in an Antarctic lake.

And every good American knows that where there are dinosaurs there must be oil. Despite reports confirming the water content of the lake, some believe that after 20 million years of isolation, a fossil fuel rich layer may have accumulated on the lakebed. No word from the American Security Council on whether they intend to pursue any Afghan terrorists to Antarctica.

And it may not be the first time Lake Vostok spawned military conflict. Early rumors involve a German submarine crashing into the lake at the end of World War II. This sub may have become a base containing the remains of Eva Braun and Adolf Hitler. Presumably, this base is powered by the oil in the lake. Some worry that the pair of cryogenically frozen Nazi leaders could be cloned and used to herald in a Fourth Reich, or worse yet, some type of Naziassic Park with Nazis riding gestaporaptors?

An artistic rendering of the cross-section of Lake Vostok. Credit: US National Science and a Discord Photoshopper.

Some overlook the ancient past in the hopes of an ancient future, claiming Lake Vostok could contain Ancient Alien technology. Taking certain episodes of Stargate to the extreme, they look forward to discoveries of wrecked spaceships or alien bases. As if hiding Adolf and Eva on a frozen continent weren’t enough, the aliens chose to hide them on Jupiter’s ice moon, Europa, or possibly the forest moon of Endor.

Since the Russians have been so quiet after their first announcement, many of these rumors continue to grow unabated. Early reports confirmed retrieval of water samples from the lake before the drill site closed for the Antarctic winter, but no confirmation on whether the samples contained prehistoric life, mi-go fungus, or even DNA evidence of the third drummer from GWAR. The apparent silence of the Russian government has done little to staunch concerns that members of the drill team did not make the rendezvous to their ships.

This led to a flurry of new accounts of drill team members dying after exposure to the prehistoric water. While the Russian government will not acknowledge the nationality of the alleged victims, there are confirmed sightings of apparently diseased humans wandering the Antarctic shores in an aimless shamble. 

“We thought they were just eager to board their ships,” said Captain Redshirt of the USS Miranda. “At first, we attributed it to the vodka, but, when they bit the Captain of the landing party on the shin, all hell broke loose. It was horrible! Especially when those attacked got up and started wandering about on their own with their entrails in tow. After everyone was infected, they started attacking the penguins. The Pittsburgh hockey team was recently exiled there after losing the first round of the playoffs. “

Doctors hesitate to officially declare people “zombies”, since they seem to still be alive from a distance. This has not stopped locals from proclaiming this a zombie plague or, worse yet, a sobriety outbreak. However, scientists and the Russian government argue that no biological samples have been collected to confirm a bacterial or viral cause, as no ships are willing to approach shore due to fears of being attacked—even when we point out their vodka supplies are untouched! With even worse Antarctic weather approaching, the opportunity for rescue or research is closing. Scientists, however, are hopeful.

“At the moment we are not overly concerned about acquiring samples,” said marine biologist, Dr. E. Ripley, “as the Arctic winter will preserve the bodies nicely… assuming they’re in the same place come the spring.”

What has the environmentalists up in arms is the impact this plague is having on the local wildlife, which mostly consists of non-migratory penguins of the Pittsburgh variety. 

“It’s hard to tell which penguins are affected and which aren’t,” said Dr. Ripley. “Even normal penguins mill around aimlessly most of the time, but it’s the reports of flocks turning on each other in a blood bath that have most of us concerned. That’s definitely not normal penguin behavior, even among the Pittsburgh variety.”

Thankfully, there have been no sightings of a zombie Hitler or Eva Braun among the growing horde.

“The possibility of Nazi-zombie penguins on an endless quest of destruction should concern us all,” said Dr. Ripley. “They’re bad enough with hockey sticks and ice skates, but it’s the cute, small, feathery ones that are the most dangerous.”

The only Discord-obtained Photoshop from the Russian Drill 5-G in Antarctica