I, Dave Atsals, may be looking for work soon. If any of you know of a position open for someone totally unqualified to do anything but sit on a barstool and shoot pool, let me know. My employment at the local flooring center may have hit bottom. Just be thankful they edited out the ‘pulling the rug out from under me’ joke. I had to meet with the head of human resources yesterday, which I believe has something to do with our HR department. There, we reviewed my growing list of misdeeds. I have listed the funniest five for your enjoyment. Mr. Winslow said listing them all would put too much of a strain on our server.

1. Peeing in a mop bucket on a sales floor is not permitted and will not be tolerated in the future.
2. Peeing outside on a dumpster with people loading up flooring in clear view is not acceptable either. If you must, use the mop bucket. (OK, I added that last part.)
3. Asking a customer if their breasts are real or slightly cosmetically altered is grounds alone for termination as it clearly violates our sexual harassment policy.
4. Making up your own names for carpet products will no longer be tolerated. You must start calling them by their proper names. For example, no referring to “spring mist carpet” as summer’s eve hump.” Similarly, “magic fresh carpet” should not be referred to as “anti-stink” or “hung under your armpits.”
5. Asking customers if they will keep you if you follow them home, and to feel how hard your eraser is, will no longer be tolerated moving forward. Neither is making cow or pig noises behind the back of our slightly overweight patrons.

I wish I could say I was making this up, but those who know me understand it’s all part of a complex and difficult-to-treat personality disorder. Or at least that’s what that shrink-wanna-be, Zano, keeps telling me.

I then explained my side of the story, point by point, in reverse order:

5.   Yes, I am really sorry about the pig noises. The oink stops here. But the fact is these people were not slightly overweight, but morbidly obese and often dressed as if this fact were news to them. Hell, a few even smelled bad. What do they expect?

4.   I already apologized for making up my own names for your carpets, but quite frankly your names suck. I cannot look that 6’6″ man in the eye and tell him that carpet named “Teddy Bear” would be a great fit for him.

3.   If she did not want a comment on her breasts, she shouldn’t have been flopping them around in my face. This isn’t a ‘blame the victim’ thing, it’s a blame the surgeon thing. Did you see those puppies?

2.   I am sorry for taking a leak outside, but trust me Billy Bob did not mind. He told me earlier they had no running water at their house so I was trying to make him feel more at home—just as you instruct me to. And, yes Mr. Billy Bob, I am sorry your wife saw my manhood, but that wasn’t the first time, so relax.

1.   Well, I guess there was no excuse for this, but it was funny as hell! Ask anyone. Except the victims, of course.

The head of HR was not really impressed with my answers for some reason and a lecture ensued. She stated, “Dave these are not the only things you’ve done to jeopardize your employment. Just your general day to day attitude needs an adjustment for you to continue working here. There will be no more standing still with a sign in your hand like a manikin and yelling “BOOOO!” to scare customers. You also really upset that older women when you told her she better buy today, because it didn’t look like she’ll be around much longer. Switching the men and women signs on restroom so the male owner walks in on two women using the stalls…well, let’s just say, not that good at all.”

Because of all this I would like to stay in front of the curve and get a jump on any new employment prospects. My resume is all ready posted on this website. Now I had better get back to work. There’s a fat woman with fake tits heading to the restroom. If I change the signs before the owner gets out of the men’s room. Heh, heh…it will be a real classic if he took his blue pill this morning.