In related news, the promo for Sharknado 3 depicts a shark in space with the caption: “Oh hell NO!”
Pillowbuster? Obama Orders Three More Pillows For Thomas, Roberts, And Alito
by Mick Zano •
Washington—In the wake of the suspicious death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama is implementing Operation: Pillow Fight. The President’s plan is to order three more pillows to remove the last three conservative justices from the bench, with prejudice. President Obama said, “There is only three people standing in the way of a liberal legislative nirvana and I think we all know who they are. So repeal and replace this, bitches. ” He then told critics today he will not require approval from Congress and can proceed with this triple homicide on an Executive Order. If this mission is successful and four Supreme Court Justice vacancies become open in the near future, the President has not ruled out nominating all of the members of Nickelback.
Pope Demands to See Trump’s Baptismal Certificate
by Mick Zano •
The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the criticism that “he is not a true Christian” by saying, “Who is more Christian than me? The meek love me; they love me. Remember the trials of Joab? Yeah, if I were President he would have had a Joab and he wouldn’t have had to hang out inside a friggin’ fish all day. Teach a man to fish and I have some casino charter boats to show him.” In related news, the staffer who attempted to correct The Donald on his biblical prowess is currently Joab hunting.
Pope Condones Use Of Contraception To Combat Zika: “But Only For The Mosquito”
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Zika, a disease associated with encephalitis and microcephaly, continues to spread across the globe at an alarming rate. Its main mode of transmission remains mosquitoes, sexual intercourse, or sharing needles with sexually active mosquitoes (SAMs). Pope Francis rocked the Christian world today when he announced his support of using contraception, in certain instances, to combat Zika. Unfortunately, he then clarified his statement. The Pope is essentially only approving condom use for those mosquitoes who may be carrying the dreaded disease.
Comedian Davey Latour Has A Question For Donald Trump
by Mick Zano •
Dear GOP, I Think You’re Choking On Something
by Mick Zano •
A headline over on Drudge yesterday read “Christians Under Siege!” Yes, I took the bait and made the mistake of reading the whole article. The assaults on Christianity are always a variation of the same two: Christians are now forced to watch other people marry the person they love and/or not everyone says “Merry Christmas” as enthusiastically as our Founding Father’s envisioned. Some people even have the audacity to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” on December 25th .…you know, Saturnalia. The main point of this same article shifted to southern Christian conservatives burden to make sure they choose the right, God-fearing candidate. This is a tremendous burden, indeed, as they must decide whether their party should tack stupid, or tack reeeally stupid. I think if Hercules had to choose between these jokers, he’d be like, “Can I just wrestle the giant squid again, please?”
Did You Catch The Republican Debate? It Was The Usual
by Mick Zano •
Wife of Indian Man Struck And Killed by Meteorite Suing Asteroid Belt For Wrongful Death
by Mick Zano •
Vellore, IN—Last week without warning or provocation a meteorite slammed into the Earth, killing one and injuring three. Rayja Sinhi told reporters today she plans to sue the entire asteroid belt for her husband’s death. “We must send a clear message to all radicalized space rocks,” said Mrs. Sinhi. “I won’t be satisfied until the asteroid belt is downgraded to the Great Cosmic Dust Patch!”
There is mounting fear in the U.S. that the incident may represent the first wave of similarly homicidal cosmic debris. Senator John Q. Republican told reporters today, “We should fear both the lone-wolf-style attack as well as instances when they organize into more formidable meteor showers. We need to fight them in the dark, cold void of space, so we won’t have to fight them here on Earth. When I’m President I will force Mexicans to build a giant wall around the stratosphere itself to protect American interests. If that Hindu fella’ was carrying a concealed weapon, this might have ended very differently. This is why I am proposing we expand existing Stand Your Impact-Crater laws in my state. I don’t want giant circles pocking up my square state. It reminds me of a Roger Daltrey quote, ‘Look again, rock is dead.'”
Albright Clarifies “Special Place In Hell For Women Who Don’t Vote Hillary” Comment
by Mick Zano •
“I meant, the circle of hell where they stick hot coals up your ass and demons forever eat off your tits.”
—Madeleine Albright
Utah’s Haunted Peery Hotel: The Ghost Of Mormons Past
by Mick Zano •
The Peery Hotel is a groovy old western hotel located near the heart of downtown Salt Lake City. What’s even better is how it’s a stone’s throw away from Squatters and Red Rock Brewery. I know, because after they threw me out I think I was able to hit both of them from my hotel window. This is my second trip to SLC and, whereas the city was better equipped to deal with me this time, I don’t think it was so much my improved behavior as their improved beer laws…which still suck. The ghost investigation was among the most intense team S.T.Q. has ever experienced, but mostly due to the aforementioned shitty beer laws (SBLs @ SLC?).