Bohemian Monarchy?
Angus Young Finally Graduates High School: He’s Being Asked To Return His School Uniform
by Mick Zano •
Sydney, AU—The lead guitarist for the popular Australian rock band AC/DC, Angus Young, is back in the news today. The rock legend is finally receiving his high school diploma from Ashfield Boys High School Academy in Sydney, Australia. Young has attended the school on and off since 1976 and has now met all of his high school equivalency credits. The snafu with this achievement came in the form of a letter from the headmaster, demanding Angus return his official high school uniform by the end of the school day.
Coming Soon! The Jethro Tull Is Now Aqualung Tour
by Mick Zano •
RNC Offers Trump An Alternative Role: Prime Minister Of Iraq
by Mick Zano •
The Grand Old Party has a different approach to harness the power of The Donald. During a recent phone conversation, RNC Chair, Reince Priebus, offered Trump a “more suitable position for his talents.” Mr. Priebus told the press today, “Iraq needs a strong man and the Republican party needs an electable one.” When asked how he convinced Mr. Trump to accept this new role, Priebus said, “I told him, think of all the global respect you’ll gain by forcing Mexicans to build a wall along the Syrian border. And then I said, hey, maybe casinos aren’t big in ISIS controlled territory because no one has tried them there yet.”
Clinton Downplaying Pending Presidential Pantsuit Shortage
by Mick Zano •
Immigration Reform? Let’s Deport Every Republican Politician
by Mick Zano •
I got it! Let’s keep the “illegals” and load Congress onto buses. How about that for comprehensive immigration reform? I can see it now, Louis Armstrong singing What A Wonderful World, a chirping cartoon bird landing on your shoulder, a bill some day passing Congress. Think about it, a line of buses heading south with all those do-nothing politicians. Eleven million deportations isn’t possible, nor ethical, but 247 politicians? Think of the money the tax payers could save! It’s kind of what will happen to The GOP in the near future anyway, so I just want to hasten the process. And don’t worry, Pokey, they can all be short ones.
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Alternate Street Parking
by Mick Zano •
Syria—The leader of ISIS, who wished to remain locationless, is claiming responsibility for what many in urban areas are calling “a major pain in the ass.” Alternate Street Parking remains a huge inconvenience for urban drivers, who risk fines or towing if they mistakenly park their car on the wrong side of the street overnight. Whereas Jihadists groups are claiming responsibility for this urban-fine-accruing-tactic (UFAT), many radicals groups are falling short of supporting downtown two-hour parking mandates and other meter-maid activities. “We may be jihadists, but we’re not complete assholes,” said local radical, Jihadi Jackson.
Hadron Collider Finds Evidence Of Benghazite: A Fictional Particle That Comprises Right Wing Scandals
by Mick Zano •
Newark, NJ—Scientists believe they have discovered evidence of the delusional particle responsible for a long list of misunderstood political scandals. Currently many false political narratives are only visible to republicans under the influence of AM radio or Fox News. Physicists at Newark’s Large Propaganda Taxsinkrotron collided a particle of feces with a particle of Newtrino. Physicist, Dr. Ramenoodledan, explains, “We obtained the feces from AM radio host Rush Limbaugh’s mouth and the Newtrino from one of Newt Gingrich’s x-wives. Upon smashing these two atoms together at near light speed, we believe we have discovered the building blocks of the Republican mythos.” The particle is being hailed as a major breakthrough in political low-energy physics. Jeb Bush was unavailable for comment.
