Brussels, BE—If the German Prime Minister, Angela Merkel, was trying to portray a strong and resolute European Union today, she did nothing of the sort. She arrived at the latest EU conference to discuss the details of The United Kingdom’s withdrawal carrying three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. Sweden, Finland, and Spain did not even get one as Merkel apparently did not “bring enough for everybody.”
In Uncharacteristic Move Dalai Lama Slaps Lady Gaga Across The Face
by Mick Zano •
“I’m changing the main tenant of Buddhism from Harm None, to Harm One, which is still relatively pacifistic.”
—Dalai Lama
9th Benghazi Committee Concludes It Would Have Been Cheaper To Make Smoking Gun Out Of Diamonds
by Mick Zano •
First Clinton/Trump Debate To Take Place In Dante’s Fourth Circle Of Hell
by Mick Zano •
The Fourth Circle of Hell—Many are questioning the devil’s decision to host the first presidential debate. What’s even more disturbing for some is Lucifer’s choice to hold the event in the fourth circle. Dante’s Hell has a total of nine circles, and four bathrooms, but recent national polling indicates the majority of Americans feel the debate should be held in a much lower circle.
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Smell At Maloney’s!
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—Maloney’s Pub, located in historic downtown Flagstaff, has been a local favorite for many NAU college students unfamiliar with the taste of good beer. The origins of the smell—which patrons describe as a stale uriney, frat-style vomit—remained a mystery, until now…
Brexit Woes Worsen! Big Ben Shows Up At Famous Vegas Pawn Shop
by Mick Zano •
England Purchased By The Daily Discord For A Thousand Bitcoins!
by Mick Zano •
Buckingham Palace—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is “as surprised as anyone” after learning he was able to purchase jolly old England for just under the estimated worth of the Daily Discord.com. Winslow told reporters today, “I actually took a page from Zano, I know, weird. We need to know the conservative position on everything so we can adopt the exact opposite strategy. With crisis comes opportunity, or in this case a once sovereign nation.” Winslow then went on to say, “The sun never sets on The Discord empire!” and then recited a highly inappropriate version of Churchill’s speech, before being dragged away by the authorities.
England’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, called to congratulate The Daily Discord today on their recent purchase. He declined, however, an invitation to join The Discord’s Naked Newcastle Naughty-Bits barcrawl. “I think I will leave that dubious honor to my replacement. In fact, I was actually planning to stick around until October, but now I’m planning my own rather hastened retreat. I’m calling it Optimus Primexit. Get it? Hah!”
U.S. To Save England Second Time With Specially Prepared American Meat
by Mick Zano •
Foxidation: A Form Of Brain Atrophy Linked To Fox News Viewing
by Mick Zano •
Liberal V Delusional has always been a main theme here in ZanoLand. Instead of just covering known cognitive distortions and how they relate to today’s politics, I would like to submit my own term for beer review ….uh, peer review. I have already covered political propaganda for years, and yet I still have no idea why these techniques are so wildly effective on reasonably intelligent people. This is supposed to be the Age of Information, so how does AM radio and rightwing media still appeal to so many? Stranger still, their audiences wait frothing at the mouth for their next erroneous prediction. Assical Conditioning? Make no mistake, it’s happening on the left as well. I have stood by the mixed effectiveness of such tactics on liberals, until now. Millennials are gullible little shits and the gap is quickly closing. In fact, I think they’ve already replaced mine with a Spencer Gifts.
This Day In Future History: President Trump Sends Last Of Sanders Supporters To Internment Camps
by Mick Zano •
In related news:
Trump denies spelling internment wrong on Twitter. Merriam Webster issues a formal apology to Emperor Trump.
