I’ve been predicting the demise of the GOP for years, but is it inevitable? How do we shift toward more meaningful discourse? How do we bring the marginalized back into the conversation, you know, before they form the Christian Republican State In the South (CRSIS)? …with CRSIS comes opportunity? These racial divisions are symptoms of a greater illness. The paranoia and neurotic nationalism gripping our planet is the growing pangs of the inevitable shift toward globalization. Fear and bigotry are fueling this Brexitesque romanticism. We have one group struggling to muddle forward and the other scratching and clawing their way back into some cave. How do we embrace the future with nearly half our country is still swinging from the trees and thumping their chest at trespassers? Republicans in the Mist?
In Show Of Force Trump Executes VP Pick On Live Television
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—During a press conference today, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump spent nearly a half an hour rambling on a wide range of topics, ranging from how talented he is to how untalented everyone else is. Finally, Trump got around to announcing his choice for Vice President, “World, I give you the next Vice President of the United States, the Governor of Indiana, Michael Pence! Oh, and Pence, you’re FIRED!” He then proceeded to pull out a Beretta M-9 out of his pocket and assassinated the Governor on live television. Trump explained his actions, “I don’t want what almost happened in Turkey to happen to me in Cleveland or beyond. These #NeverTrump people—and I hate to call them people—but these folks have some bad ideas. They’re bad. I am not taking any shit, so read my lips, No New Feces. I am therefore nominating myself for Vice President of the United States. Who better than me to have my own back? It’s two for the price of one. It’s win-win.”
Ahead Of Convention Republicans Huddle Around Reagan Library Statue For Strength
by Mick Zano •
Botanist Discovers Trump’s Hair A Form Of Aquatic Chia-Pet
by Mick Zano •
Noah’s Ark Replica Inadvertently Kills Two Of Every Animal In 3 KM Radius In Western Brazil
by Mick Zano •
Admiral General Aladeen Denies Being Vetted For Trump VP
by Mick Zano •
Trump Leaves RNC Chair Locked In Hot Car With Windows Rolled Up
by Mick Zano •
And This Is Anton “Checkov” Yelchin’s Other Car
by Mick Zano •
Not Again! Bill Clinton Follows Attorney General Into Ladies’ Room At Harrah’s
by Mick Zano •
Las Vegas, NV—Former President Bill Clinton is back in the news today after tracking down Attorney General Loretta Lynn at Harrah’s Casino in Vegas. According to witnesses, Lynch tried to duck away by entering the restroom, but Mr. Clinton followed her right in. Both are denying any wrongdoing. According to Lynch, Bill Clinton never mentioned his wife’s investigation, but rather the two talked about the smell, how they both prefer the Fremont area of Vegas, and the disturbing lack of urinals.
Harbingers of Dumb? More Signs This 240 Year Experiment In Democracy Is Winding Down
by Mick Zano •
I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane Republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer), Andrew Sullivan (blogger extraordinaire) and the grandpa of the party, George Will. Where are they now, you ask? Well, Frum is still fighting the good fight over at the Beast, but even he admits his party broke from reality long ago, here. Andrew Sullivan nearly went mad trying to reform the GOP and finally stopped Dishing it out all together. And, last week, George Will announced he switched from Republican to unaffiliated. This means he may well struggle now when choosing an appropriate public restroom. Upon Will’s departure Trump immediately Tweetomized him here. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about The GOP, but there are signs all across the globe the scheiss is about to hit the lufter.