Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

During Historic White House Meeting President-Elect Donald Trump Marks His Territory

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A Secret Service agent stands on the North Lawn at the White House in Washington, Friday, May 20, 2016, as the White House is placed on lockdown after there are reports of shots fired near West Executive Ave. and Pennsylvania Ave. (AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)

Washington, DC—President-elect Donald J. Trump stood definitely in front of the South Lawn entrance of the White House and urinated in a bush. Just a little. He then, with magnificent bladder control, the best bladder control, repeated the procedure in several bushes before entering the White House. A group of reporters shouted questions at Trump. One asked if he planned to also pee inside the White House. Donald Trump told reporters, after the shake, “All options are on the table and, yes, I will be peeing on the table.” He then turned to face reporters with a zip. “I plan to work closely with Mr. Obama over the next ten weeks, so close that, yes, I will mark him as well. (Grunt). This transition will be quick and smooth as I am now the top dog. I have the best transition people working on this. And Melania has already picked out the color scheme and the statues and those Vegas column facades. Gold will be very prominent, because after I screw this shit up we’re going to need to hock that shit.”

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Putin Is “As Surprised As Anyone” Majority Of Americans Elected Him As Write-In Candidate

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Moscow—Russian President, and now U.S. President, Vladimir Putin is denying any wrongdoing in the outcome of the U.S. presidential election on Tuesday. The final tally shows him defeating both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump by a landslide. As a write-in candidate, Putin topped 75 million votes in Newark, New Jersey alone. After CNN called the election moments after polls opened, Putin had this to say, “Even though I am not technically registered in any of the 50 states, that I now rule over, we will leave the final decision up to the Supreme Court that I just appointed, last night. Sorry, I flunked out of electoral college.”

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Secret Service: Reno “Good Practice” For When Trump Policies Go Into Effect

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Reno, NV—Donald Trump was ushered off stage Saturday by Secret Service amidst a campaign rally after one of his supporters shouted “Fire Him!” in a crowded theater. Although the incident in Reno proved to be a false alarm, the Secret Service is hailing the event as “good preparation” for the increased challenges and risks associated with keeping a dictatorial moron safe for the next 4 to 8 years. The Secret Service will be conducting more such drills and expanding their repertoire to include nuclear drills, chemical warfare drills, as well as Rosie O’Donnell Sniper-attack Incident Exercises (ROSIEs).

We asked the head of the Secret Service, Bob, what a Trump Administration might mean for his organization. “We plan to be ready for all contingences,” said Bob. “It’s going to be like Olympus Has Fallen, London Has Fallen and ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ combined. On that note, we’re going to get him one of those Life Alert bracelets too. If we’re all partying hard in the Blue Room, we’ll just let those people handle it. We are also upgrading our nuclear war drills. Now we all crawl under the same grade-school desk for safety. It’s kind of like when a bunch of people climb into VW Bug. If Trump wins, we’re going to have grade-school desks scattered all around the White House, so we can have a safe location for Mr. Trump to tweet the nuclear codes #1234567BOOM!.”

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The Pantsuit Prophecies: Hillary Hate & Her Scandals Deciphered

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How is a Trump Administration still a thing in November 2016? Extinction is fine, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing. Why are patriotic people so bent on our destruction? Some of you are saying, “It’s all of the Hillary scandals!” You are correct, you simply neglected to add the word ‘bullshit’ before the word scandals. The Hillary witch hunt is perhaps the greatest affront to reason in the 21st century, and that’s saying something when republican’s comment on stuff everyday. I find myself in the strange position of defending the Great White Pantsuit. A summary of her scandals range from no wrong doing, all the way to very little wrongdoing. Wow. You do know she’s a politician, right? Can we at least agree on that much? There’s no way anyone in history could withstand this kind of decade-after-decade scrutiny, yet she remains strong. Let’s compare her with the best R president in the last fifty years, who illegally funded the Iran Contras and helped create Al-Qaeda. Out of respect, I left out his questionable performance in Bedtime For Bonzo. Hillary would have created Al-Qaeda, but she was too busy creating ISIS.

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