Paid for by the Partnership for a Republican Free America.
Trump Hints At Cabinet Positions For Ogie Ogilthorpe, Screaming Buffalo, And Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken
by Mick Zano •
This Day In Future History: Casino Chip Offered At Trump Soup Lines
by Mick Zano •
Breaking: Castro Trampled In Miami Walmart!
by Mick Zano •
Miami, Fl—News is breaking that Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro did not die peacefully in his Havana Home as initial reports suggested. The Cuban leader was apparently trampled to death after a fight for the last pair of Bluetooth earbuds at a Walmart Supercenter in east Miami. Fidel Castro’s brother, Raul, made a statement to the press, explaining how his brother “hated his shitty earbuds” and wanted something he could “really jam to.” Raul warns his brother’s death has once again escalated tensions between the U.S. and Cuba. “We are calling this the Cuban Headphone Crisis, even though it didn’t happen in Cuba,” said Raul. “We are working on a better name.”
Spewnami? Discord’s Zano Unleashes All The Beer He’s Been Chugging Since Election Day
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—The town of Flagstaff is still under several feet of foam at this hour after The Discord’s Mick Zano vomited in Biblical proportions. One hipster who witnessed the event described it as “retching some serious suddage.” Satellite imagery shows a foam flow not seen in the southwest since Zano attended Matt Mathewson’s Naked Hillbilly Party last spring. Just as Donald Trump became the projected winner, the Discord contributor began chugging massive quantities of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Zano explains, “I have to acclimate to shitty beer now, since the election of Ass-Clown Hitler. Drinking large amounts seemed justified in light of the economic carnage to come. Masochism is fine, I suppose, in the right club, in the right mood, wearing the right Wonder Woman costume. I Marvel how Republicans still think they’re right about stuff, and not in a cool Gotham-vigilante kind of way.”
President Obama To Pardon 61,607,950 American Turkeys!
by Mick Zano •
On Day One Trump To Pardon All Of His Campaign Promises
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump released his reversed agenda today in a series of presidential Tweets. Apparently, he is already reneging on his promise to throw Hillary Clinton in jail, which has angered several of his top aides as well as former President Bill Clinton, who shouted, “Donald! I thought we had a deal, you bastard!” Mr. Trump is also backing down on his immigration policy, marriage equality, and the war on drugs. There is even a rumor Trump plans to keep Obamacare, but just change the name to TrumpNOcare. The President-elect told The Discord today, “I’m going to keep all of the good stuff, like the death panels, enrollment complications, and even those soaring premiums everyone’s been talking about. And you can’t change your mind on something like climate change, because the word change is right in the title.”
