Quickly, to the Batshit signal!
Bob Dylan Sends Heartfelt Tweet To Nobel Comittee
by Mick Zano •
This Day In Future History: Obama Library Leveled For Expansion Of The Donald Youth Movement Headquarters
by Mick Zano •
Trump Clears Up Time’s Devil Horns Controversy: “The Horns Were Given To Me By Satan”
by Mick Zano •
“Lucifer said I am his best guy. His best. And soon my horns will be so bigly even my hair won’t be able to hide that shit.”
—The Donald
The Heat Miser Gets The Nod To Head EPA
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In a move that many are calling passive aggressive, Trump has “changed his mind” on who he plans to have head the Environmental Protection Agency. Earlier today the President-elect announced Oklahoma Attorney General Scot Pruitt would be filling this position, but the wave of backlash prompted a series of presidential tweets and ultimately a reversal. In the new Rose Garden Tweet Forum, Mr. Trump just announced that the infamous Heat Miser is “the best marionette for the job.”
Surviving Actors And Entertainers Huddle In Death-Proof Subterranean Bunker For Remainder Of 2016
by Mick Zano •
Hollywood, CA—The last surviving members of the Screen Actors Guild are holed up in a an undisclosed location, where they hope to thwart the actions of the Grim Reaper for the remaining days of 2016. Death, who was recently nominated as the Times Person Of The Year, is reportedly “really trying to clench that shit.” In desperation, the film and entertainment industry is striking back, by burrowing. Liberal actors have worked closely with some Bond and Batman villains to create a safe-space, deep in the earth’s crust.”
Trump Wall Mistakenly Built Around Mexican Hat, Utah
by Mick Zano •
Mexican Hat, UT—The 27 residence of Mexican Hat, Utah were shocked by the commotion early Monday morning. Many community members report being awoken to the work of hundreds of Mexicans, busily erecting a giant structure around their town. Mayor Bob was flabbergasted and dumbfounded. “I know those are both synonymous,” said Mayor Bob, “but it’s still true. We are 600 miles from the Mexican border. I don’t know how this will stop immigration. What this will do is negatively impact all five of our businesses here in town. He’s not even president yet, so what does that asshole think he’s doing? Mr. Trump tear down this wall!”
Founding Father Has Message For Floundering Mother F**kers
by Mick Zano •
Bannon: Unsure If He Can Hide The Hitler Mustache For Next Four Years
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Donald Trump’s chief White House strategist, Stephen “Steve” Bannon is unsure if his finger will be enough to hide his small Hitler-style mustache throughout the entire Trump Administration. Mr. Bannon, best known for a slew of disreputable websites such as Breitbart.com, told The Discord, “I have been using several techniques to cover the stashe, such as the cough, sneezing fit, or, for long meetings, epic prayer stance. I was thinking about just buying the smallest spit mask I can find on eBay. It would hide the Hitler mustache and, let’s face it, a spit mask is Trumppropriate. That’s a word now, well, it will be when Trumpipedia replaces those Wiki fucks. In fact, I think he’s going to make his Secretary of State where steampunk goggles and a mohawk. This is going to be a badass administration, or just bad and ass.”
