Trump claims his decision to start wearing an eye patch is a “coincidence”.
Ozzy Agrees To Inauguration Gig: “Only If I Can Play ‘Crazy Train’ And ‘War Pigs'”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump has an offer by Ozzy Osbourne to perform at his inauguration ceremony in January. Trump met with Ambassador Osbourne and was reportedly “very impressed” with the scope and breadth of his knowledge of politics and music. The old rocker agreed to the gig, “if and only if” he could follow a specific play list, in a particular order: Paranoid, War Pigs, Crazy Babies, Bark at the Moon and Crazy Train. Ozzy told the Discord today, “I am totally F***ing (???? possibly stoked) about being asked to this thing in January. I hope that the ?????? allows me and mine to rip some ??????, ’cause that’s what it’s really all about in the end.”
Trump’s Intelligence Briefings Available In Large Print, Pop-Up, & Scratch & Sniff
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The intelligence community is sparing no expense to find a more suitable method to convey sensitive information to President-elect Ass-Clown Hitler. Although many Americans report a strange comfort in the fact Trump is not reviewing classified material, there remains serious concern that he is woefully unprepared to navigate the political and military fortunes of this nation. Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, “At least George W. Bush was willing to have the intelligence briefings read to him over some hot chocolate and cookies. Sure he was napping most of the time, but the intent was there. And he would perk up with a question now and again, like: is Allahak Bar near Kanda Bar? Or, are we out of Reddi-Whip again?”
Zano Now Considered A Political Dissident: Fear Not! Trump Thinks Dissident Is A Denture Cleanser
by Mick Zano •
Ohio Elector Cornered In Toledo Starbucks
by Mick Zano •
Toledo, OH—One of the designated electors for Ohio is currently trapped in a Starbucks, near the laptop bar. Tensions are mounting over Monday’s electoral college vote and nowhere is this tension more palpable than in Toledo. Jesse Smith was enjoying her triple grande salted carmel mocha at her local Starbucks when someone shouted, “Hey, she’s one of the Ohio electors for the electoral high school!” A second patron then shouted, “No, she’s one of the Ohio electors for the electoral college!” Within minutes Trump hate signs were hoisted, the crowd surrounded Mrs. Smith, and she was unable to reach the much-needed straw and napkin area.
First Footprints Suggest Early Humans Were “Drunk As Shit”
by Mick Zano •
Ethiopian Pour-Over—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has posited a new and controversial theory of human bipedal development. Dr. Hogbein explains, “Early man had either some piss poor balance or a high blood alcohol content. My research supports the latter. Essentially man was forced to walk great distances in the early Pleistocene, because the pubs of the time were so far apart. I believe bipedal locomotion itself can be attributed to the obvious benefits of standing during flip cup, chandelier, and several other early Australofraterneritus drinking games. We also know the precursor to beer pong was played with boulders, which may explain the extinction of the Neanderthals, who archeological evidence suggests preferred Quarters or Mexican.”
This Day In Future History: Trump Doubles Number Of Canadian Mounties Patrolling Our Southern Border
by Mick Zano •
In related news: Trump changes all GPS and road maps to reflect his understanding of direction.
Invasion Update: Alien Civilization Shifts from ‘Wait & See’ Mode to ‘Extermination’ Phase
by Mick Zano •
Rigel IV—Glacdar, head of the Orion Colonies of Galacia, alerted key world leaders today that a Galacian fleet will be reaching Earth in five solar cycles at which time its occupants will be eradicated. The Galacian overlord is citing Brexit and the election of Donald Trump as the impetus for the drastic change in foreign policy. Glacdar told the UN today, “We purchased the Earth from the Florpranglers over seven Earth centuries ago, but it was a risky proposition even then. Florpranglers are reviled across the universe for lumping numerous subprime-planets into questionable real estate packages. We were hoping you Fleepnoids would manage to pull your Pracplox out of your Droikholes, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious we will have to liquidate our assets. We will do this by liquidating your asses. Hah! That one killed them on Clamulus V. No really, 4-billion Clamulans were exterminated in that fashion.”This Day In Future History: Trump To Privatize Government Internment Camps
by Mick Zano •
Sierra Vista, AZ—The Head of Homeland Incarceration, Sherriff Joe Aripio, is pleased to announce the opening of a Delaware-sized prison in the heart of the U.S. Sonaran desert. President Trump told the press today, “This is huge. No, really, it’s a big place. By allowing the free market to work we are shifting the management of the majority of our National Camps to the best internment people. The best. This will help out the tax payer bigly, because I got Mexicans and liberals to build the thing! Not only can we all save some money on this deal, we can keep minorities in a safe place. Not forever. We just don’t know which side people are on anymore, because, let’s face it, I’ve pissed off everybody—even that Russian asshole who got me elected. We just want to keep minorities safe and sound while we figure it all out.” When asked to elaborate on “figuring it all out” Trump said, “Well, whether or not they’re really white enough. Deep down.”
The Creeps Now Run Gotham: The Batshit Signal To Be Dismantled
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—On day one President-elect Donald Trump plans to close the controversial Arkham Sanitarium and tear down the Batshit signal once and for all. Many are now questioning The Donald’s motives as these items were not among his many campaign promises. The closing of Arkham is being met with bipartisan criticism as the facility contains some of the most psychiatrically unstable individuals in the country. Mr. Trump is denying allegations the asylum is empty now because many of the residents have already been chosen for a wide array of important cabinet positions. Donald Trump argued, “That’s just a coincidence. Sure I picked some talent from that side of the tracks and, spoiler alert, my Secretary of State is currently in isolation in their forensic unit. This guy is the best diplomat. The best. Other country’s will fall into line, otherwise he does this cool little candygram thing with the ambassador’s corpse.”