Trump to sign an executive order saying, “My bad.” Kidding, he’s blaming Bannon’s secretary.
Mick Zano’s Manifest Demstiny Or Go Left, Young Man!
by Mick Zano •
Back around 1840, Horace Greely encouraged pioneers to “go west, young man” with decidedly mixed results. He likely made this proclamation safely from a Greenwich Village pub. In that spirit of spirits, on this the first day of the week, aka Mojito Monday, I’m encouraging a shift progressiveward. Half measures will no longer suffice (see: Obamacare, or Hillary Campaign). Go big, or go Rome. We must run on a more progressive platform. Republicans keep doubling down on their wrongness, so why not double down on our rightness? Novel idea, eh? If you follow political trends, our nation tends to muddle through under liberal-centrists, but struggles mightily under more conservative leadership. So let’s do something completely different! Let’s break away from the indifferent model. We’ve thoroughly vetted the pragmatic political passivity approach, which, like that depressed body builder, stopped working out. Apapathetic?
Trump To Use ‘Reagan Wrap’ To Block Out Voices In His Head
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump signed an executive order, today, demanding that former President Barack Obama vacate his head immediately. The White House was originally calling this a series of ‘wire tapping’ incidents, but is now referring to them as ‘voices’ inside the President’s brain. Trump describes these voices as incessant and derogatory. Fine, he said, “They’re constantly saying nasty shit! Very nasty shit, these voices! Bad! Very bad!” In an attempt to drown out Mr. Obama’s unwanted input, the sitting President of the United States has enlisted the aid of NASA. In response to the President’s desperate request, NASA has created a substance to block these liberal transmissions, a presidential-grade Aluminum foil called Reagan Wrap.
Trump’s Vow To Top Obama’s Total Scandals In First 30 Days Falls Short
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Despite attacks from the press, President Trump remained focused on the positives today, mainly, how many negatives he has accumulated in such a short period of time. When asked specifically about his promise to have more scandals than Obama in his first 30 days, Trump maintained how his administration is still on an unprecedented scandal pace (USP). “Obama had too many scandals over his eight years to possibly beat in the first month,” said Trump, “Besides, Republicans are also counting all of those scandals that were more like invented controversies. I don’t know what a Benghazi is, do you? I think they have those at that kosher bakery over on 3rd and Main. Despite all of the bullshit, we were very close to topping Obama’s overall numbers. One more week and we should be golden. See, I even have a golden showers scandal already. I did my part. It’s not my fault a few of my appointees haven’t resigned in disgrace yet.”
February Downgraded to Monthatoid
by Mick Zano •
Trump To Pay For Military Budget Hike By Cutting Overtime Pay For Political Fact-Checkers
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Members of Politifact, FactCheck.org and Snopes are threatening to permanently log-off the job after President Trump announced earlier today that he would be cutting their overtime pay. These pay cuts are designed to help finance both fixing the nation’s infrastructure as well as military equipment designed to obliterate the nation’s infrastructure. “Or at least the infrastructure of our more liberal towns and cities,” clarified Kellyanne Conway. “We can make a seamless transition to much more affordable, alternative-fact checkers. Those folks can lie around the clock for a mere fraction of the cost to the tax payer.”
Donald Trump: Constitutional Scholar Or Return Of the Prodigal Dumb?
by Mick Zano •
Pokey is singlehandedly blowing up our comment threads again, which is actually a welcome change from the usual spam. As tradition dictates, most of his comments equate to the old rightwing bait-n-switch. Whether he realizes it or not, the right’s recent social media two-step is an effort to quell the increasing cognitive dissonance and avoid the whole, ‘Oops, we kind of elected a braindead fascist to run the free world.’ What’s the worst that could happen? I’m actually fine with a full collapse, anything to avoid having to binge watch the next season of Netflix’s Gotham. Just throw out your copy of the Constitution, Pokey, your president already has. Kidding, he never had one.
This Day In Future History: Cause Of Nuclear Armageddon Determined!
by Mick Zano •
Post Election Disorder? How about Probably Irreversible Shit Show Election Disorder (PISSED!)
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Why was the fight-or-flight response triggered in so many of us in November? Some mental health professionals are calling it Post Election Stress Disorder, but I think it’s more of an Acute Trump Response. I admit I’m having a hard time adjusting to the grim realities of a republican super-majority. Once spooked, our sympathetic nervous system floods our body with hormones. And here I was blaming all the IPAs for my man boobs. Say you’re snorkeling and a large dark shape darts passed you. Your body might be on a heightened state of alert for some time, even long after security escorts you out of the aquarium. As for this shark named Trump, all the beer in Milwaukee doesn’t seem to be quelling this heightened state of unease (burp). So to pass the time until the collapse, why not invest in some stocks in the Bro or the Manziere?
Is Al Gore The Cause Of A Recent Antarctic Ice Sheet Fissure?
by Mick Zano •
Antarctica—Many believe this blurry, badly photoshopped image of former Vice President Al Gore is genuine. He appears to be digging along the edge of a giant fissure currently forming across an ice shelf in Antarctica. The picture, taken by military aircraft, has many asking: is Al Gore the cause of this fissure or is he simply trying to accelerate the impact of climate change for monetary gain? Mr. Gore is not returning our calls, which only lends credence to our theory that he’s way out on the eastern side of the Antarctic Peninsula where cell service is notoriously sketchy.