Sesame Street—A clear picture of President Donald Trump’s hatred for PBS, Sesame Street and for the Muppets in general is emerging. Prior to the 2005 appearance of the character Donald Grump on Sesame Street, evidence suggests President Trump was affiliated with PBS and may even be a Henson creation himself. Press Secretary Sean Spicer has requested that SNL parody this bit, so that he can gain some insight into how he might address such an absurd allegation.
Chicago, IL—In response to a viral video showing a passenger being dragged off of a plane, CEO of United Airlines, Oscar Munoz, staged an identical scenario. Airport security bodily dragged Mr. Munoz down the aisle of an Airbus A420 before ejecting him face first onto the tarmac. Whether or not the Board of Directors ordered this stunt or it was the CEO’s own brain child remains unknown at this hour. United Airlines is hoping this will make things even, or at least even out their company’s stocks. As compensation for the incident, the passenger who was originally mistreated has been offered an extra packet of peanuts and an additional packet of peanuts. He has since been rushed back to the hospital for what looks to be a peanut allergy.
San Diego, CA—After the incident this weekend that claimed the life of eight year old Bobby Turner, the petting zoo management of WolverDreams Inc. announced it will be closing its doors forever. Little Bobby’s visit, which was originally arranged in conjunction with the Make A Wish Foundation, ended the life of a young man a few weeks prematurely. Bobby was given only a few weeks to live due to inoperable nose cancer. Bobby’s parents told the press his bucket list still included: giving Sally Phillips a wedgie, attending a cock fight, and punching a senior citizen in the face.
We’re pulling a Dylan on this one and not showing up for the award ceremony.
We may tweet later that we’re honored and shit #Honored&Shit.
There is certainly liberal amounts of blood in our political waters, but I’m afraid it’s not actually type-D. This Susan Rice “scandal” has Benghazi written all over it. Hey, at least they’re reading. No matter where this next batch of rightwing dimquires lead, our republican friends will likely be covering this Rice dish right up until the impeachment proceedings. Focus on the Susan Rice “scandal” and you’ll miss the main course, peeps. Stuffed pig? Why are you still harping on Obama and Hillary? Can’t you people just take five minutes to focus on your inability to lead? If you recall, Obama let Bush and Cheney off the hook and they should have hung, well, if you believe international law. At this point I don’t even have a horse in this race. Sorry, folks, the last nationalistic bone in my body is riddled with Foxsteoporises. Speaking of which, does Rice have any calcium?
Dinglebury, ENG—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and gift shop, is back in the news again today and pushing another controversial theory. In 2012 he proposed an alternative theory to explain the many megalithic structures dotting the English landscape. This important archeofictionologist now believes he has irrefutable evidence to support his earlier claim that they were, indeed, formed by erosion. Dr. Hogbein told the Discord today, “The mystery of Stonehenge is solved! And, sadly, it has nothing to do with the Loch Ness monster. All those years wasted. However, most of these ancient so-called ‘structures’ were actually formed through natural erosionary processes, such as wind and water. This makes particular sense after a few pints.”
In related news: ER visits due to priapism still the leading cause of giggling among nursing students.
We have successfully made the transition from ‘know hope’ to ‘no hope’. In today’s political circus, the Freedom Caucus is now all the rage. Are you kidding me? The only thing standing between El Trumpedente and everything he wants for Christmas is a pack of hyenas? Through the magic of redistricting, we must support the minority of the minority? Who wants to cheer on the frickin’ Freedom Caucus? Then again, they did save Obamacare. The enemy of my enemy is my friend’s enema? I don’t even follow that one. People are concerned about republican in-fighting. Don’t be. When it counts, conservative-types are always united in their wrongness. Republicans do impress me in one sense as they’ve discovered so many distinct, yet shitty factions, views and philosophies. Multinefarious? Diversdefecation? Fine, I’ll work on that one.
