Why do liberals hate America? Maybe they just hate the stupid parts, which tend to be Republican in nature. At least North Korea didn’t vote for their own sociopathic man-child. Patriotism isn’t dead, it’s just brain dead. Z-exiting wouldn’t be easy, of course, but part of me wants to pull the old Daltrey and “put out the fire, and don’t look past my shoulder.” How do you outrun WWIII or the next global economic recession? We can’t escape from ourselves. Conservatives will continue to be the next unnecessary war/global recession people. Trumpcare currently has a 17% approval rating, so when is the Republican party itself going to be as unpopular as its deeds? Those will be the dystopic days worth living for. Why am I ready to give up on the greatest democratic experiment in human history? If America was a bar, this would the part when the lights blare on and you’re forced to acknowledge your poor choices. So… I didn’t miss my shoes and, hey, weren’t you on the faces of meth?
Trump’s Venue Change For The 4th Of July Naturalization Ceremony Raises Eyebrows & Possibly The Dead
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—For the past 54 years the Independence Day Celebration and Naturalization Ceremony has taken place at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. In a surprise move President Trump has broken with tradition and held the event at a clandestine Satanic Temple in NYC. This decision was met with harsh criticism from many Democrats, and even some Republicans are questioning the move, at least privately, during black mass sessions.
When Lumberg Speaks, People Listen
by Mick Zano •
Premature Evacuation? Rogue Wave Ends Beach Goers Porn Session
by Mick Zano •
Santa Barbara, CA—What started as an important porn-user download session (PUDS), ended with the destruction of an ASUS laptop and the premature evacuation of one beach goer. Kip Miller, of nearby Montecito, was mortified by the sudden deluge that also claimed the life of his Nintendo 3DS. “When stuff like this happens it makes me question whether or not the universe is fundamentally evil. To quote Bender from Futurama, ‘What is the deal with the ocean?'”
The Warmth Is Out There: How Do You Get These Deck Heaters To Work?
by Mick Zano •
Can This Popular Icon Save Trumpcare? Capitol Hill Damaged During Speaker’s Entrance
by Mick Zano •
Out Of Ideas NASA Dispatches Mars Rover For Some Pre-Colony Raking
by Mick Zano •
NASA hinting at possible upcoming mission involving asteroid wrangling.
In related news: Mysterious Martian Haze Identified.
Syria Now The World’s Leading Exporter Of Gravel
by Mick Zano •
Damascus, SY—War ravaged Syria is trying to make an economic comeback in 2017. Part of this daring rebound involves exporting gravel to countries in need of gravel. In a recent speech Syrian President Bashar al-Assad told the world he was “growing more confident by the day that my country’s economic prospects are looking up.” President al-Assad added, “You should always look up when visiting Syria as debris is constantly falling from the roof tops. Besides that, I am very pleased with recent economic indicators. Long before Trump I promised to make Syria Gravel Again. Oh, and to celebrate Ramadan this year I personally sent tons of Ramen noodles to all of our major cities. I’m calling it Ramendan. Get it? Ha! And, boy, do we have a shit-load of gravel! And it’s all 100% authentic Syrian gravel, chock full of history nuggets.”
Trump Annexes Rival Golf Course!
by Mick Zano •
Miami, FL—President Donald Trump announced his intention to improve business at his Doral Miami golf resort by annexing the nearby Biltmore golf resort at Coral Gables. Donald Trump told the press today, “This is legal, totally legal. As president of the United States I can seize land through the use of executive orders. Obama seized millions of acres, the greedy bastard, and I’m just taking a few hundred acres of a pesky golf course that’s been cutting into my operations. You should stay at my Trump Doral golf resort! It’s amazing and now it will have even less competition. So I will be hiking rates accordingly. Check for it online on Trumpvago. Yeah, I annexed Trivago as well. Hey, I’m the first in virtual annexation. Not bad, eh?”