Houston, TX—At the onset of Hurricane Harvey, Katrina-survivor and crazy person Jake “Jakey” Thompson drove his refurbished school bus all the way from his home in New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward to a heavily flooded area of downtown Houston. Upon arriving in the metro area, Thompson careened wildly through some flooded streets before attempting what witnesses are calling a ‘wet bus doughnut.’ Eventually the bus stalled in several feet of water, in a handicap zone. Emergency personnel were able to rescue Mr. Thompson, but upon hearing of his adventure, in painstaking detail, they resolved to drop him back off on the roof of his bus with some bottled water and a half-eaten granola bar.
Installation Of Third Floor Zipline Aims To Make Ending White House Career Easier, Funner
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17th Street.
The Truthiness Is Out There
by Mick Zano •
Sun God Apollo Claims Responsibility For Provocative Path Of Monday’s Eclipse
by Mick Zano •
Mount Olympus—Apollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this week’s solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, “Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have no idea how much we get around. We are like that Beach Boy’s song meets the Whore of Babylon. As I directed my fiery chariot behind the moon, I thought, let’s send these fools a message that even they can understand. Oh, and then I waved when I got over the D.C. area, because I knew Ass-Clown would probably look up.”
Trump Base Prepares For Tonight’s Phoenix Rally
by Mick Zano •
Sheriff Joe & the Arpiao Fascists set to kick off the festivities at six, and set to kick some immigrants by seven.
Much Like A Cuff And Ropeless S&M Club, Republican Ignorance Knows No Bounds
by Mick Zano •
Many have asked, why do Republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their crapola. You know, that one dentist in ten who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist!
Small Torch Lit Ceremony Held For Bannon’s White House Sewer Departure
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Trump Says No To That ‘Two Ferns Guy’, But Agrees To An Exclusive Interview With Bugs Bunny
by Mick Zano •
Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Finds Actual Smoking Gun At White House
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller said he was “as surprised as anyone to find a bonafide gun still emitting smoke not a hundred feet from the Oval Office.” During a preliminary sweep of the building, Mueller also found empty beer cans, a live chicken, and an inflatable sheep. “None of these are in and of themselves indictable offenses,” said Mueller, “but they are still worth mentioning. And, yes, it looked as if the sheep had been violated.”
