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UFO Scare Explained: Upon Surveying Local Leadership, Space Sperm Opts Not To Impregnate Earth
by Mick Zano •
Is Police Dog Color Blindness Impeding Our Justice Department’s Racist Brutality Efforts?
by Mick Zano •
In the wake of Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ effort to “take a bite out of crime”, the use of K9-assisted arrests has risen sharply in 2017. Many are blaming our nation’s increase in dogular related injuries on the Trump Administration’s appointment of McGruff the Crime Dog to head the Department of Dog-Bone Minority. The Department of Injustice is disturbed by recent arrest statistics, which seem to indicate very little incident-to-race bias whatsoever. Experts believe the inherent color blindness of our canine law enforcement officers may be the barrier to munching on more Mexicans.
Shock Poll: Most Americans Unable To Distinguish President Trump From Large Pile Of Excrement
by Mick Zano •
Trump To Replace Words ‘Climate Change’ In Government Documents With ‘Robert Mueller’
by Mick Zano •
The White House announced today the words ‘climate change’ will hereby be changed to the special prosecutor’s name ‘Robert Mueller’, wherever and whenever they appear in official government documentation. This executive order reaches all existing government agencies, including the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce, NOAA and the Defense Department, just to name a few. This White House decree orders the changes be made via the Microsoft Office add-and-replace function. Additional mandates include the elimination of anything considered ‘evidence-based’ or ‘science-based’. These will be changed to some other stuff with the new headings of either ‘Hannity-said’, or ‘Trump-tweeted’. The White House is touting the level of choice still remaining for agency officials is impressive, and these moves are designed to further curb the impact of fake science from undermining key Trump initiatives.
Mueller Team Replacements? SETI And NASA To Scour Galaxy For Any Sign Of Intelligent Life That Doesn’t Think Trump Is An Idiot
by Mick Zano •
The rightwing media is demanding Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s entire team be replaced with people who show no bias toward President Ass-Clown Hitler. According to the Institute For People Who Think & Stuff, accomplishing such a feat may prove difficult given the context of our current political reality. Finding enough unbiased intelligent life-forms who still support the president seems unlikely at this time, so pro-Trump factions are suggesting the search for unbiased life be expanded to include quadrants beyond the boundary of our known solar system.
Today’s Fox News Headlines Finally Inspired A Solution: Adding Laughtracks
by Mick Zano •
In this case levity is the mother of invention. Let’s give this experiment a shot with today’s important Fox headlines:
Sanders: ‘Your mind is in the gutter’ if you think Trump’s tweet at Gillibrand was sexual!
Executive Decree? Trump To Write Check To End Balances
by Mick Zano •
With infallible regularity, each and every news cycle the rightwing alchemists transmute the obscene and the aberrant into mainstream gold. We may well be on the verge of another Nixon-style Saturday Night Massacre Saturday, but instead of the resignation speech to follow we’ll probably see a pre-Iraq-invasion like ‘next logical step.’ Fox News Alert: Most Deem The Firing Of Mueller’s Team ‘Inevitable’. Did Mueller Even Give Trump A Choice? The success of such a profound fib will signify the mystical conversion of logic into illogic, truth into lies, freedom into tyranny. Despite all rhyme or reason, the ongoing transmutation of reality into Foxal matter continues. Even my supposed truth-seeking blogversary remains complicit in the death throes of our republic. Nice.
How long can a party continue to support an ideology that prefers pedophiles to progressives? On that note, stay tuned for my open letter to Republican ignorance…
Man Abandons Search For Car Left In Toronto Parking Garage Since Lollapalooza Six
by Mick Zano •
Mississauga, ON—Steve Wetzel of Mississauga is officially changing the status of his ’86 Honda Civic from MIA to DOA. The now 46-year-old Arrow Mart clerk told police he forgot which parking garage he parked in before heading to the Lollapalooza Six concert back in 1996. Mr. Wetzel told the Discord today, “Lollapalooza Six was crazy! Park Place is a big area and I was really stoned. I bet its been towed by now. I’m screwed.” When asked if he’d checked with any of the local impounds Wetzel said, “It’s not a cat, man, it’s my car …well, my dad’s car.”
Solo’s Forcible First Kiss On Leia Led Sith Lord To Commit Patricide #R2MeToo?
by Mick Zano •
A long time ago during an allegation far, far away—Darth Caedus is citing the forcible kiss planted on his mother’s lips during Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back as the impetus behind his father’s eventual slaying. The Sith Lord told the Discord, “The so called ‘light’ side of the force is fraught with actual force against princesses. Han Solo was kissing her without permission and C3PO was always grabbing my mom’s ass. Heck, I don’t even want tell you what that Wookie did during episode VI. Pig! Speaking of pigs, those pig gaurds from Return of the Jedi were pretty damn frisky as well. My mother once said being chained to Jabba the Hutt was preferable to the intergalactic grope-fest that occurred each day on the set.”