S.Korea—Vice President Mike Pence is calling for a full investigation by Pyeongchang authorities of a prank that occurred just prior to the day’s figure skating event. The incident caused him “untold emotional distress and embarrassment.”
After SpaceX Car Stunt, Elon Musk Found Hitchhiking On Santa Monica Freeway
by Mick Zano •
Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”
A Frustrated Schiff Resolves To Scrawl Unreleased Dem Counter-Memo On Capitol Bathroom Wall
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Congressman Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee is in hot water today after soap and hot water could not completely undo his recent permanent-marker handiwork. The rogue congressman allegedly leaked the Democratic rebuttal to the controversial Nunes-memo, in its entirety, in bathroom-graffiti form. President Trump, who recently vetoed the release of the memo, is reportedly furious with Schiff’s antics and vows to enact swift justice in the form of a barrage of admonishing presidential tweets #ForGetTheMemo.
Fox News Explains Recent Stock Market Slump: Now Available In Coloring Book And Scratch-N-Sniff
by Mick Zano •
Dimension F—Sean Hannity of Fox News infamy was quick to blame the stock market’s recent 1600 point plunge on Donald Trump’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means the black guy. Hannity then proceeded to go on a lengthy rant about Obama’s terribly weak, no good economy, when he was actually referring to Obama’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means Incurious George (oh, and you can look up “incurious”, but by definition you probably won’t). Hannity finished his latest insightful segment with a special comment on how #Bear Markets Matter, which, as it turns out, is also bull.
Trump Books Justin Timberlake For Midterm Halftime Show
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Against the advice of all of his advisors, President Trump has booked Justin Timberlake for a gala next January at Mar-a-Lago to celebrate his own administration’s halftime show. The move has drawn tripartisan criticism, which is a first, and even the stoically silent special investigator, Bob Mueller, has broken his silence and suggested the president go with Rihanna.
Google Earth Discovers Foundation Of Popular Drinking Establishment Under Existing Dive Bar
by Mick Zano •
Brooklyn, NY—Thanks to advancements in Google Earth imagery, researchers examining the ancient New York bar scene have discovered a previously unknown Brooklyn watering hole. The foundation of this older establishment is much larger than the current business, Jake’s Shithole & Grub, located at the same address. Anthropubologists believe this earlier structure was built by post-McSorelian nomadic brewers many decades ago. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, told the Discord today, “For a pub archeologist, this is like finding the Holy Ale or the Beer of Destiny. This could help fill in entire gaps in the ancient pubcrawlic record. We may find clues about the period between rock and grunge, or post-disco and hip-hop, or even between Saturday afternoon and that incident I had at Chumley’s at last call. This amazing place, revealed by Google Earth, looked to be a hybrid of a pub and a club. This ‘plub’, as it were, housed both a giant dance floor as well as several regulation pool tables. And this is just the tip of the ice beer.”
An Actual Nazi Is Running For Congress Unopposed In Illinois
by Mick Zano •
You only get one guess as to his party affiliation.
Don’t be schtupid, be a schmarty, come and join our Republican party.
Trump Stands By Decision To Gut Rail Safety Budget: “Who Takes The Fucking Train?”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”
Now Hiring For Director Of The Federal Bureau Of Investigation: Experience A Plus, But Not Required
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—According to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Years Of Trump: Placed On Suicide Watch
by Mick Zano •
Punxsutawney, PA— Punxsutawney Phil is back in the news today and back on his medications. The famous Pennsylvania rodent is predicting six more years of Trump followed by a sharknado that will destroy civilization as we know it. Phil was recently diagnosed with a major depressive disorder with psychotic features, which may be playing a role in his darker than usual visions of the future. His vetritherapist claims the fluffy creature is still ‘with Hillary’ and remains a staunch liberal. This might explain Phil’s other dark predictions of an end to the UN, the FBI, the EPA, the FDA, the electoral college and parts of Rachel Maddow.