Pepperidge Farm—In a wooded area outside of a secluded farmhouse only a few blocks from Sesame Street a neighborhood girl scout named Little Debbie vanished under mysterious circumstances. The Cookie Monster’s lawyer said, “This was a simple case of not knowing when the boxes of Shortbreads and Thin Mints ended and where Little Debbie’s Honey Buns began.”
The alternate reality that is the rightwing media echo chamber came into focus after 9/11. There was always concern that our response to 9/11, not the event itself, would be our undoing. Osama bin Laden knew this even if Dubya, for all his stratgery, didn’t. Today we’ve reached the promised land, kids, a place where nothing in the Fox-Trump continuum even matches the findings of our own intelligence community. Yay, team ‘Murica! We are officially two separate countries and both of them are going tits up. Post Trump’s inauguration I predicted Fox & Friends would attempt to drive this whopping pile of Foxal matter through The White House by—
[‘F*** the Face of the Nation’ joke removed by the editor. Geesh, Zano, get back on those meds!]
You have to love the neocons. No really, it’s going to be a law soon. Sure Trump’s foreign policy is all over the map, but let’s hope his military aspirations won’t be. I’ve never been a huge fan of our neocons and it’s curious why a group without any clear victories since WWII remains so confident. Their ability to flourish minus any actual positive feedback is legendary. They are like the tardigrades of the political world, tiny mindless soldiers who can thrive even in the icy void of space. The more hawkish side of republicana represents the last gasp of the rightwing intelligentsia, for whatever that’s worth. Sure the Goldbergs, Kristols and Krauthammers always represented the conservative ‘adults in the room’, but it doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Bill Kristol, an affable well-spoken type, always had military interventions on speed dial. His Weekly Standard just tanked, but before his neoconservative rag joined the choir invisible he floated the idea of regime change in China. No joke. I guess when your ideology is heading for a big fall, you might as well go out with a nuclear winter. In their defense, we can’t just have the best military in the world hanging behind the 7-11, right? We’d need a bigger Gulp.
Beto O’Rourke has yet to announce his 2020 presidential bid, but he has officially released part of the results of a political ancestry test. Mr. O’Rourke is apparently 15% Elizabeth Warren. O’Rourke has remained silent on the rest of his genetic make up, calling it, “Mostly junk DNA.” This move is not polling well with likely voters, however, as one woman from El Paso said, “I have the right to know if he’s got a little Bernie in him. Sanders genes would share way too much genetic material with any old RNA. Candidates should not get to pick and choose; they should release their entire political heritage. On that note, I’m hoping Cory Booker is mostly Michael Bloomberg.” Mr. O’Rourke is unphased by the wave of criticism and plans to travel the country next month shaking hands and kissing babies. He hopes this will emphasize the stark contrast between himself and the current president, who prefers to shake babies and kiss MILFS.
My friend’s denial of GOP incompetence is something for the ages, isn’t it? The Republican false narrative is as constant as the Northern Bar. Bad example; I’m barred. As we anxiously watch this president test the limits of our checks and balances, my friend continues to ignore this in favor of squatting on a mushroom to contemplate his navel. I don’t remember voting for stuff pre-1913, Pokey, but I do remember distinctly not voting for a Republican in my adult lifetime. Although your last history lesson was well-crafted, it doesn’t excuse your voting record. Whereas Republican atrocities are measurable, liberal atrocities remain theoretical. And you’re calling me out for sweeping generalizations? Whereas I link back to studies, data, graphs, and earlier predictions, you keep citing far-right, alt-right, termite, anti-erudite, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and …Methodists!
My blogvesary has ramped up the rhetoric as of late and, whereas I do enjoy our debates over the years, we are symptoms of a greater problem. We really aren’t hearing each other anymore. On that note, let’s start off with an agreement. Looking at AOCs emergence as a key voice there is certainly concern future progressives may not look before they legislate. Having said that, the GOP is already in four point restraints with an ass full of Haloperidol. Let the debate begin!
Tweet Tower—The White House is viewing North Korean President Kim Jong Un’s recent present as a “positive diplomatic development”, despite the controversial nature of the gift itself. The Supreme Leader of NK sent the White House a Speak & Spell, which the president seems to “really be enjoying in lieu of any and all intelligence briefings and his usual presidential duties.”
A new pill is now on the marked designed to help memory, focus, and general cognitive function. Throw out your ginkoba and that shit made from jellyfish testicles, because there’s a new smart pill in town designed to make you the next Jeopardy champion on your block. Polls suggest that those who took the pill for thirty days straight saw a huge improvement in our view of them as people. It is also believed to markedly improve attention to detail and improve attention to detail. Most our customers have gone on to become quantum physicists, win the Nobel Peace prize, or win the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum physics while winning Jeopardy. The price tag for a mega-improved brain is not cheap and, due to dosage concerns, it’s out of reach for most Republican households.
Flagstaff, AZ—On the heels of the Buzzfeed debacle and after a Limony Snickets level of bad reporting, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has turned his soulless eye toward the antics of the The Daily Discord. Despite the fact our own website’s wrongdoing remains clouded in the Special Counsel’s nebulous draconian secrecy, Rachel Maddow spent twenty five awkward minutes covering the story. For this feature, which arrived with next to no information, she danced entirely around two of the only three non-redacted words in the entire court document. She would not utter the words ‘midget porn’ or ‘with a melon’ on prime time television, so her entire segment focused on the words ‘beer pong’ and its tortured link to the Russia probe. Many, including this reporter, found her Maddowmandering, “even more excruciating than usual.” The piece was so annoying, three out of four Discord staffers are believed to have switched to Hannity’s America.
